In the past I have been in emotionally abusive relationships and had an emotionally abusive parent. As a result I lack self worth and struggle with anxiety and depression.I've been in a relationship for four years and in that time I've done a lot of work on myself... Counselling cbt\ trying to break negative cycles but I find it very easy to fall into negativity cycles and very difficult to get out of them. Nothing in life for me has ever been particularly straight forward, this is what I have come to expect as a result and I know I am too wary and cautious most of the time and often presume the worst... But am trying to change this.My partner is the total opposite, very happy go lucky, optimistic and most things have been relatively straight forward for him. As a result when I get in a negativity cycle we clash.He recently got a promotion and I am very proud and pleased for him and went out of my way to tell him so and show him so, but unfortunately at the same time I have faced a massive barrier to getting where I need to be at work. This has upset me massively as not only is it holding me back but being stuck on the same income is also preventing us from moving forward and doing things we both want... It has also meant I have had to rely on him financially more than I feel comfortable with.This has really got me down and I seem to have done my normal thing of withdrawing as a result.. Tho I have tried to explain why to him. Tonight he has told me that my withdrawing is basically selfish and I don't show enough interest in him... This issue has come up before as he has a lot of hobbies where I am more homely and although I have shown interest in his achievements and hobbies it never seems to be enough.Its really hurt me and I feel like I can never do things right but at the same time I feel totally responsible because I cant just 'get over ' things and things get me down and I know that affects my attitude towards him. I really don't known what to do. I feel at the moment that I'm just not capable of being the right type of person to manage a relationship. Can anyone help
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reader, handsomestranger +, writes (31 March 2015):I've been in two relationships with women who feel they are broken. One was tormented for 30 years to a worthless excuse of a man who had a position of authority. He wrecked her. When I gave her my honest love, she told me I was over committing. Then she got scared. She told me to never see her again. I gave her two months with out ANY contact then sent her a short friendly email. All I said was hi. Hope you're well. In reply she called me a stalker and threatened me with a restraining order. I was crushed. The second girl, lost her husband of 18 years to a long term illness. (ALS) My uncle died from this too. Her life tanked. She loves in loneliness and some depression. She found me. We became fast friends that 2 months later lead to intimacy. My very first time and her first time in 13 years. I saved myself for the right girl. She was this girl. She was the one to initiate the intimacy. She asked me if she was one I wanted. I said yes. A month later, she told me she feels guilty. That she cheated on her dead husband and betrayed him. He died 11 years ago. If you love this man, find a way to keep him!!
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reader, Honeypie + ♥, writes (31 March 2015):Maybe back to the therapist/CBT a bit?
It's OK to feel a little jealous/envious that he made a promotion and you haven't, YET. BUT it's really something you need to keep to yourself. Or discuss with him at another time NOT right when he is excited and happy about his promotion.
Withdrawing DOES seem selfish when SEEN from the other person's view. And it DOES NOT help you in your work place either. So by withdrawing from your PARTNER you are basically PUNISHING for not reaching one of YOUR goals. THAT isn't fair. He is right.
This is why I say, go have some "re-fresher" therapy, join a gym and/or yoga. I say gym because working out can help you get some burst of energy and it helps release some of all those toxins in your body. Yoga because it CAN help you center yourself and let things that ARE NOT important go, so you can focus on what IS important.
And don't expect to "change" overnight. YOU still are who you are, YOUR job is to bring out the BEST you, you can be.
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