A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I was too nice and too non confrontational to people in my life. I am recently married.Suddenly I'm coming to a full realization and pressure of allowing my parents, friends and many others disrespect me. Sometimes it's also my husband. I am at a loss of how to change this or recover from the mind frame it has put me in. It wasn't their fault but I think I've been an idiot and not been courageous enough to exercise my own needs and wants with people. For example, I had been going to work with a chronic disease and been unproductive because I didn't consider it serious enough to take a break. This caused me to look bad at work. I had lot of issues growing up that I did not share with my parents because they were having a terrible marriage. I was too nice and too invested in my relationship before he even committed himself. I see a pattern of allowing people to walk all over me. It has made me work harder than others. In return, people have seen me in poor light. Both my parents constantly discouraged me from being assertive or competitive. It's almost as if I feel guilty by being even slightly selfish. My partner is the polar opposite. So is his family. I'm not able to deal with the fact that I made so many mistakes and wasted so much time. Also, people see me a certain way.I'm going down a rabbit hole of low self confidence here despite many achievements in the past. I'm regretting many parts of my past. Please give me some insights or your experiences in such a mind state. TIA
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2022): This is not about how to assert yourself, not that simple. It is about how you have been taught it is not your place to have a mind of your own, feelings or needs and you are just there to please everyone else - like Cinderella was to her step sisters etc. Your family and anyone else you know would not accept you or like you if you thought of yourself more.
That is their problem. You either have to man up and start to be assertive and decisive or forever be a doormat. One or the other. My parents etc were like yours in many ways.
When I was a young girl my grandmother bought me a toy - a little typewriter - and told me that if I tried very very hard I could eventually get a job as a typist! To me this was putting me into a box where I was not fit for a real job or owning my own business, only being at the beck and call of the boss at work, as if I had no brains or ambition.
By the time I was thirty I had my own business - no thanks to them - they never encouraged me and always found fault - with a lot of staff, by the time I was forty I had retired a rich woman. Yet they still found fault and said I had ideas above my station and how dare I think so much of myself to do this instead of being a typist! They also resented me because unlike them I was not desperate to get married.
Both my grandmother and mother married the first man who came along because they saw it as some sort of disgrace to be a single woman with no man to take care of them. But they were stupid enough to marry a man who was unable to take care of them, totally useless. I had decided it was better to be rich and single than rich single and taking care of a loser of a man. AND they found fault with that. Just because your parents are older than you does not mean then are right or wise. Remember that.
A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (23 January 2022):
 Small steps OP
Many girls (in all cultures) have been raised to "be nice" and "be kind" and "don't rock the boat". If it has been ingrained in you since you were little it's not so strange that you ARE this way.
Does it mean you ALWAYS have to be this way?
Absolutely not!
Start small. Perhaps find some books on how to LEARN to be more assertive. For you, I would suggest you take care of your health first. If you can get that chronic issue under control it would be a good start. BE kind to yourself too.
Then learn to say no and mean it. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It's a good thing to be able to.
As for things in the past that you regret, you need to let them go, OP YOU CAN NOT go back in time, you can not unscramble those eggs. What's done is done. If something you regret pop into your head, give yourself a minute to cringe, and then let it go. There is NO point in beating yourself up for the past. EVERYONE has done stuff they regret or said stuff they regret. We are, after all, just human.
Time to look at the here and now and the future.
Perhaps watch your husband and his family and see how they assert themselves. Take it as a little lesson. Because if they can do it, YOU can too, at some point.
Start small. Accept your past and let it go. Love yourself.
Build the marriage YOU want. You already know what a "bad marriage" (your parents) looks like, so you know what to avoid, BUILD the one YOU want with your husband.
There is nothing wrong with someone who works hard. But working smarter is often better.
You can do this, OP Don't be so hard on yourself.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2022): Survival is a necessary part of this life.
Take a look at yourself and try to assess if you are physically run-down because it's during these energy lows that people start to adversely review their lives.
It's very counterproductive to pick holes in yourself at the moment.
What you need to do is to recognise that the whole world has changed with covid and quite a few people must be torn between thinking that their life has gone down the pan and yet on the other hand they are still alive when millions have died.
It's easy to wonder why?
But there is little time for that as you still have to survive.
There is no time to worry about your weaknesses or failings of mistakes or regrets.
You must assume you are alive for a reason and just try to carry on living with hope and kindness.
Once you accept that you are still here, then you just take each day for what the day has to offer.
You don't have to be a shining star or highly thought of or loved and liked by one and all.
All you have to do is to continue to survive and try to figure out what you would like from your future, if there is to be a future!
It might be time to leave past mistakes in the past if you have caused no harm or injury to anyone!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2022): I hear you!
But, there's hope!
You can change things but you have to work at it and be prepared for a sh*t-storm. People who (ab)use you and disrespect you want to continue doing that. They will not help you change. They will do everything they can to prevent you from doing that.
I started to REALLY change things when I hit 40. Well sometime before that. I didn't have an epiphany. I had known for a very long time what I let people do to me. What happen was that I simply grew old(er) and (more) tired of being THAT person. Saying yes, when I mean no. Doing favors for people I don't even like!
When i started saying (politely) no to people, they tried to pressure me and then they would get angry! It wasn't possible to talk with them openly. They knew exactly what they were doing and what they wanted, they just didn't like the fact that I wasn't going to participate any more.
People disrespected me because there were never any consequences for that kind oh behavior. You need to define your boundaries and stick to them. PERIOD.
They will say how much you CHANGED and blame it on... (fill in the blanks).
You will find a new group of people who will love you and treat with respect. You won't be alone.
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