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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: O.K. I'm losing a friend (let's call him 'Y') I've had for almost 12 years. He and I dated ages ago, somewhat into our friendship. I never expected to date him, though I always did like him. We broke up (also ages ago), but remained tight-knit friends (his insistence at first), even when we were living hours away from another, and even when he had other girlfriends after me. I waited quite a while to get with someone new, after Y. Y cycled though partners much faster than myself. When he was on number 3 after me, I was on number 1 after him--let's call #1 'Z'.I tend to be like a close close friend to who ever I am dating, so when Z and I broke up, I still was close to Z. Much more of my focus was on Z, but I did keep in contact with Y during and after the breakup. However, as time passes, I talk much more to Z and way less to Y. I sense that Z was more of what 'works' for me in a romantic relationship, but I have always wanted to keep contact with Y (reluctantly at first). However, I focus on the positives now more of Z than I do of Y. I hate to do it, but I compare Y to Z, and sometimes Y doesn't do it for me anymore, even as a friend because he isn't as proactive as Z in many ways. I suspect that I am not less directly flattering towards Y and also obviously have a less flattering picture of Y in my mind. I sense he picks up on this, and no longer gains any pleasure from me, because I do not help him with his rather insecure self-image. I hate losing sight of why I ever liked someone, but my experience with Z has somewhat blinded me to the positives of friendship with Y. I am forgetting Y and am flooded with memories of Z. I hate this. I don't want to lose one for the other, when both of them aren't mine to begin with, and when both are equally as good as the other, except in opposite ways. I also have a hard time accepting that Y was relying so heavily on my approval as he seemed to be, until I met Z. I don't like losing a close friend (Y), just because I gained a new one (Z). Does Y's very recent distance indicate that our friendship was based on a pile of bullsh*t. I would still be there for him, if he called me.Thanks for any advice you might have, but out of all things, please don't tell me to not make friends with my exes. They're like anyone else I've known and liked and had experiences with. If they see a reason to stick around even after times have gotten very difficult, and if they can still have fun with me and I with them, they can stick around as long as they want to or are allowed to by new territorial girlfriends.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, Neboraic  +, writes (17 February 2010):
Its very mentally healthy of you to be so close with your exes without any problems.
You should definately keep Z in your life.
I would give Y a last try, one last attempt to see if you can stay in each others lives, if its not working then call it a day, you could also help him to be more secure with his image, maybe then you opinion of him will go back to what it once was and you can be close again.
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