A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my boyfriend for just 2 months, he is 40. We both have children from previous relationships (he has one, and I have 3) but neither of us have ever been married. We dated very briefly last year but things didn't work out because I was getting over my ex boyfriend. 4 weeks into our relationship he has proposed to me, I have accepted, and we are intending to do this next year. However, since then I feel like I am being smothered by him, I have told him that it is not healthy to live in each other's pockets/see each other all the time etc. But he doesn't agree and thinks it means I don't want to be with him. I just need some time for myself and my children. His child doesn't live with him so it seems as though because he wants to spend every moment with me, that I should be the same.When we are not together, he phones me constantly, and if I don't answer the phone for whatever reason, he wants to know why and makes it obvious that he doesn't believe me.When we are together he is constantly groping me when my kids are not around and it is annoying. When I am trying to sleep (even after we have had sex) he is still pestering for more and keeps touching me. When I have commented on it being too much, he gets grouchy.He has a high sex drive, and I thought I did, but his is way off the scale.He cannot seem to handle me saying things he doesn't want to hear ie that I am not in the mood, or that time apart is healthy.
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 March 2010): this post raised some very big red flags for me. my daughter dated a man that sounds very much like this man. i have seen it in another family member also, (not in my own marriage thank God) please just read these things with an open mind and ask yourself if you see any parallels. if im way off track please forgive me. i dont know your situations but it set alarm bells of in my head.
signs of an abuser...the last five are usually found only in physical abusers...but remember there are other types of abuse:
1. Unemployed or Underemployment. Underemployment is not necessarily an objective phenomenon; it may be the subjective response to the man's failing to meet his own expectations. Educational and occupational attainment frequently is less than wife's, such status discrepancies are painful even should the husband bring home a higher salary.
2. Emotional Dependency. Emotional dependency on the spouse is usually not recognized or understood, but is expressed through demands for constant reassurance and gratification. This may explain in part why spouse abuse often begins during wife's pregnancy.
3. High Investment in Marriage. Wants to preserve marriage at any cost and will go to great lengths to do so. In the event of separation or divorce, tends to immediately replace lost spouse with a new partner.
4. Boundaries. Violates your personal space. Intimidates you by getting too close. Touches, pinches, grabs you against your will.
5. Quick Involvement. Sweeps you off your feet. Love at first sight. "You're the only one for me." Desperately pressures you for a commitment so you're engaged or living together in less than 6 months.
6. Controlling Behavior. Controls where you go, what you do, with whom and for how long. Controls money and money decisions, won't allow you to share expenses or refuses to work and won't share expenses. Protective to the point of controlling. Says he's angry when you're "late" because he "cares." Takes your car keys, won't let you go to church, work, or school.
7. Jealousy. Angry about your relationship with other men, women, even children and family. This insecurity and possessiveness causes him to accuse you of flirting or having affairs, to call frequently or drop by to check up on you, even check your car mileage or have you followed.
8. Abusive Family of Origin. Was physically, sexually or emotionally abused as a child or witnessed spouse abuse. He sees violence as normal behavior, a natural part of family life.
9. Low Self-Esteem. Guards his fragile sense of self by acting tough and macho. Imagines you threaten his manhood. Damages your self-esteem, demeans you growth, demands your silence.
10. Alcohol/Drug Abuse. Abuses alcohol/drugs, tries to get you drunk, berates you if you won't get high. He may deny his drug problem and refuse to get help. Don't think you can change him or that alcohol/drug abuse causes violent behavior. They are two separate problems.
11. Difficulty Expressing Emotions. Unable to identify feelings and express them directly and appropriately. He may say he's "hurt" and sulk when he's really angry. He displaces anger at his boss or himself onto you.
12. Blames Others for His Feelings or Problems. Believes others are out to get him and he's the victim. Blames you for everything that goes wrong. Will say "You make me mad," "You make me happy," "I can't help getting angry" to manipulate you. Holds you responsible for his suicidal or self-abusive behavior.
13. Hypersensitivity. Quick temper, unable to handle frustration without getting angry, easily insulted. Will "rant and rave" about minor things like traffic tickets or request to do chores.
14. Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde. Seems like two different people with mood swings from nice to explosive. May change his behavior around the guys. May be very sociable around others and only abusive with you.
15. Unrealistic Expectations. Very dependent on you for all his physical and emotional needs ("You're all I need"). Expects you to live up to his ideals of a perfect partner, mother, lover, friend.
16. Rigid Gender Roles. Expects a woman to stay at home, serve and obey him. Gets angry if you don't fulfill his wishes and anticipate his needs. Speaks for you. He thinks it's OK for men to keep women "in line" by force or intimidation.
17. Rigid Religious Beliefs. Justifies rigid sex roles and the physical/emotional/sexual domination of women and children with strict or distorted interpretations of scripture.
18. Disrespect for Women in General. Ridicules and insults women, sees women as stupid and inferior to men, tells sexist jokes ("dumb blond", "PMS" jokes). Refers to women in derogatory or non-human terms ("babe", "chick", "fox", "bitch") or as specific parts of anatomy, de-values women's accomplishments and work, acts like women are second-class citizens.
19. Emotional Abuse. He may ignore your feelings, continually criticize you and call you names like "fat, ugly, stupid" curse and yell at you, belittle your accomplishments, manipulate you with lies, contradictions, and crazy-making tactics, humiliate you in private or public, regularly threaten to leave or tell you to leave, keep you awake or wake you up to argue or verbally abuse you.
20. Isolation. An acquaintance rapist will try to separate you from others to a secluded spot. Batterers will try to keep you from working or attending school, move you to a rural area, restrict your use of the phone or car. He'll try to cut you off from men, women, family and children by saying "You're a whore," "You're a lesbian," "You're tied to your parent's apron strings," or "You're spoiling the kids."
21. Reliance on Pornography. Rapists, child molesters and men who sexually abuse or rape their wives often have an abundance of pornographic literature, photographs, magazines, or videos. They may want to involve you in their interest by photographing you or taking you to pornographic movies or shops.
22. Sexual Abuse. Refuses platonic relationship if dating, uses "playful" force in sex, uses sulking or anger to manipulate you into having sex, coerces or forces you to have sex or hurts you during sex, demands sex when you're scared, ill, tired or starts to have sex when you're asleep, drunk, or unable to give consent.
23. Cruelty to Animals, Children, or Others. Teases, bullies, abuses or harshly punishes animals, children, elderly, weaker people or other women. Is insensitive to other's pan. Tortures or kills pets to feel powerful or hurt you. Threatens to kidnap the children if you leave. Punishes or deprives the children when angry at you. Punishes the children for behavior they're incapable of (whipping a 2 year-old for wet diapers).
24. Past Violence. Any history of violence to "solve" problems. Justifies hitting or abusing women in the past, but "they made me do it." Friends, relatives or ex-partners say he's abusive (Batterers beat any woman they're with. You didn't cause it and you can't control it or cure it).
25. Fascination with Weapons. Plays with guns, knives, or other lethal weapons, threatening to "get even" with you or others.
26. Threats of Violence. Any threats of physical force to control you or make you do something should be taken seriously. He may threaten to hurt you or your family. Non-batterers do not say things like "I'll kill you" or "I'll break your neck."
27. Breaking or Striking Objects. Punishes you by breaking loved objects, terrorizes you into submission (If he doesn't want you to be a student, he may destroy school books or break lamps). Non-batterers do not beat on tables, punch holes in walls, destroy furniture, throw objects at you to threaten you. The message is "You're next! You're just an object I can control and I can break you like our china."
28. Any Force During an Argument. Hurts you in anger or in "play", pushing , shoving, pulling, grabbing you by the collar, holding you down, restraining you from leaving the room, slapping, punching, hitting, kicking, or burning. This cycle of violence is followed by a "honeymoon" period, then an escalation of tension and more violence. The episodes of violence will get more frequent, more intense, and will not stop on their own.
i do wish you all of the happiness in the world sweetheart but i think you are already having serious doubt. trust your gut feeling. i think its time to run ...mal
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): I have found some of the responses (mainly those by females) to be interesting. It would seem that if it was me being full on with him at this early stage I would be advised to back off a bit in case I scare him off. Yet as the situation is the other way round and he is too full on too soon, I am being advised to help him through it. He has admitted that he is insecure and that it is nothing that I have done to make him that way. His insecurity is his own problem to work through.I do want to be with him and I do love him and want to marry him, yes he clearly loves me more than I love him but that doesn't give him the right to suffocate me like he is. We are not living together yet and I don't think it is unreasonable of me to not want to see him EVERY night. And I don't see why he needs to phone me twice a day for 2/3 hours.My children are important to me and they deserve some time with their mum. Just because he doesn't have a job, or friends that he does not see (internet friends only), it does not give him the right to demand all of my time and get moody with me if he cannot have all my time and attention.
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A
female
reader, Angzw  +, writes (12 March 2010):
If you are having second thoughts then cancel the marriage plans. Doubt means don't. But if you still want to be with him and these are just teething problems, then my advice is that you need to compromise and find a middle ground. You need to give him some of what he needs and he should give you some of what you need. Marriage means you work it out. From how you have described him, he sounds insecure and as though he needs love and attention. He needs to feel closeness. You on the other hand are more independent and confident. So sit down and discuss how you can reassure him that you are there for him. Truthfully speaking, his behaviour is more indicative of a newly in love couple completely in lust with each other, whereas yours is more like business as usual. Do you really want to be with him? Or perhaps he feels more for you than you do for him? You need to think about whether or not you agreed to marry him for the right reasons. All the best.
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A
male
reader, Kenj +, writes (12 March 2010):
 It sounds like you need to tell him you need space and time. Let him know your not breaking up with him, but just need a couple of weeks alone time.
If he loves you he will wait and take the hint.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 March 2010): Hello,
Clearly your values do not match. He wants a wife that he can be with for hours or even days at a time, whilst you are happy to see him at certain points in the day/week.
He seems to have a very high sex drive whilst yours does not match his.
You gave it a shot in the past and it didn't work. You mention the reason for it, but I think there might have been more to that. Even if you were getting over an ex, perhaps if this man was right for you- it would have been clear even back then.
The best thing to do now is talk to him about it, I understand he gets grumpy when you mention things like this but its not worth getting married and living a regretful life. Talk all the problems over with him. see if he (and you) are willing to compromise on certain issues and then see if this relationship is right for you.
Although, I have a feeling that you already know the answer to THAT one..
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