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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: I hate, hate, HATE my future mother-in-law. On wednesday I had the day off and my fiance was at work. She phoned up to see if he was around. I can't stand her anyway plus I had things to do around the house so was trying to get away quickly. She ended the conversation with "He could do better but anyway...." and hung up. This totally slipped my mind till last night and I decided to mention it to him. The only problem is, she had got to him first and by the time I had mentioned it, he said I had got it all wrong because she told him what had been said and that she was joking. How can I make him see how evil his mother is when she twists everything that's been said to make me look like the one with the real problem?Thanks in advance x
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 January 2007): You need to nip this in the bud before it gets worse. I spent years keeping quiet and it's only in the last couple that I've finally grown a spine and she's looking weaker.
If it happens again tell your DH straight away and if he says it's a joke then say calmly and firmly "No it wasn't. I'm not stupid and I know what I heard".
I would personally have it out with him and say "well if it was a joke, why did she feel the need to call YOU straight after and say that. Why not call ME to say that she hoped I wasn't offended, I meant it as a joke".
She knew what she'd done and she meant it. I've had exactly the same where she made a passive aggressive remark and then told my husband that I took it the wrong way.
Now, thankfully, (it's taken 9 long hard years) he does see it although sometimes he won't accept it. He always does accept it in the end.
If she says something like it again, before she has a chance to change the subject or hang up say "I beg your pardon MIL, what on earth would you say that for?" then let her try and squirm out of it.
May I recommend the book 'Toxic Inlaws' by Susan Forward - she taught me how to grow a spine and bring DH onside.
A
female
reader, AngelofLove  +, writes (20 December 2006):
 Dangerous ground, blood is thicker than water.
The relationship is with him not his mother.
Be supportive and try not to panic. Do not give her amunition to say that you pick on her!
Hopefully you do not have to see her very often so take it easy and see what happens. You do you not to like her but try not to interfere with mother son relationship. She does not have to like you either, maybe she needs more time to accept you for her precious "baby son" (that is how some mothers are protective).
xxx
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A
female
reader, scared16 +, writes (19 December 2006):
 you should not tell him that his mother is evil.you may think she is, and by what you say i would totally agree with you, but she is still his mother and he wont take kindly to yuo ssaying this. grin and bear it x x x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2006): Ms. Anon, you wouldn't actually gain much benefit from trying to make your future hubby see that she's an evil wench. In fact, it might cause more problems. The thing is, you won't be living with her, and when you're married and have a family of your own, the relationship between you and her may still hold tension, but it won't be nearly as bad as it initially was. This can only be true if you compromise that relationship with her. Some older women and men are just too damn inflexible to change because of their ancient oak minds. However, you're still very young, and the youthful are the ones that must be flexible. You don't have to love her. You just have to compromise.
Then again, I'm looking at this on a pro Asian-descendent mentality mixed together by tradition and contemporary ideals. 8]
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2006): it matters what a mother in law thinks about u, but in ur case if ur future husband will love u, be with u and support u no matter what ur mother in law says to u or thinks about u, then be grateful that she isnt influencing his decision to be with u. she sounds like she can be pretty nasty and say some very hurtful things to u. and u need to talk to ur man and say hey she was serious about what she said. ppl dont or shouldnt joke around like that. i know he is going to defend her, but he should be considerate about ur feeling too. i dont think u make a evil person feel evil, or see themselves as being evil. she could very well be blind to that fact. let her pick the fights and be mean, u be the grown up one, the respectful one. and i bet she wont be able to stand u until she goes through some life altering change. she very well may change her tune when she realizes ur around for good. besides, u dont need be around her, and if u are, always make sure ur man is around. remember good things happen to good ppl and her evilness will back fire on her in time
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2006): You are engaged to this man. This will likely mean marriage and children. Thus she will become a very important person in your future lives of your children. Both you and this Mother in law need to start behaving with some maturity and understanding. She may have conflict with you, but to try to suggest that you want your fiancee to see how 'evil' she really is, is reprehensible. I don't know all the details of his life with his Mother but I have to assume she raised him to be the fine young man that you want to marry? Give her credit for that and drop all this crap. I know she said some terrible things to you, and you are no innocent in this conflict..I am sure. Family is precious..try hard to be the 'bigger' person and ask her if you and her can begin a good, respectful relationship again. Start afresh. You may both just have to apologize to each other. If you want to begin again with her for the sake of your fiancee and all the other family members..both of you need to get along. You don't have to be real close...just detach yourself emotionally, so that you and she can have a mature, adult conversation with attacking each other. I can only imagine how this must hurt the other family members. Both of you need to realize your roles in this toxic relationship with each other and take responsibility for the pain you both have caused each other. Stop blame shifting..you are both behaving badly. She said some terrible things about you, and you did some terrible things to her. Now stop this. You are proposing to cause more dissention and bitter feelings in a family, that you are marrying into. Start repairing this today. When your bf sees the positive attempts you are making to get along with his Mother, he will take note of your maturity and graciousness. And that is how love and respect is built between a couple. Good luck and take care, dear.
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