A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been in a secret relationship with a man 15 years older than me for almost a year. It has all happened under the cover of a professional relationship, but with this intense undercurrent of attraction and innuendo. We never had sex or even touched, but he showed me clearly his intentions of eventually going further. Then we were separated for four months. I thought about him the whole time, but I wasn't completely sure he was going to want to start things up again when we were back in the same town, although he let me know he intended to. Recently we've seen each other again but only from a distance or given casual greetings, but he showed right off that he was still interested, and then made a "professional" request that showed me he had been thinking of me the whole time and was ready to get closer. I wanted it too, but I was confused about his request and took my time getting back to him, and even let him think I was going to refuse, but then I changed my mind and let him see that I was going to accept: in other words, that I wanted to take things to the next level just as he did. But he was angry that I hesitated, so he avoided me so I couldn't give him my answer right away. Then when he was ready for me to tell him I wanted things to continue, I missed my chance to talk to him. With the secrecy, I've been confused about when it's all right to approach or when to just pass by. I sent him a text message accepting his offer, but he hasn't responded. So, now I get the vibe that he was upset that I missed my chance to talk to him, because he hasn't let me find him for the last couple of days since then. I'm afraid with all this confusion he is going to end up deciding it's not worth it to pursue the relationship, although I have made it very clear that I want to continue. If I just lay low and stay cool, is he likely to come back around and give me another chance to say yes to him? I feel if I try to track him down and push him to respond to me before he is ready he will cut things off for good, and I really don't want that. He has shown me in various ways that he has been very deeply invested in this relationship until now, much more so than I had thought originally; so I know that my hesitation hurt his feelings, although I didn't realize it at the time. And now because I missed my chance to talk to him when he was available I worry that he will lose patience with me and just decide to let it go.
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female
reader, Ember13 +, writes (6 October 2008):
My advice would be to talk to him or e-mail him or text him and say that you're sorry for hesistating and you didn't mean to hurt him. You are invested in this relationship and would like to take it to the next level. Please contact you when/if you're ready.Basically I'd (1) apologize (you might not even feel sorry but I think the other person feels better when they hear it), (2) Say you want to take it to the next level and (3) Indicate that he should contact you when he's ready. This leaves the ball in his court. If he wants to continue then he will contact you and if he doesn't, well then he doesn't. But at least you've tried.
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