A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I go regularly to a nearby gym (I'm a young woman). Due to something horrible going on in my life right now I am often pretty stressed and was walking around the gym earlier today with a serious expression on my face. As I did so I passed two guys standing chatting, I noticed them looking at me and wasn't sure why so felt a bit uncomfortable (with them being two strange men), looked back at them but didn't make a face or anything, and kept on walking. About 5 minutes later one of the personal trainers from the gym came up to me and she said that one of the guys I had passed had complained to staff that I was giving him a dirty look and "looking down on him" because he was gay. I didn't even know he was gay! (plus I do have family members who are gay and I've had to help them through being bullied etc. at school). I was horrified so asked if I could explain myself to him and she said yes, he then however refused to talk to me despite me constantly apologising. I obviously didn't want to push the issue so left it at that and tried to stay out of his way so as not to offend him further for the remainder of my session. However, I then later on overheard him telling a friend within my earshot very loudly how I had been homophobic towards him. I feel horrified and like crap but don't want to have to leave the gym. I also feel like it's a double standard because the manager at that gym doesn't like me (I've told her politely before about guys who have been following ME around to the extent I felt unsafe - it's a bit of a rough gym - and she has conveniently been unable to check the CCTV despite having the exact time and location...) and if she found out about it she'd probably ban me. Should I just change gyms? I don't want to have to and obviously I did not mean to make him feel discriminated against but I feel like this guy has a vendetta against me and am worried he might try to get me banned from the gym or something. I didn't even know he was gay and I didn't make a face or anything at him, just had a constantly solemn expression on due to my own life problems. Plus obviously homophobia is wrong, but it's just not nice having someone call you a homophobe in your vicinity when you've done nothing wrong. Help! What should I do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2021): I meant to say:
"Random acts of violence keeps people somewhat paranoid and on high-alert; but someone walking towards you with an angry look might demand more attention than it used to."
A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2021): If it was a misunderstanding as you say; I doubt it will build-up to much more than it is. You've apologized, so leave it at that. What more can you say or do?
You weren't asked to cancel your membership, so chill! You will not be banned from the gym just on someone's word; and you shouldn't blow it out of proportion anymore than that guy already has. You have a right to speak in your own defense. Don't overreact, or it will look suspicious. You're innocent, so shrug it off!
Come-on now, it's almost like you're building an argument against any resistance to homophobia, and blaming it on an overreaction to bigotry; but we only get one-side of this story. We get your side, not his. One look doesn't upset someone that much, and I've heard anecdotes like yours before; and it's usually a bit lopsided or missing a few details. I doubt management of the gym wants to lose a good patron; and it's an odd coincidence, that it just so happens even the manager doesn't like you. What's the story behind that? He realizes he could (and should) lose his job, allowing his own biases to interfere with how he manages the gym. He is also forced to follow-up on complaints whether he likes you or not. They would otherwise, go over his head to higher authority.
There is a hypersensitivity and low tolerance for "karens" these days; but not all angry or frustrated females are a karen. You are entitled to frown, you have freedom of speech or expression; and you can deal with your bad-day as you wish. That is, as long as it isn't taken-out on others. I'm not taking a side against you, and I can't side with the guy; because he could be paranoid, or just doesn't care for you as a person. I will speak from a neutral standpoint; and just suggest you let this roll off your back. Who's he anyway?!! He can't read minds!
Just read the room, and remember the times we live in. Your demeanor, body-language, and facial-expressions are what people read in a world growing increasingly hostile and hateful; and when you are in social situations and in the public, you are bound to run into a few stupid people. Such is life!
It doesn't hurt to smile, and greet people with pleasance and courtesy. Even on a bad day. If every time they see you, you have a furrow in your brow, and a frown on your face. Anybody would wonder what's-up with you? It's a reflex, when you're often subject to hate and bias. Just as you are a woman, you sometimes have to up your shields when you approach men you don't know. If they mean you no harm, they would also be offended; being the target of your extra-careful or heedful approach, when they are harmless. NO!!! I am not saying you've got to walk-around grinning like a Cheshire Cat for anybody's benefit. Angry-people capable of doing harm lurk among us. Your gender doesn't matter!
If some random unknown gay-dude has a bug up his bum, ignore him; and go about your usual business. You weren't kicked out of the gym; management just addressed the patron's complaint. If you decide to change gyms, that's your prerogative. You don't have to; so stop building a case against the guy, when he obviously misread you. You may frown more scarily than you realize, and anger is not the usual mood or attitude in a public workout-environment; so people might be alarmed and alerted by it. Covid-restrictions and confinement makes people hyperaware around others. Random acts of violence keeps people on high-alert; someone walking you with an anger look might demand attention than it used to. You have no idea what people are thinking, or with what hate-groups they're affiliated with. You still can't be paranoid, or reckless about that either. He cried wolf, and it works more against him than against you!
Instead of hoofing-around with a scowl on your face; maybe that's a day you might want to stay home, and not be seen in public. It may not have been some oversensitive gay-guy in your path; it could have been somebody out looking for a fight or a victim. If your face is so "torn-up" it scares or offends people; it's better you stay home, until you're in a better mood. Who likes being around a lot of strangers after a bad-day anyway? It could worsen your mood!
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A
male
reader, kenny + ♥, writes (12 December 2021):
 I think that this is absurd, he sounds like the one with the problem and not you. How on earth would you even have known he was gay.
I agree with Honeypie, you should have nipped it in the bud there and then that you don't care what his sexual preference is, and that you just come to the gym to train, end of.
Try to forget about this, and don't feel uncomfortable going to your own gym. Just go there, do what you have got to do, enjoy it, then go.
If however he is one of these that won't let it go tell management at the gym and say he is harassing you.
I don't think that you did anything wrong.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (12 December 2021):
 OP, relax.
Some people just like to create drama out of nothing.
You had NO idea he was gay, thus you didn't look down at him FOR BEING GAY, nor did you give him dirty look, YOU HAD a BAD DAY!
FFS!
Stop playing along with this drama-llama who wants others to walk on eggshells around him.
You did NOTHING wrong.
" However, I then later on overheard him telling a friend within my earshot very loudly how I had been homophobic towards him. "
You should have stopped right there and told him, straight out, "I don't CARE what your sexual preference is, it means nothing to me, I'm just here to work out and DEAL with some stress in my life." If it makes YOU feel better to call people you won't even talk to slurs such as homophobe, I can only say that I feel sorry for you."
Go about your business. If he is there next time IGNORE him. And if he keeps this up, COMPLAIN to the staff that HE is harassing you.
His sexuality is 100% irrelevant. HE is a bully. 100%
And you didn't DO anything wrong.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2021): I’m sorry this happened to you & I do feel you have been treated unfairly by both the trainer & the other gym goer who complained about you.
I had an incident in a gym several years ago whereby I was being followed around by 2 girls (I’m in my 30’s & these 2 girls in their early 20’s). It put me completely on edge as I had no idea why they were following me & laughing. I attempted to go back again a week later but was so paranoid that I left & joined another gym. There were other things too that I don’t like so leaving was easy for me. I found a nicer gym & was able to actually enjoy going, with no incidents.
Personally if I were you I’d leave & go elsewhere. You said yourself it’s a “rough” gym & you don’t get on with the trainer & now this homophobic incident plus the guys following you around .
Ask yourself will you be able to go in there & feel comfortable or will you dread it? If you think you can continue & move past all this then by all means continue there. If not then maybe look for another gym.
I hope it all works out for you & I hope everything in your life will become less stressful.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 December 2021): You've done nothing wrong. Just carry on as you were going to the gym. If it becomes too uncomfortable and is adding to your stress then maybe consider changing gyms.
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