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anonymous
writes: I have a boy mate and he is like my best friend. He had a girlfriend for over a year and all this time I liked him. He then split with his girlfriend. I remained good mates with him, then the other night we had sex. He doesn't want to be with me but acts like I'm his girlfriend and if his mates ask what's going on, we have to keep it a secret. I'm so confused about him and I think about him all the time. Sometimes he acts as if he wants to be with me then others he acts as though im just a mate. Please tell me what to do.
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (5 May 2005):
 I'm sorry to tell you this, hon, but you're being used for sex. That's all.The thing that can be very hard for young women to understand is that sex and affection can be two totally different countries for men. Men can easily have sex with women they don't love. (I'm NOT saying that this is the way all men are, all the time.) Women often want Sex and Love to be the same thing and it's amazing the contortions some of us are willing to put ourselves through to try to believe it and to ignore the truth of the matter.What appears to have happened is that, once his girlfriend and he broke up, he still wanted sex with someone, and you were there, you liked him, and you were willing. Apparently, he doesn't want to have a romantic relationship with you; but he appreciates being "friends with benefits". However, the fact that you have to keep it a secret from his mates suggests that he's not proud of what he's doing.You need to decide what you want to do. If you accept his terms of "sex whenever you or he feels like it, but don't expect anything more", then there's no problem.However, if you want to be his girlfriend and for him to care for you in a more intimate way, you're probably going to be disappointed.Don't be too confused about this. By wanting you to keep it a secret and acting in ways that don't consider your feelings, he's not even being a good mate to you, much less boyfriend material. He's being selfish and taking advantage of your affection, just to meet his own needs.Over time, his opinion of you will decline, because you don't value yourself. He may just come to regard you as somebody he can have sex with... when he wants to... whilst he has other girls for serious relationships. That makes you something worse than "second best" and, frankly, it's not fair!I suggest you stop having sex with him. You've seen what kind of man he is, and it's not someone who loves you. You should be trying to find a boyfriend who'll care for you and regard sex as something special, who's proud to call you his girlfriend. This guy isn't.Take care.
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