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male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Ok, I have fallin' for a girl and it involves circumstances a little out of the ordinary. My father became remarried to a woman about 7 or 8 yrs ago. This woman already had a daughter from a previous marriage. Her daughter wasn't an adult when they married, but now she is. All of the sudden in the past year I have found myself developing an attraction and feelings for my dad's stepdaughter. Keep in mind, we never grew up in the same house together. I would only see her when I would go over and visit my dad.I find myself thinking about her a lot and when I go to my dad's house for the holidays, I sometimes wonder if she feels the same way. I would like to know how to approach her and what to say to her in order to see how she feels about me as well, but I really need it to do it in a way so as if she doesn't like me she can in the future and still feel comfortable when I'm around? Please help! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (4 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Lilly, I sent you a PM. I'm glad someone understands the reasons why we shouldn't tell her mom & my dad initially. I thought about it last night too and figured out that I think I need to have more of a friendship with her first. This kind of falls in line with your suggestion. We really don't do anything with each other like hang out or grab dinner. We see each other briefly at family gatherings and what happens usually at those is we say hi & then I keep my distance from her because I don't want to inadvertanly trap myself in a brother role.
You stated that you know of some people in the same type of relationship. I would really like to know more about that if possible?
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female
reader, Lilly223  +, writes (3 January 2007):
 I've been thinking about this one for awhile before posting my "advice." My suggestion is... approach her as simply a friend... kinda like "Hey, I know you, you know me, let's go have dinner and hang out." DO this for awhile, then you will certainly begin to see if she has, or IS, developing feelings for you as less than 'brotherly' (for the lack of a better term.) Your parents don't need to know anything other than the two of you have an occassional dinner together at this point. I agree that you should wait to tell your parents (if and when that is necessary.) I think the age difference is a bit much, but since you know her far better than I, I will refrain from making judgement on that. I have known of several relationships that have developed in a situation just like you and your "step-sisters" have, and honestly, the parties involved were nothing but supportive of each other and the young couple were especially cautious and certainly waited until they were SURE this was the right thing to do before announcing it to anyone. my only hesitation is, ALL parties, "children and parents" have to vow to be mature adults about the entire matter if this relationship doesn't work. You must be able to separate "family" from "relationship." I say good luck and go for it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIntentions? I don't understand what you mean? I do have intentions...they are to hopefully start dating her and have the relationship grow & progress into something more & more meaningful as time goes on. I hope you're not assuming that my intentions are bad because I'm 11-12 yrs older than her. There are many age gap relationships that are respectful, genuine and sincere. And the fact that her mother is married to my father only solidifies that even more.
Anyways, there's no sense even going there until I know, she knows, & we both know that we are interested in each other, & when she feels ready and to tell her mom & my dad, then I will not hesitate to do so for one second more. Again, there is no sense in even going there unless the feelings are mutual.
The problem now is she not only may NOT feel the same way, but she might be weirded or creep out by the thought. Even though we never established any sibling bond, she may be the type to think that she has to think of me of like a brother just because her mom married my dad. I personally disagree. I think you have to grow up together under the same roof since childhood for the relationship to be under question and even that i'm not so sure. I recognize that some people are too conservative, have repressive attitudes or have too many hang-ups. But if she doesn't see it my way, i'm willing to accept it and use it as a sign to start moving on. I have to try and find out. It's either that or keep this buried inside of me forever. I just don't want her to be creeped or freaked out by me regardless of what she decides.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): And since you know that you are two grown adults...and that no one else should dissovle this relationship...inform your parents anyways.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Dude...grown man in his 30's...don't justify hiding this relationship. That you are doing so only supports my gut instinct that your intentions are not very honorable.
You talk to her and let her know how you feel.
THEN
You go to parents.
Most relationships that are to last through years...will need the support of parents.
That is the best course to take.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMalyce, thanks for your responses. I understand what you're saying about not hiding. I don't want to, but I have a strong feeling that if she goes for it, that will be what she would want at first. Even though she's an adult, she's 21 and there's probably the element of her worrying how people would think & react more than I would care.
Coming out with it to others would have to occur when we're both ready to do it together side by side. I'm think that could take anywhere between 6 months to 2 yrs if the relationship even happens. Also, I want to add that we're both adults and do not live under the roof of any of our parents, so no one really has a right to try to dissolve or dissuade the relationship.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Don't hide it. That just sounds so...like your motivations are not honest and your intent is serpentine.
You talk to her first. Tell her you think you are becoming attracted to her and that you would like to date her.
Regardless of what the outcome of that is; tell your Dad.
Don't hide anything. That is a form of dishonesty as it falls under concealement, omittance.
Be an adult and be responsible by being direct and truthful.
If you cannot think to do these then leave it be.
Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): You still need to post how old step daughter is and how you plan to go about approaching her and if parents will have consent or not.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe only see each other during holiday gatherings. If we do have a conversation with each other, it's always short. I can't say I'm 100% sure, but it almost always feels like we both act this way purposely because the tension is coming from both of us, not just me. This is the vibe I get. Still I understand that these feelings can be possibly one sided, so I want to proceed with revealing my feelings with absolute caution & sensitivity.
She has had boyfriends and just recently broke up with her latest. Some of her boyfriends have spoiled her, but I know that I'm the guy that wants to also be there for her when it really matters.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMalyce, I already decided that I am going explore the possibility. It would only fester to unhealthy proportions if I keep my feelings bottled up inside. I just want to make sure I do it it a way where if she doesn't go for it, she will be understanding and not at all feel uncomfortable around me from that point on.
She is 21 years old. The same difference in age that my father is to her mother.
I would like to pursue a relationship with her for as long as it takes to find out if we are genuinely right for each other before we tell others. I know her well enough to know that she's a sweet girl, but I don't know her well enough to know if we are compatable.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionMalyce, I already decided that I am going explore the possibility. It would only fester to unhealthy proportions if I keep my feelings bottled up inside. I just want to make sure I do it it a way where if she doesn't go for it, she will be understanding and not at all feel uncomfortable around me from that point on.
She is 21 years old. The same difference in age that my father is to her mother.
I would like to pursue a relationship with her for as long as it takes to find out if we are genuinely right for each other before we tell others. I know her well enough to know that she's a sweet girl, but I don't know her well enough to know if we are compatable.
We only see each other during holiday gatherings. If we do have a conversation with each other, it's always short. I can't say I'm 100% sure, but it almost always feels like we both act this way purposely because the tension is coming from both of us, not just me. This is the vibe I get. Still I understand that these feelings can be possibly one sided, so I want to proceed with revealing my feelings with absolute caution & sensitivity.
She has had boyfriends and just recently broke up with her latest. Some of her boyfriends have spoiled her, but I know that I'm the guy that wants to also be there for her when it really matters.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 January 2007): Some avenues are better left unexplored.
How old is step daughter? And I don't think it's mutual because one knows when another is attracted to them.
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