A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I work at a day camp in Vancouver. I am friendly with most of the staff but I don't talk to them too much because I don't know what to say. I also have social anxiety disorder. The other staff are friendly with me but there are parties every weekend and i never get invited. I feel left out and it makes me really depressed, but at the same time it is partly my fault because i don't get the chance to know them, but i also dont know how. What should i do?
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male
reader, AvgGuy1  +, writes (13 July 2011):
 Well... you can't get to the top of the stairwell in one step so...Forget about getting invited to the parties for the time being... let's work on your interaction with those in the group first.Everyone LIKES a listener... but if that's all you do... then they feel they are investing/sharing more with you than you are with them (which essentially is the truth) and the become uncomfortable telling you so much... without you telling them something in return. You don't have to do a full brain/emotion dump on them but you have to participate in the conversation. Listen to what they are talking about and then try to feedback similar experiences. It's a validation technique and you'll find it'll eventually be equally validating for yourself.Also, pick one person in the group who you most feel comfortable with/like. Try to spend as much time with this person as possible. Your goal, is to essentially make them your best friend. They will become your advocate into the main group.After awhile, once you've developed a more personal rapport with one or two of the individuals, say something like... "Hey, I heard you guys had a party last weekend. I'd love to go to one of those... or to hang out with you over the weekend some time". This might sound like you're inviting yourself but you're basically just stating a desire to be part of the group. If people know you're interested - and you have an 'in' - e.g. the person you've developed an improved relationship with - you'll probably get invited.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): Try not to be offended by them when they arrange things but don't invite you. They probably don't realize you are interested in joining in because you keep quiet and don't participate in things.
Think of conversation as a game. You don't join in, so they think you don't want to play. Conversation is giving. Everyone throws something into the pot. But you don't. You just take. While they are all throwing things into the pot 'sharing and investing', playing the game. You sit silent and take from their conversations but never give. So it will seem to them that you are not interested in participating in anything.
When people chatter, most of it washes over us! But when The Quiet Man suddenly speaks...we all stop and listen! By remaining quiet, you are actually making your situation worse. The longer you remain quiet the harder it will be to talk because you will feel very conspicuous when you do say anything. So start off small with a question here or there. Look interested, listen to what they are saying and add a comment to validate that you are listening to them.
What you think, how you feel. It is all as important as anything they have to say. You just need more confidence to quite literally find your voice. I get the feeling that at some point your self esteem/confidence was wiped out but it can be restored if you are prepared to work on it.
You mentioned feeling depressed. Have you considered speaking to your doctor in case there is an underlying reason for the depression which has nothing to do with social angst? And what brought you to the situation you find yourself in? Have you considered counselling to explore the reasons why you find it so difficult to join in with things and converse?
If you are prepared to work on this problem and apply some effort, you can change things for the better. But you have to seek a little help and desire change for it to happen.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 July 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's not that i get nervous. I've gotten used to people just talking while i sit there and listen, and i also try to express interest. its just that since im so quiet and dont talk they dont find me interesting and when it comes to making plans they just do it when im not around, and i dont find out from other people until after the parties happened the week after
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A
female
reader, misskat +, writes (13 July 2011):
When u have social anxiety, sometimes its hard to read social cues and mingle with others. When you wanna approach someone, what are you feeling inside? Do you get really nervous? Sometimes when ppl get nervous/anxious, we send a vibe that others just don't get. Unfortunately, it can be a turn off to close minded people. I used to be extremely anxious back in my school days. I had to learn not to allow my face to be so expressive because other students thought I was giving them bad looks when I was simply very nervous. Why don't you read up a bit on the subject? I would search for 'socialization with social anxiety' on google. It takes practice too.
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A
female
reader, BeautifulCapricorn +, writes (13 July 2011):
just approach them and talk to them more ... thats it!
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