A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi :).I'll just get right to the point. It's difficult for me to have orgasms. I've only ever achieved orgasms through masturbation (with a vibrator), or oral. I've never been able to orgasm while having sex. I've only ever been with two people in this respect.It's not that much of a problem. However, what's bothering me is that for the past few months, every time my boyfriend has been giving me oral, the only way I can orgasm is if I imagine him with other women ... in rather crude contexts to say the least.I don't know why that is, but I can't orgasm otherwise. And now this is starting to bleed into when I masturbate as well.I have been through a lot of things in the past that may be partially responsible for this or not ... likewise, there have been things in our relationship that could have potentially led up to this (although it's really not that bad) ... but I'm not sure, and I really have no idea why I feel this way. If you really need the information to help analyze this situation, I will be more than happy to provide the details of what I think could be effecting this.I'm afraid the more I think along these lines, the more I will be devaluing myself as a person ... It's like I can't ever orgasm while thinking of him and I together, or I can't orgasm while looking at him (it's nothing to do with his physique, he is beyond gorgeous to me).There has been a similar trend in my mind in the past ... where, when I would think of something sexual (even from my pre-teen days), it would always be between two other people, and never myself. At first it started with man on man relations, as I always found myself disgusted by the female anatomy ... eventually I started thinking of myself with other people as I grew a bit older ... but now it's reverted back to the way it was before, to some extent.Has anyone been through something similar? Is there any way to get out of this?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2010): Hey! Thanks a lot for you well thought out answers guys. I really appreciate it :D.Yes, I do watch a lot of porn, and have since I was fairly young. I thought that might have something to do with it, in fact, I was almost 100% certain, but I thought that perhaps there were deeper, more complex psychological issues that were causing this as well.We have a pretty equal relationship emotionally and mentally, as we're both pretty headstrong and proud people, although communicative and fair. However, when it comes to being sexual, he definitely dominates me ... and I absolutely love it ^_^.He has done a few things in the past to hurt me, although not intentionally. However, I already have a severe trust issue because of things that have happened in the past, not regarding him. So it was already difficult for me to trust and feel safe with him when I first started going out with him ... his lies excacerbated this paranoia I have. However, he has definitely done things to redeem himself and help make things better, and I know he cares and he's trying. I think it's going to take me some time to feel completely at ease with him ... or with anyone, really (but preferably with him :D), but I'm working on that!
A
male
reader, Odds  +, writes (8 October 2010):
 "the only way I can orgasm is if I imagine him with other women"
This is the primitive part of your brain imaging him as a big stud with lots of options. All else being equal, women want the taken guys - this is just an extra-strength version of that.
Do you watch a lot of porn? Some guys can accidentally train their brains to respond to watching other people have sex, developing a cuckoldry fetish this way. Maybe it works on women too, including you.
A lot of women have a difficult time acheiving orgasm through vaginal sex. There are numerous positions that can help, but the key thing is psychological. The psych is complicated, but the two most important parts are A) You have to see the guy as being powerful and dominant, and B) You have to feel completely safe and free of judgment.
(Note: obviously, every woman is different, but these are generally true).
In all honesty, with sufficient application of (A), then (B) is unnecessary, but that means the relationship is pretty screwed up. If your past is making it difficult for you to feel safe, then only time with your boyfriend can really help. You have to be with him until you know, down to your core, that he is not going to hurt you, physically or emotionally.
"And now this is starting to bleed into when I masturbate as well."
I have no clue what is causing this, but if it's happened more than once, go see a doctor.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 October 2010): You are among a majority of women who orgasm only from masturbation or oral. So there's nothing to "get out of". You are normal.Likewise, your "visualizations" are completely normal too. I think many people visualize people in sex acts while they themselves are having sex. I know I do sometimes. Probably the result of watching too many years of porn in college and the like, but I often visualize other people having sex, and visualize explicit things that help get me off. When I get close to orgasm, I often visualize the point in a porno where the guy pulls out and cums or whatever. Matter of fact, the first time I ever came with a woman, she was on top and I was visualizing another guy doing her in the backdoor. Not unlike you envisioning other people. Sometimes it disturbs me how often men enter my "visualizations", because I am most definitely not gay or bi. I think porn has a lot to do with it. There's so much emphasis on the "money shot" and the guy's perspective, so it leaks over to my own sex life sometimes.
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