A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am really having a hard time in this semi-new relationship (4 months)! Both of us have been through hell, emotionally. In short, his first marriage ended when his ex wife left him for another woman and he still has a hard time trusting women. As for myself, well I was abused at seven years old and have always had "issues" trusting people and men in general. Recently, after making love, I don't know what happened to me, I think the 'closeness' of it all really freaked me out and I left abruptly. When he tried to kiss me goodnight I turned my head and couldn't look at him. Needless to say he felt very hurt and though I tried to explain the next day and apoligized he still couldn't be moved. He wanted to "take a break." I accepted this thinking it was over but two days later he called me again like nothing ever happened. He doesn't want to talk about it but I feel like this is a pattern that may repeat itself in the future: we get too close, I run for the hills. How can I continue with this relationship without hurting him? I feel like I'm "broken" and he will realize that eventually and no longer want to be with me.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you so much for your answers so far. To clarify, this is the first man that I have confided in about the abuse I have suffered as a child. I wanted to tell him within the first couple of weeks because that is how much I trust him and how good he makes me feel. I held off from doing that however but the fact that I was able to eventually admit to him and to myself what happened was a big step for me. I feel good about taking that step but in the back of my mind I still feel like those feelings of fear and anger will creep up again to sabotage this new relationship. I don't want him to treat me any different though I don't think that will help me grow as a person if he has to spare my feelings. That will hurt both of us. I don't know how to find a middle ground...
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 October 2008): Idk if you have what I had, but I had this thing called borderline personality disorder. It's when you pull someone close, but then push them away. This problem can be solved, but you've got to make yourself solve it. You've got to work through this, and it will probably be one of the hardest things that you have to do. I still have PTSD and I'm constantly asking my husband if he 1) touched my butt 2) touched my thigh, etc.
Be true to yourself. If you don't want to have sex, don't. I know in this case you did, I'm just saying in the future, remember this rule, so you don't go backwards, but there will be some days you probably take a few steps back ne ways. If this was your first time having sex with someone after the abuse, it was weird, because it was out of love, and not use. Like when you were little, you buried your head in fear/shame like you probably did after you were abused. Be thankful that he doesn't yell at you and try to push you to "Move on." My husband was like that when we were dating. He just couldn't realize that he couldn't make me "Snap out of it." Yeah, he was a stupid dick then. And I almost broke up with him. But tell this guy what you feel, that you feel broken, like you feel possibly no guy would want someone that was broken, but that you are going to try to get through this with his help, but you need his patience and understanding. And like a lot of guys he may complain about having to suffer for some other guy's wrong-doings, but this is about you, not about your bf, so he needs to be patient with you.
Ask him, Are you willing to go through all of this with me? Because if you are not, we don't have to be together.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 October 2008): Hi
you are only broken if you believe you are! you are stronger than this arn't you? let your past haunt and ruin your life or let it go, and confide in your new man. Good Luck, don't let abuse steal all of your special life that is waiting for you.
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