A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Im a 49 year old divorcee. I've been going out with this man 18 years my senior for 4 years right after my divorce. I enjoy his company as he fills the empty place in my heart. Four years on, the passion has gone I feel like he is my dad more than a lover. This feeling comes all of a sudden and I dont know what to do. Please help.
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female
reader, hannahgolightly +, writes (30 October 2009):
 Hello,
first of all, most relationships go through high and low points of sexual attraction. That's the secret really- sex begins long before you enter the bedroom. If it is no longer there, then it is important to work out what has changed since you last experienced the sexual spark with eachother.
I am gonna take a wild guess and suggest that after your divorce you felt vulnerable and in need of a lot of love and care. Naturally you looked for a man who in your eyes could provide this for you. You then attracted a father figue into your life and this made you feel safe, secure, cared about, protected and loved in exactly the way you needed at the time.
If the above has struck a chord with you, then you need to honestly address what is now going on in your relationship. It is likely that your recouperation is now complete and you are left with a different set of needs from the man in your life and your current partner is no longer a suitable match. If this is the case then sad as it makes you feel and as much as you love him, it is time to move on. I know that you must be attached to him and he must love you, but the only other option is just to subconsiously sabbotage the relationship with bad behaviour and arguements until it naturally comes to an end.
If you honestly feel that the above is not behind your problem (and I suggest trusting your gut reaction to reading the above) then you need to look at the way you are both relating to eachother in a broader sense and work to improve that, taking inspiration from the way you related to eachother when you still had strong sexual desires for eachother. What is different now? Can it be changed? It will require commitment and straight yet sensitive talking on both sides to solve.
I get the sense from your letter that in your heart of hearts you know what you need to do. That sudden feeling is trying to tell you something you are not comfortable with and that you'd rather avoid... most likely something you have not been honest with yourself about. I assume this is because you are afraid of hurting your partner, which is important to you as a caring person and also you are afraid of being alone and being unable to fill 'the empty place in your heart'. Now is the time to be strong. All you really need are good friends and a confidence boost. Go for it!
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