A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I don't understand what I have to do to get a girl. I mean, I understand, but I don't want to do certain things. I think I suffer from nice guy syndrome. Let me try to explain.From what I've noticed in my years being alive, when I meet people, particularly other guys, I generally try to be nice to them and open. If they are not nice, and don't try to be friendly, I stop trying with them unless they approach me and try to be friendly at some point. I have some roommates, and the majority of them I could tell were just like me, instantly friendly and we hit it off right away. Another roommate I talked to I could tell was not the same as the others. I could tell he wasn't trying to reciprocate kindness the same way as the others. I figured it's not worth my time to try to be friendly with him based on past experiences. The other roommates have done the same. It was an easy decision, and the outcome is better than what's happened in the past.Now here is where the problem arises. This guy, as well as other assholes I've met in the past, goes out and comes back with girls. Girls gravitate towards guys like him. However, nice guys shun guys like him. From all the things I've read, all this stuff about confidence, and from what I've experienced being around assholes and girls, I see and am fully aware of what girls are attracted to. I know how I have to act and how to be, but I CAN'T do it. I can't be what girls are attracted to. I do not want to lose my connection to other guys who are like myself. I don't want to be the assholes that I hate. I mean look at the crazy pickup artists on mtv who are actually successful. They are shallow pigs, and are a disgrace to humanity in my opinion.Now you may say, wait a minute, not all girls are the same. That's like saying not all guys are the same, but I promise you the vast majority of us really only care about how girls look. Girls are just as shallow as guys, and I've seen it with empirical proof by the shear number of girls that get with these guys, and not with the nice guys I know.Right now, I'm trying to balance the way I am with guys and girls. When I'm with guys, I am completely myself and happy. When I'm with girls, it's like a completely new self where I try to repress every urge to be a gentleman, polite and kind, and constantly work on saying and doing things which show "confidence". The sick thing is it is actually working. The problem is it makes me feel disgusted afterward. It's like the more I do it, the more I become like the assholes I hate. I've gotten to the point where I've kind of decided that what young women are attracted to is completely blind and stupid, and I don't want anything to do with it. I literally want to wait until women are older, so that I don't have to be a phony around them.This leads to another problem. Once women are older, I will know that the majority of them who are actually mature and choose nice guys will have already experienced their "mistakes".I don't know what to do. All these thoughts are constantly in my head, and I'm hoping so much that I can find someone or something that can prove me wrong and set me free. I feel like I'm constantly surrounded by shallow humanity. I want to be better than it, but I have to give in to it to fulfill my need for love and connection, otherwise I will become some bitter misogynistic adult. Anyone have any advice? I'd really like reading advice from someone who's lived as a "nice guy", and can shed some wisdom on the subject.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. The male response is pretty much what I've been thinking. I have to become an asshole, no matter how messed up it is.
The long female response kind of validates this point too. I feel horrible, but I guess it's just the way things are.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): You'd better get mean. I'm sorry this is not what you want to hear but it's the truth. Nice guys get the sloppy seconds after the jerks have had their pick of the litter and used the women as fuck toys for a while.
And here is the part that you really need to heed: Women basically see nothing wrong with all this.
The women get what they wanted at every stage in the game. They get bad boys when they want it, and they will eventually get nice guys when they want them later too. What's the problem?
The nice guys get the girl eventually in the end, isn't that all that matters? Shouldn't that make the nice guys happy, to work hard to earn the love of a wife who already fucked every guy who used to beat him up in junior high school? Shouldn't it make the nice guys happy, to have been left sitting at home all those years during their sexual prime because the girls weren't interested in them yet?
So please, stop wanting to be a nice guy. Most of these girls don't want you right now. Even when they want you later on, they still won't see anything wrong with what they put you through as a nice guy during this period in your lives.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 November 2010): I've dated the "nice guys" and the "jerks". Well I didn't know the jerks were assholes initially. Now I'm better at spotting them and avoiding them. I also avoid the overly nice guys too as they can represent a red flag. I'll explain.
The "nice guys" I've been with bent over backwards for me, which in the end, caused me to lose respect for them. They told me wonderful things, were open, honest about their insecurities and sensitive. This is all good but I must say that it is nice when a man reveals himself in layers instead of wearing his heart on his sleeve, at least initially, so as not to be scary. That way I don't feel that I am expected to be just as nice and open back. "Nice guys", at least the ones I've dated, tend to be more sensitive and this can make you feel uncomfortable. A lot of us afraid of real intimacy and revealing our true selves. It takes time for the walls to come down. "Jerks" are "safer". Opening up to anyone takes time. It's more comfortable to be with someone who holds back on showing you just how wonderful and caring they are, but eventually you DO want to see the more human, imperfect side of them, and relate.
Another point is that I tend not to respect the kind of guy who bends over backwards for me initially. I want a guy to do this after a while of dating when he knows me better and once I've "earned it" and proven myself to be trustworthy and ready for real intimacy. The "nice guys" I've dated fell in love too quick. I felt like they didn't know me well enough to be in love. My current relationship took things really slow. He got to know me before making commitments to me. He did not show me the true extent of his generosity at first, but eventually he did, over time. The slow and careful timeline showed maturity. I worked hard to earn his respect, love and trust.
Confidence is very attractive. It's okay to fake it until you get comfortable with it. Being confident doesn't mean you have to be a shallow asshole however. I think there's a big, HUGE difference there!
In the end though, be who you are! You will eventually find the companionship you are looking for with both men and women. Work to build confidence and always respect yourself. The last two items will definitely attract woman - especially good ones!
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Be who you are,you can never know what the tide will bring ;)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 November 2010): Well,I don't know if this will help you,but I would LOVE to be with someone like you.And I'm not old :)
So,be patient,you will meet someone that will love you just the way you are,and there are tons of girls who just want a nice guy :)
Best wishes!
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