A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi Could it be that i am paranoid or too little insecure when i feel that my current boyfriend of two months is either seeing someone or he is just not ready for a relationship.... Actually this is not the first time this has happened. My relationships never go past one month, I dont know whether i fall for the guy way too early or maybe i attract the wrong people and want to make them good boyfies.The story goes, my current boyfie is always busy, he sees me maybe once a week, sometimes he will be away for the whole week and we hardly spend time. I spoke to him about this and he said I should give him a chance, but icant help feeling he is not that keen about the relationship. He keeps saying it everytime we are together that he loves me a lot, but i am not understanding. He is a very cold/ distant person from my liking.... i think his ex betrayed him so he might be going through loss, but he always says he is fine.We do not do things as a couple as yet, but we have been dating for two full months and i sometimes think feel he is seeing someone else. I asked him about it at some stage and he always says he is not seeing anyone, but i am very suspicious, last weekend he switched his phone off and we were supposed to have met, and he told me it could be a network problem because his phone was on..... but he is lying.....He just does as he wishes without thinking for me. He is going away ( his home is far away ) but he visits very often.... i hate to sound like a nag... when i speak to him....Now im deciding to just let him do as he wants, and i am deciding on ignoring his calls and to distance myself from him as well...How can i cope with this, I hate to force someone to like me, and i always want to pullout from relationships, i hate to be vulnerable.... or to be played by men ( they always do) I am also very much used to be single and not be in any relationship i feel like it makes life easier.... please help me make logic in this
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2007): It sounds like you are just simply picking the wrong guys, dear. You need to have faith in your ability to use your gut instincts and just discern men, who aren't good for you. Sounds like this guy is not a keeper. Instead, you are blaming yourself. I always say the one reason so many people suffer with insecurities in life and relationships, is a result of allowing their fears grip them and staying loyal to all that past pain, hurt, bad exes, crappy relationships etc. All this thinking, no longer serves you. We've all been there and so many of us, permit that BS to control our thoughts and mold our future happiness. Because we have an a stubborn, unwillingness to grow beyond that, one is not satisfied, fearful, frustrated, insecure, it's very hard to see things differently and make new choices and take new actions. You do have a choice between "fear and freedom", but it takes a total change of perspective and attitude, that allows you the freedom to conduct your life in a happy, secure way. And happy, secure women are very, very attractive to men.
What you need to do with any new guy in your life,is to go slow. You sound a tad desperate to connect with guys, you cannot do that. You have to move slow, select carefully, and if he's not the one..move on. You are not making clear, sensible assessments-you appear to be investing way too much of your heart and soul into this "what-if" relationship. So get some real perspective here. You are placing way too many expectations on this relationship that is not not even off the ground, yet. You are allowing your feelings and your self-esteem to self-destruct if your expectations are not met. That's a heck of a big price to pay to some guy you have only dated 2 months. Why don't you just relax and simply learn to enjoy this infatuation, because that is what it is. And just calmly and intuitively allow life to unfold and put no pressure on or yourself. The reward of doing all this is: Balance. You will feel stable and centered, no matter what happens and you will also be open to many wonderful surprises...and the pleasure of getting to know a prospective bf, in small steps and with grace and ease.
So I recommend you get real, get rid of the 'fear' because it's blocking your own feelings of :self-acceptance, self-love and self-approval, Fear teaches us that one doesn't deserve contentment, happiness.. It sort of "whispers' in your ear, that no one could ever love the real you. But we know better. So get a grip on that fear and the whole world of real, love will open up for you. That will be the only way to finding happiness with a decent guy. Always use your head to discern who is good for you, dear. Brave choicea clear head-Good luck and I wish you the best.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2007): I know how you feel, I've been in a similar situation, which unfortunately ended with my boyfriend dumping me. Maybe if it's only been two months, and you're really not feeling comfortable in the relationship, it would be better just to end it. After all, you sound like a great person and there's plenty more guys around who will treat you properly. Good luck with whatever you decide to do anyway. :)
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