A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:The other day I got into a little spat with my best friend who is my ex. we went out for about 7 months and ever since have been really close and we call each other super best friends or best friends plus 1. Anyways I haven't been able to see her that much since she started going out with her boyfriend who she lives with now. Obviously it makes sense but it’s been two years and I’ve barely seen her; however she calls me on Skype almost every night to tell me about her day and so on and so forth. I was gonna go see a movie with her tonight and I asked her if she wanted to come to my house and stay the night the we could go to class together tomorrow and I could show her the bus schedules she needed to get around because her car is out of commission and I use public transportation everyday so I know it very well. Anyways we had the following discussion and it got kinda ugly.b.f.: so I asked zack and as soon as it came out of my mouth it was like fuck.... can't make it sound good haha :( so I don’t think I’ll be able to spend the nightme: ah well... I get that I guess. Whatever then we can just go to the movie if you want. Was just trying to make it easier for everyone.b.f.: yea, it would be way easier but he’s just really uncomfortable with the idea.me: he's afraid I’m gonna rape you... like what's gonna happenb.f.: no he doesn’t think that, I just think he doesn't trust me because I said you had a girlfriend and it’s not like you live alone then he was like you have a boyfriend and you don't live aloneme: I’m not gonna lie I expected this. So it’s whatever I guess. I just wanted to chill. You know he'll never be okay with you coming to my house regardless of the situation.b.f.: probably but I’m sure he'll come around eventuallyme: I really don't think so. When we look at each other he and I are out for blood. I don’t know if you notice this.b.f.: I know and it sucksme: I’m sorry I really really have tried my hardest to be friends with him or not think negatively about him but every time I cut him some slack he pisses me off again. it’s really unfortunate id love more than anything to be able to hang out with both of you but first of all I’m certain he won’t let that happen and second we'd rip each other’s throats out and I feel really bad sometimes because you have to balance your time between us like that and whenever he comes to me he’s like fuck that guy and I’m like due what the fuck did I do to you I’m your girlfriends best friend get the fuck over yourself it’s ridiculous that I can't see my best friend because HE isn't okay with it. just sayinb.f.: I know I’m trying really hard to make things smoother. Maybe we should have a double date it might help things easier that way it's not like you’re fighting for my attention which shouldn't happen regardlessme: I really doubt that's even gonna happen because I’m probably gonna break up with my girlfriend because I don’t emotionally connect to her.I just get so mad at how many hoops I have to jump through just to see you outside of school for one hour. Like I know it play if off like "big deal we'll go some other time" but like that shit with the movie last weekend he probably did on purpose at least that’s what I think maybe I’m a little biased cause I don’t like or trust him and hear mostly negative things about him. But if you were to ask me my opinion of him it’s not very high. And maybe I’m just delusional and think he’s trying to tear you and I apart for his own obscene agenda but honestly it seems like that sometimes. He has no reason at all to shove me away like he does the only fucking thing I ever said to him was to be kind to you and our bitterness started there so I don’t know what the fuck his problem is with me. But I guarantee its something that would take years if even possible to mendsigh* I’m really sorry about this not I've kept quiet for so long about this and I’ve tried more than you know to be nice and I think I’ve done well so far but all I want to is to be able to hang out with you without eyes on the back of my neck cause that's what it feels like. I don’t know what it is but I’m responding to hostility and I know that. but dam 2 yrs I’ve seen you out of school, twice come on...because I can’t be around him because I’ll get pissed so I take the back seat and let you have fun but I’m done with that. all last semester all those taco Tuesdays and shit I wanted to go more than anything but since he was I didn’t so you guys could have fun just as an example. I’m not looking to make anyone guilty but I’ve rolled this kind of behavior I do over and over and I just want you to know.b.f.: I know it’s going to be really difficult if it even is possible. I don’t think he hates you but it is wariness. I don’t think he can comprehend having friends of the opposite sex let alone being able to be friends with someone you've dated beforeI don't think he does it on purpose and what happened last time (referring to the movie we couldn’t see last weekend) was a genuine accident and misunderstandingAnd as for the negative things I vent to you and I complain a lot. Probably isn’t as bad as I may make it out to beMe: You can't save it now making you cry once while I saw it happen was enough. No matter the positive things he does for you that still happened and I watched it happen. I don’t care about many things but the top of the list is you and you can think what you want but I prioritize you over everything even myself which I’m sure you may have already noticed.B.F.: maybe we should have an outright intervention!Me: and tell him what, let this guy see your girlfriendb.f.: No I just want you guys to get along. I think the problem was that you guys never really got to actually talk or get to know each other I donno but I don’t want to think about that right now plus I have work in 6 hours.Me: mm I don’t know what it is but I know he hates me for some reason and I hate him for not letting us hang out. I don’t think that will change Anyways I’m sorry not for what I said but for keeping you awake. I just think and worry about you a lot and I really miss being "ALLOWED" to see you. You’re the first thing I always think about when distractions are gone and I just want to be able to hang out with you more than once a year.Anyways, you should probably get to sleep, or at least try.Goodnight lil pup. I want to talk about this some other time though, if that’s okay.That’s the end of it. Sorry that it’s really long but every element of the conversation I feel is important. I asked a couple of my friends and they all have said that she’s being controlled by him and she’s letting it happen and I know that that's why I said what I said in the manner I did it. I’m tired of letting him control our friendship and I’m sick of her letting it happen so I’m trying to make he see my point of viewBut I don’t think she will unless she wants to. I asked a lot of close friends about this but I don't know the right course of action and was just looking for some unbiased help. Thanks in advance
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female
reader, babalou  +, writes (30 January 2013):
 First off, I don't want you to be offended by this, but really ask yourself how you feel about this girl. Because to me it seems like your feelings go far beyond a friendship, and if her boyfriend is feeling this also, whether or not you or her notices it, that can cause discomfort for him. Try to put yourself in his shoes.BUT...My boyfriend's ex visits his home all the time, and because I trust him and I know him so well, it doesn't bother me. With that being said, there is probably a trust issue or some kind of insecurity in the relationship that is making him feel this way, and you can't force this guy to trust you with his girlfriend when you guys have a history together. This is something SHE has to work out with HIM since it's THEIR relationship that is making things difficult. If shes letting herself be controlled by him and letting him make these choices because he is insecure, the only thing you can do about it is to tell her that you don't like how he's controlling your friendship, and is she allows it to happen, I think the importance of your friendship is quite clear (Given that you see her very rarely)... But again, you have to also empathize with her boyfriend and be honest with yourself.
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