A
male
age
30-35,
*egretablymasked
writes:3 years ago, I had a pretty bad fall out with an ex-girlfriend. And now everytime i think about the relationship, some assholic memory of me will arise and I hate it, it makes me hate myself and i get embarassed thinking about it even if im alone because I just can't believe I did some of the things I did. I wasn't a real person. I was fake, I wanted to look good to and for her and to impress her, but in my defense, that was 3 years ago and I was younger then, I didn't really know any better because i thought looking good and being impressive was what it was all about. I'm obviously aware now that I was wrong.While we were dating everything was pretty good. She was happy, I was happy, you know the whole puppy love bag. She helped me out quite considerably in dealing with the death of a close friend, and was one of few people who understood me. But as time passed, we grew apart, the laughing stopped, and arguing began.It was the worst break-up I have ever been through. In fact, I think I'm still going through it. Every year now, around this time, she will pop back into my mind. Her warm smile, soothing voice, and gentle touch. I miss her! And the jokes on me because we don't even speak to each other anymore. Every now and then I try, but when she answers the phone and I hear her voice, my heart skips a beat and I lose my composure and all my words I had, and that usually results in my rambling like a damned fool. I have had other girlfriends since then, to try and erase the memories, the pain. But it is always to no avail. They always flood back into my mind and i can barely stand it! I just wish I could talk to her. I wish I could apologize for the mistakes I made and for not being real. It is regret over things I didn't do that I now know I should have done, and it leaves me with this inconsolible sadness at my state, and an unending rage I feel towards myself. I would have thought by now that I would get over it, over her, and over everything. But like clockwork, when fall/winter comes so does she, back into my mind. I think mainly because thats when we first got together. so now every year, regardless of who I am with, or what I'm doing, I find myself accidentally in love with an angel of my past, who I just want to see, be around, laugh with, and enjoy her company. Even if it was only for one day, or even one hour or one minute. And though I try, I only fail at making amends with her. So now I remain, regretably masked.What should I do?
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male
reader, regretablymasked +, writes (30 September 2008):
regretablymasked is verified as being by the original poster of the questionscribble,
I have tried in the past before, but as always, my babbling got the best of me : / so much so that I'm slightly intimidated to talk to her. But I want want to, so much it hurts sometimes. I'm always just afraid of what she may say, or do in response. I wouldn't want to be made fun of, or be accused of being obsessed with her. You see, after we did break up it was I who was cold. She offered me her frindship, and like a fool, I said I wanted all or nothing, and as it turns out, the very thing i neglected at the end of our relationship I would want in the future. Irony can be a bitch when it hits you instead of someone else. I would love to take her to get coffee or hang out with her sometime, and I agree, I wouldnt want to fillet myself either. As to her birthday, its one anyone can remember, Christmas Eve; December 24, granted I know it may make her birthday all the more memorable, but I think it makes her all the more memorable and special as well.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 September 2008): Thanks, Regretably. You know, the part about your walls and coolness coming down is all good. That's a pretty attractive trait if a girl senses she causes this in you.
So you haven't actually told her how you've been feeling, in 3 years? Well, there's really only one thing to do, it's just how long it take you to do it.
I don't know all the circumstances, but maybe it doesn't have to be Armageddon. You could just begin (again) to be friendly, attentive, and present in her life. You don't have to fillet yourself at her feet and offer up an ultimatum. Start with being friends (again). Remember her birthday, do coffee for no particular reason, stuff like that. Am I off base? Would this work?
Anyway, I wish you luck.
scribble
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A
male
reader, regretablymasked +, writes (25 September 2008):
regretablymasked is verified as being by the original poster of the questionScribble, your words sound as if they come from experience, I think you for them, as for my incoherent babbling, im afraid it can be somewhat of a defense mechanism for when i feel too anxious. and when it comes to her, all of my walls and defenses and coolness disappears in a flash. and as to my age, I'm afraid I'm not even 21 yet, but another 2 and a half years will satisfy that requirement.Anon, you seem quite wise as well, almost like a doctor. I thank you sincerely
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): Dear Regretably,
That was beautiful. How eloquent! Maybe you should write to her. Get all your thoughts in order on paper. Are you sure you're only 21?
The bigger problem is the big picture. Where is she in her relationship life? Are you still the people you were? You admit you've grown. If she has also grown you may be in love with a memory only. That is a sad thought, but still possible. And I am in a similar situation enough to know that the one day, one hour, one minute scenario will only bring every other moment back in sharp focus, and the healing will have to begin all over again... in my case. You sound pretty impressive, and in love with her, self-possessed and determined. I can't imagine why you haven't pushed on through the babbling to let her know how you feel.
good luck.
scribble
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (25 September 2008): You're having a hard time letting go. You see yourself through HER eyes, and this is how you're evaluating yourself. You want to rectify past mistakes and naturally find that the only way to do that is with her.
Those days are over. YOU will start to look at yourself through YOUR eyes. Your identity will grow stronger and with this you will start standing on your own two legs instead of the strength you once had when the two of you leaned on each other. You already said that you're different now and that you've improved. Forget the past. That IS not you, it was you. You are different and have no business in your past. Build your future.
You just miss her that's all but you will build greater and more beautiful things in the future with out her. Stop looking to the past. Look to the present and future so you can see the opportunities for new wonderful memories.
Above all, like yourself - don't hate the boy you no longer are and never again will have to be.
Sometimes just looking in the mirror and repeating "I like myself" in whatever tone you can afford does wonders.
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