A
female
age
26-29,
*ambi1980
writes:Dear all, I'm just looking for some advice. I have a big problem relaxing when I meet a new guy. I met a guy the other week and we all met up with our friends last night for drinks. Although he's quiet we did get on and were holding hands and kissing by the end of the night. Instead of goin home alone I invited him in my house. We slept in the same bed but that's all we did; sleep. We were both fully clothed and neither of us tried anything on. Anyway he said he wanted to make a go of it with me but I'ma little dubious as he only split from his ex a couple of months ago. He said this was his decision and he feels ready to move on. After he went home I didn't hear anything from him for the rest of the night. I was expecting him to text or say he had a good night. Before leaving he did say we should meet up again and maybe go for a meal. He obviously likes me and that should be enough but I feel the need for constant reassurance. Why am I like this? What strategies could I employ to stop this behaviour? It ruins things for me because instead of going with the flow I'm always waiting for the text or call and get annoyed if it doesn't happen.
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his ex, kissing, move on, text Reply to this Question
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female
reader, bambi1980 +, writes (27 December 2009):
bambi1980 is verified as being by the original poster of the question I did mention that maybe he shouldn't have stopped over but agreed that we were both drunk and tired. He doesn't seem to be a pushy person and is quite shy and polite. I just need to relax and take it slowly.
A
male
reader, CaringGuy + ♥, writes (27 December 2009):
You could try speaking to him perhaps? Maybe if you speak to him he'll go out again?
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A
female
reader, bambi1980 +, writes (27 December 2009):
bambi1980 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers guys. I'm afraid that I've spoiled things with this guy now. Don't want him thinking that I do that with every guy that I meet. Not sure what to do now because I would like to get to know this guy better.
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A
female
reader, Ask oldersister  + ♥, writes (27 December 2009):
 You are giving people way too much power, people you don't even know. I think inviting a guy over to your house to sleep in your bed after you first meet him, unless you just want fun and could care less what happens, means you have no boundaries. Boundaries are what allows you to build healthy, rewarding relationships and maintain your dignity and self respect. Whenever you don't establish and implement boundaries and standards for yourself, you are always at the whim of other people and other people will always define who you are.
I used to be a bit like you when it came to my mother and it wasn't until I sat and wrote down all the standards I had in life- what I would and wouldn't put up with from people, that I no longer needed that reassurance. I could get it from myself. I also make sure my actions are following the same direction as my goals and if they aren't, I stop and question what I really want and re-adjust from there. If you find yourself seeking reassurance from someone you hardly know, it's usually because you don't trust your own actions.
In your situation, if it were me and I cared about what some guy I just met thought...I probably wouldn't be inviting him back to my house to sleep in by bed right away. The only reason I'd see to do that would be if you didn't give a shit whether you saw him again or not. That's impulsive behavior and usually little good comes of it. If your aim is to have a long-term relationship, then stuff like that has nothing to do with building intimacy or getting to know someone so I'd ask yourself why your actions are opposite of what you want to gain.
I'm not saying a relationship won't happen because the guy spent the night in your bed, I just think your mentality and your insecurity will prevent that. No one wants to carry the weight for another person that can't reassure themselves and this is very taxing on relationships. I'd good stuff about boundaries and do the work.
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A
female
reader, Jessbabyy +, writes (27 December 2009):
 Chill out! If he likes you and it is meant to be then he will contact you. But do things to keep you distracted and go out with some friends or ask a friend to help keep you in a happy mood? Hope I helped :) Mail me if you need firther help or didnt understand anything :) Jessbabyy x
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy + ♥, writes (27 December 2009):
If you need reassurance, then you've been hurt before, or your self esteem is low. So take a really close look at your life and work out why it is you need reassurance. Have you been very hurt in the past by someone (it doesn't have to be a boyfriend), or have you felt deserted? The need for reassurance is directly related to your own sense of self esteem and your own security. If you're insecure, and you have low self esteem, then this will be what happens all the time. So look at your esteem, look at your confidence, and try to work at it.
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