A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. I am hoping everyone here could provide me with some advice. I am very upset with my long time boyfriend and I am deciding on whether I need to continue this relationship.He and I have been living together for 3 months and together for 8 years. I just felt that recently he has been acting strange and my gut has told me that something is off. His phone was on the coffee table and I had a look. I know that most here would condemn me for invading his privacy but I felt that my peace of mind was more important.What I found was extremely damming. I went into his google account and it shows which devices are logged into his google account under security. One of these devices are an iPhone. He DOES NOT own an iPhone. It also showed his LG phone and iPad as devices logged into google. I know about both of these devices and I have access to both at any given time. He is open with these devices. But I did not know about an iPhone. The iPhone was connected by an IP address which happens to be our internet provider in our home. Therefore the iPhone in question was logged into from our home on August 16 at 2:19 p.m. Google said it was a new first time log in.At the time. we were getting ready to go out to an appointment and my bf waited for me in the car for about 1.5 hours. I asked what he did and he said he read the whole time.He DENIED having an iPhone and I mean to the point where he began to turn the tables on me and gaslight me. He told me how I always criticize him and am never happy and how I am full of anxiety and how much he hates it. But I have the anxiety because of the things he does. Instead of helping me deal with it, he is the cause. It seems no matter how much I try, there are always red flags that show up and he always explains them all away. I am tired of these red flags being thrown at me constantly. I am the one who saw a mystery phone linked to his google account and he has the nerve to gaslight me, put me down, lay all blame on me and then THREATEN to LEAVE ME?I am beside myself. He is not answering my questions. How did this iPhone appear on his google accounts if he did not have it in his possession and log into it in our home? Why does it even exist? He is telling me he has no iPhone and does not use it to communicate with anyone. And he has totally shut me down. I am at a loss. He told me to call google to find out what happened as he is insisting it is a GLITCH! How can it be a glitch that someone logged into an iPhone in our home on August 16 at 2:19 p.m? It wasn't me! We have been arguing a lot lately and I feel he has started talking to someone else because he is weak. We argue because I feel he is cheating or about to and he keeps telling me I am wrong, but how can I be wrong? If you saw this, would you not think he was up to no good? I need to make a decision. At this point, it is very tense here. And I will not let him touch me again. I need answers. And he keeps shutting me down and now he is ignoring me. Please, anyone, tell me I am NOT crazy here! How could you explain this away or how could it be a glitch that a phantom iPhone logged into our internet connection at our home? Nobody else was here. Just my bf and I. What would you do in my place?He is insisting I wait to talk to google and find out what was going on. That they will be able to explain it. I am not so sure????This is a bad feeling. I cannot stand it any longer. I cried all day long. I mean I have been inconsolable. I begged him to tell me the damned truth. Just tell me. But he won't. He insists he knows nothing about an iPhone. Why can he not tell me he is talking to someone else so he can go and be with that person??? If he is THAT UNHAPPY with me, why doesn't he just leave and go be with that person????? WHY LIE TO ME???? AND KEEP DENYING THE TRUTH????? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, kenny  + ♥, writes (1 September 2021):
 I think that the trust barrier has been broken, you are convinced he is chatting to others on another phone, you are already contemplating him leaving you for the person he is supposedly chatting too.
The emotions and feelings you are having are very unhealthy, how long can you go on enduring this pain and torment.
You have know him for quite a long time, has he given you reason for you to suspect him in the past?.
Trust is one of the most important contributing factors that bind a relationship together, without trust a relationship is doomed, with the stability of a two legged stool, and this relationship is seriously lacking in the trust department.
If it were me and i really had trust issues with someone that much to the point of crying and sleepless nights then i would be inclined to call it a day as all this worry is unhealthy.
A
female
reader, Alwin  +, writes (31 August 2021):
 If he's the cause of your anxiety and you don't trust him, why continue in this relationship? Do you know when google will answer you personally? Never, that's why he said that. He's ignoring you because that's what manipulative people do, he will do it until you're convinced you overreacted and you're the one to blame, you're NOT crazy, this is a very old known tact used by people the silent treatment. If he's unhappy and you're unhapppy why cling to this dead end relationship?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2021): You seem convinced something is going on, without concrete proof.
No offence but you can't go accusing anyone of anything without actually knowing forsure. You could possibly be doing a lot of damage to your relationship.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 August 2021): It's really quite an interesting setup with you crying and him denying, it makes me wonder how you have time to get anything done at all!
So you have a potential mystery phone user or may be you just dont.
Supposing he does have a secret phone for calling other women?
Well, you know what he's up to so that would tell you that he's a waste of time.
If you want conclusive proof you could set up spy cams in the house to gather your evidence.
You would have to put in a bit of an act for this.
Or if you feel you know or something is just not good about the relationship then you can plan how you want to walk away.
Think of somewhere else you can stay and start packing or just walk out with a handbag!
You have to decide how serious this is for you.
What a pity you didn't manage to locate the number of the mystery phone.
Seriously don't cry over this but start figuring out what you could do if it were an indication that he was a devious cheater.
He would be less of the man than you thought he was.
It would be an early warning of what was to come!
I must say that I can't imagine anyone waiting one and a half hours for their partner to get ready for an appointment.
I don't know your circumstances but waiting that long is extraordinary.
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A
female
reader, Tinacandida +, writes (31 August 2021):
 I must admit my ipad has detected other people logging in from other locations. When i made enquiries about that i was advised to change my passwords. Do your research before making any rash decisions.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2021): Your internet service-provider (ISP) can tell you if there are other devices connected to your home service.
Unfortunately, they know what devices you are using, when you call, when you're called, how long, when you text, your location, and more stuff than you want them to know.
If he confesses he has another phone, what will you do about it?
If you're already convinced that he has an iPhone, with evidence to prove it, and you're both fighting about it. What's your plan if he never confesses? Apparently you've had issues long before the iPhone fiasco. You won't let him go; but somehow fighting about it is the only solution you can come-up with.
It's not up to anybody but you whether you'll keep him! We don't know him, or the history between you. If we suggest you end it here and now. My guess is you'll send us another post finding reasons why you can't.
First-off, I trust my partner. Businessmen often have several phones for business and private calls. I'd go crazy wondering who he calls, and why? I judge people by their behavior and how they treat me. I will not tolerate abuse, and I have no patience with liars. If I find solid evidence I'm being cheated-on, there will be no drama. I will end the relationship; and will have to go through the emotions and pain of a breakup; like an adult. I'm human and I have feelings; so it will hurt, but I'll do what I have to do. Drama, or throwing tantrums and fits, solves nothing.
You seem convinced he wants to cheat. Then why are you putting yourself through all this?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2021): ...So that he can have his cake and eat it too ?..It is naive of you ( or of any other person ) to assume that people always feel like they have to choose , or even want to make a choice. Lots of people do not see love ( and sex ) in terms of either/or. They much prefer the maintaining the safety and comfort of the old status quo, AND welcoming the excitement and freshness of a new liaison.Anyway, in your shoes I'd throw the towel, regardless. You don't need his permission,or confession, to realize that this is a toxic relationship that should be terminate. Yes sure, most probably he does have a secret Iphone and he is gasligting you.But that's not even the real problem.The real problem is that, regardless of this Iphone episode, you cannot trust him, you have to spy on him, you keep seeing red flags popping up, and you two keep arguing and bickering and poisoning each other's life. This is no way to carry on a relationship, which anyway would be supposed to make your life better ,not worse ! Mind you, I think like you that he is up to no good and trying to pull the wool over your eyes.But even if he were totally blameless and the innocent victim of strange damning circumstances , welk, too bad, things still do not work between you, there's suspicion ,not trust, there's animosity,not cooperation- maybe you are just not meant for each other, that's all.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 August 2021): You don't trust this man. iPhone or no iPhone there is no trust. If you take a quick look back at your own post, you will see (I'm sure you already know) the extent that this relationship (for whatever reason) is testing your sanity.
I know nothing about whether this iPhone connected to Google could be a glitch or not, BUT your boyfriend's reaction is not good.
IF he has been doing things to cause you anxiety, then you need to look at whether or not this relationship is good for you or not. What does he do to make you anxious? What are the red flags you mention?
You CAN'T change him OR the way he behaves. If this man makes you anxious and unhappy then why are you still there?
You can't force an answer from him, nor can you MAKE him tell you the truth if you feel that he's lying. Have you ever heard the phrase, "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink?" The same applies here. You can yell and scream and insist he does something (like tell you a version of events that you can believe) but you can't MAKE him. And if he won't? Where does that leave you?
If you are constantly anxious and suspicious, then either he gives you very good reason to be OR your insecurity gets the better of you. The fact that you have been together for eight years but have only lived together for a short while, means that IF he is seeing someone else, he had a much easier time of hiding it when you were living apart. Now that you're there all the time, he can't hide it so well and you can tell something is up. That would be my guess.
From what you write, this relationship holds no joy for either of you. You both argue all the time, he puts you down? Explain more what is going on and then I could give better advice.
You ask, "What would you do in my place?"
I would leave. This life is SO short and precious, to be spending it like this. You too are not a good match. Whatever the reason.
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