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female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: My fiancé never had kids and I have 3 teenagers. Although we've been dating 3 years, I don't think he's really ready to be a step dad. I have them part time but some days when they're all being less than perfect, I can tell its a bit much for him and for them when everyone starts getting edgy. And suggestions to work on this? I'll asked hm out right is he really ready for his and sometimes he'll say, I'm not quite sure. Help! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2013): Do you expect your new husband to pop into the step father role? Do you think that is fair to him? Have you discussed what he will be responsible for as far as your teenage children are concerned? I do not think it is fair to dump this on his lap and by your own words he is unsure. The moment you expect your new husband to give your children some discipline or advice they are going to tell him where to go and you are going to have a huge fight and he will just back away and ignore them. You better have some future family get together or do some activities together. What if all three of your kids hate his guts. What is it going to be? Your kids or your new husband? Your future husband has to interact with your kids and tell them why he loves you and what he expects from your kids. If that does not work out your going to have world war three break out in your home and you will be forced to take sides and in all likely hood your future husband will end up getting the short end of the stick. He does not deserve this. You don't deserve this and your children don't deserve this either.
A
female
reader, Aunty Babbit  +, writes (14 October 2013):
 I have 3 children, one of which is my step son. They are all teenagers.
When my husband and I first started dating, he found it very difficult to be around my children when his son wasn't there because he felt guilty, on those occasions, that he wasn't with his own son.
This became a major issue when we got really serious and wanted to think about living together. He couldn't imagine living with me and my kids when he couldn't be with his own son.
We solved our issue but redefining his role within our relationship.
The rule (basically) was that he did NOT have to be a Dad to my children (then aged 5 years and 18 months old). He was in our lives as MY partner not a father to my children.
That didn't mean he ignored them or failed to interact with them it just meant that he didn't have take on the responsibility for them. That was shared between myself and my ex husband.
Taking the pressure off him to be Step-dad helped him relax and he then felt able to be around them without the guilt.
He parented his son but I parented my children. If discipline was required we dealt with our own kid/s.
My son was very challenging and we discovered (aged 7) that he was autistic.
My husband was very supportive and whilst I disciplined and educated my son, he didn't, he just supported me and backed me up.
This worked amazingly well. The children grew to love and trust him. They accepted him as my partner and their friend.
Our boys are now almost adults and our daughter is a teenager.
I say "our" because over the years the parenting of all three children blossomed naturally and found it's own rhythm.
My husband loves and cares for all the children as do I and they're all treated the same.
I still find myself the main referee for my two and he's the main for his son and, with teens, we think it works well.
We feel very blessed that we have a great relationship with all our children and there isn't any of the teenage angst we were expecting.
Just as you learned to be a mum and to care and raise your kids, your boyfriend needs to learn to be a dad.
I say, don't force it or expect anything of him. Just let him enjoy being with you alone and as a family. Let him get to know your kids naturally and on their terms. Do not force them together or make him decide punishments with you etc
This will not only give him breathing space to learn how to fit into the family dynamic but will hopefully prevent the inevitable "you're not my dad! You can't tell me what to do!" scenario.
If the kids see him as your boyfriend and not a potential dad and authority figure they will be more willing to accept him, get to know him and hopefully become his friend.
Just my opinion but I hope it helps AB x
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2013): My friend is childless and is dating a man with three teenage children. The noise and just general family life is too much for her after a few hours. She will then retreat and it creates an atmosphere. I personally think blended families are very difficult to manage and if you have no kids by choice and are in your 40's then it is not likely that you are going to find It easy being with someone who does have children. I have one child and have dated men with more children and even for me the noise and squabbling, fuss is all too much. Involving your partner with one child at a time helps and going out for the day is often a good idea because altogether big families take a lot of getting used to. You also have to want to be part of one, be unselfish and join in. It is not for everyone.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2013): Family life is full of drama, emotional highs and the downright edgey pain in the but stuff ( my normal to calm down is to say: right that's it you are all going on eBay . Free to good home and the dog too) they just laugh and go ( oo you wouldn't ) haha . If you are not living together I would suggest he starts living with you .. Not just a few days make it 6 months .. Sit down with him separate .. And then the kids ( you do the talking) say that okey apoplexy don't get on 100% of the time but if there issues then you need to discuss not shout or call names ect but talk .. I have a son of 20 and he will say mamma can I get tea n cake and I know it's chat time .. He was knocking heads with his dad lately like a young lion and that was a big chat as people need to respect each other He needs to realize that life has its up n downs and that hard work brings about positive results . Hope things work out .. Take care sweetie .
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