A
male
age
36-40,
confused.about.everthing
writes:I recently broke up with my girlfriend of almost one year. Let me explain why, she was married but seperated when we met and on valentines day her husband (seperated) broke into her home and beat her up. She moved in with me and pressed charges only to later leave me and drop the charges. He is an illegal mex. He was not deported and she got back with him for two months and then came back to me because she said she would never have anything with him and wanted me. Her family hated him and loved me. We were together for 6 more months and you could hear in her voice when she said she loved me that it was strained. She then said my penis was a " a bit small", even though she always said she had never enjoyed sex as much as with me. I confronted her and she said she was giving me all she could but she did still love him. What is the deal with american women and mexicans. There seems to be alot of that nowadays, especially in this area. They all seem to beat the women and cheat on them but the women will leave everything to be with them, WHY, WHY???? I did everything and gave everthing and was not able to make her happy and love me only. What is the attraction? They cant even live here legal but they take our women and abuse them and the women seem to like it.I dont understand, Help??
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broke up, moved in, my penis Reply to this Question |
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female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (15 October 2007):
 Your brain knows that she has serious issues and you should stay far away. It's your emotions that are waffling. It's not that your emotions are not real; they most certainly are. It's that you know if you follow them, that it will most assuredly have disastrous results. You cannot save her. Only she can save her. She slept with another guy two days after you left! She has no self-control or self-respect so she's not loving herself and she cannot love anyone else, right now. Even if she decides to save herself, she will not be healthy enough for a relationship for a VERY long time. Cut her out of your life like a cancer. Yeah, I know ... I sound cold. *shoulder shrug* Truth is, if I was talking to her, I'd tell her to stay away from any relationships and focus on getting herself together, too. We all like the idea of someone loving us through a hard time but that doesn't apply to this situation.
Go heal yourself. When you are healthy (and you've been through some serious trauma here, so don't be Mr Big Guy and say that you can 'handle' it... that doesn't make you macho, it makes you 'in denial'). Realize that all these feelings of hurt, obligation, anger, confusion are human, not masculine or feminine. Treat yourself with patience and compassion. It is possible to care for someone and put distance between you because they're damaging you. You don't have to 'hate' her, her ex husband, or anyone else that distracts you from healing.
As for your sense of obligation, I think someone that knows your details would be a better sounding board than I.
Remind yourself that it is okay to hurt and be angry. Emotions are a good sign; being numb is scary. Best wishes.
A
male
reader, confused.about.everthing +, writes (15 October 2007):
confused.about.everthing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you "Baby Duck" I was not talking about you on the soap box. I was referring to "fade878".
You have given me only meaningful advice and for that thank you very much.
My main issue now is how to actually get passed and over her. I still feel so responsible for things left undone around the house. The bills, her kids. Normal things a loving caring person thinks and deals with when you really love someone. I do still love her and to be honest she ask me to come back and I am not sure how not to. She also had sex with someone else only two days after I left, all the while telling me to come back and then she would say no I am not sure I want you back. If it matters he was another Mexican. I do really care for her and like I said I feel sooo obligated and confused. How can or do I deal with this? I dont know????
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A
female
reader, Fade878  +, writes (13 October 2007):
 It's a good thing I love and appreciate living in a Country that allows me freedom to be who I am and do what I will.
I'm happy.
You are the farthest thing from happy.
Not only do you attack people based on their race, you attack them based on the Country they live in.
I can see why she left you-your are pure miserable and hateful.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 October 2007): She's attracted to losers. Sounds like she wants a loser more than she wants a decent guy.
She wouldn't be the first.
LEAVE HER. Nice guys finish last with her, and she's VERY unlikely to EVER change if she's 30+ years old. You cannot ever be "good enough" to make her want you more than the other guy, so I think you should stop degrading yourself with her by trying. The harder you try to win her, the more unlikely you ever will be to rate has highly as the other guy in her mind.
Find someone else. She'd obviously rather get beaten up by a loser and you can't reason with that.
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (11 October 2007):
*stepping out on a limb*
Confused.about.everything: let's get back on topic. Your question got lost in the delivery.
You are understandably hurt and confused. The hurt is something that will ease with time, but only if you change your mind. As you well know, we cannot help the way we feel. But, because our feelings come from our beliefs and thoughts, and if we change them, our feelings will change. Okay. That's the answer for your hurt feelings. It is simple but not easy, but you can do it.
On to the next thing. Part of the reason that you are confused is because you dumped a lot of stuff in one pot and mixed it all up. You have made your political views abundantly clear but that is truly another conversation for another time. Believe it or not, it really has nothing to do with your issue. If you were an Asian, your ex girlfriend was an African, and her ex husband was German, but all the same hurtful things happened, you would be in the same situation, wouldn't you? So, let's take "American women" and "illegal Mexican Men" out of the equation. Your ex girlfriend is addicted to drama and a co-dependent. That is evident in the cruel disrespect she showed to you with the phone call right out of bed. Her ex husband beat her. According to you, you've been an absolute prince. So ... you are so confused! Why would she do this? It has nothing to do with her being an American and her ex being an illegal Mexican. It's because she has serious issues that she has to resolve and, as much as it hurts, she's not willing to do it. You have to walk away. You're not going to get the 'happily ever after' we all dream of in this chapter.
Now. Before you accuse me of being on a soapbox. I am a libertarian (read: decidedly not liberal) and I am participating in a fund raiser on Saturday, being held in the memory of a girl brutally raped and murdered by her ex boyfriend, an illegal Mexican. That said, I don't make inflammatory statements. So, for future reference, if you want some compassionate advice regarding your very real and justified pain and confusion, make sure you stay on topic and don't create extra drama where it should not exist.
I wish you peace.
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A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (11 October 2007):
See, you are an abuser. You are unfair and mean tempered and unjust. That could be a part of why you are where you are.
Ownership is key in this life.
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A
male
reader, confused.about.everthing +, writes (11 October 2007):
confused.about.everthing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell that should get her on her soap box real good. Think what you will of me, I only say what all the liberals wish they could say but are two busy trying to accept others, kiss butt, take bribs and screw up a country and try to tell others how to run their country.
There is something to be said for the old ways and ACCEPTING all that comes is not always a good thing. Sometimes you got to get alittle mad and tear up the market place, if you know what I mean.
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A
male
reader, confused.about.everthing +, writes (11 October 2007):
confused.about.everthing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNO, I think these matters are some that I am pretty clear on. I give respect to those that earn and deserve it.
I give consideration to all things even those spewed by a soap opera want-a-b like yourself.
I in fact am a very compassionate man and will give away all I have for another that is deserving.
I will also accept those things that are wisely decided and are not thrown down your throat by those who claim to be better that others and know all!!!
However, I am confused by people like yourself who make decisions clouded by political views adapted hundreds of years ago by a culture that still to this day can not get out from under the good old Queen's skirt.
I dont feel liberal enough to allow all things good or bad to degrade society and a clean christian way of life, i.e. Gay getting married, porn sites on all corners, gambling in every town, OR illegal immigration and a complete change in or way of life to accomidate that.
I think I am done with the soap box, however, you stay on it cause it may be the only place where your political views have reasonable value.
OH, by the way, I am sorry if what I have said upset anyone, however I think that those with enough sense to read everything and not look for a soap box will find that all is not as you have cried.
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A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (11 October 2007):
I agree-you are indeed confused about everything, especially matter on respect, consideration, compassion, and acceptance.
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A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (11 October 2007):
An abuser is not always meaning physical violence. It can be through verbal threats, slurs, attack of someone's religious, cultural, political beliefs.
An abuser can be someone who has anger management issues, who explodes and screams, shouts, hits or slams objects.
An abuser can be someone who neglects, ignores, withholds affection, punishes someone for getting in their way and in the way of their self serving agenda.
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A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (11 October 2007):
The past ignorance and injustices and should not still be allowed to happen in our day and time. We are more aware and with this we learn to become more tolerant, accepting of others. We may not live or agree with others way of living but who is anyone to say that because you live and believe one thing gives you license to come on here and spurt out ignorance and veiled contempt for another's race and contempt.
Perhaps your hot headedn self got you in a position that the fair minded self is not going...hmmmm. I can accept that.
Sometimes just saying sorry I came across as an ass and let my temper get the better of me-clears up everything nicely.
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A
male
reader, confused.about.everthing +, writes (11 October 2007):
confused.about.everthing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI think you are reading way too much into what I wrote and that is your choice. Yes, I guess I am bitter, yes I allowed myself to be used. I understand all of that and that seems to be what you want or need to dwell on and that is also your choice. The question was simple and if you were not looking for some contraversial flag to wave or some bleeding heart podium to stand on you would be able to see the question and possiblly give an answer to it! However since you seem to be all political and stuff, you my not be able to see the forrest for the tree.
So, lets see, My anchersors were German, they came here and learned the language and wanted and desired to become useful members of society.! They did not request or demand that American schools be taught in German just so they would feel at home, They did not live off the goverment and live illegaly with no intentions of becoming citizens of our great nation! We are all decendants of imigrants, are we not? But, if our ancestors had demanded what some are now and had done all they could to not become a citizen, not to learn the language, not to work to build our nation, What would it be now??
I have no problem with imigration, like I said we are all decendants of imigration in one form or another, but there is right and wrong ways to do it.!!
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A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (11 October 2007):
All I hear in your rantings is that you made the foolish choice of taking her back time and again-with the full knowledge she was involved and desiring the other man.
You set yourself up time and again. I can even see you are a last resort.
Show some courage and respect for yourself by living the two strikes (for infidelity) your out rule.
We objected strongly to the racial slurs- an honest man would not resort to such lowly ways to vent his anger. Saying I am so angry-I feel so betrayed, I am hurt gets your message across without the unnecessary and vile comments based on stereotypes.
Show some maturity-it can be done, even when one loses his temper; it can be handled in a more appropriate manner.
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A
male
reader, confused.about.everthing +, writes (11 October 2007):
confused.about.everthing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOh, by the way, I HAVE NEVER HIT ANY WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have been kicked out of bars defending women I dont even know from people who do this sort of thing.
I also raised two daughters pretty much by my self from the age of 1 year, and 6 months old until now, so I dont like being called an abuser. I THINK I AM FAR FROM IT.
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A
male
reader, confused.about.everthing +, writes (11 October 2007):
confused.about.everthing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst let me say that I am not a RACIST. I have many friends from all walks of life!!!!
However, when you are planning a party for you daughter's high school graduation and the woman you love and have been with for over 6 months tells you see doesnt really love you that she wants to go back to an abuser, it hurts!!!
SOO, you wait around cause she keeps you on the hook, and she comes back after 2 months. Things are ok, but strained, not like before, but you hope it will work out, because you love her that much. Then after another month you are laying in bed and she says she cant do this, she then proceeeds to call him and BEG him to take her back, all while you listen. he says no and hangs up and she calls back and continues to beg, so you leave, she later calls you and says no come back I REALLY WANT YOU. So you tuck your tail and come back. You spend three more months trying to get her to love you only, you do everything, sell everything, give up everything. She promises not to call him or have contact with him, SHE DOES, you can hear in her voice it is a strain to say I LOVE YOU. You finally give up and move out. You go to a web site to ask for some advice and get CRAPPED on again.
THANKS
Secondly, who are you to judge me, I ask for some advice and get critised for how I feel, you should not be giving or offering advice if all you can do is find fault.
This PERSON, if you will, called all the time, even after being told not to. Pestered, proded, poked, and whined, and begged, and cried for her not to press charges, not to make him pay damages to the house.....whatever.
Yes, I am bitter, no I am not a racist, BUT, I do see this alot in the area I am in and MY QUESTION WAS WHAT IS THE ATTRACTION, WHY DEGRADE YOURSELF AND PUT UP WITH IT?????
I worked with several women at a local discount store for some time and know 4 personally that went thru and are going thru the same thing. I also know of almost a dozen that are doing this, I dont know them personally but have met them, you see, I HAVE MEXICAN FRIENDS ALSO, and they tell me that the american women will put up with it just like the mexican women. They tell me that it is ok in their culture to have a wife and many other women as long as they care for their wife and kids, so they bring that mentality here and find white women willing to put up with it. SO, you can get off my back, I am not just running my mouth, I have ask others and just wanted to see what people, who I though could be objective, thought.
Not so Objective I guess.
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A
female
reader, Fade878 +, writes (11 October 2007):
Women don't like it-seriously that you even say such a comment demonstrates that you yourself are an abuser.
You aren't any better an abuser is still an abuser.
Get some counselling and anger management.
And nowhere did you ever state how much you loved her, valued her.
I suspect she choose the lesser of two evils. Deal with it.
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A
male
reader, Collaroy  + ♥, writes (11 October 2007):
 Wow, I almost felt sorry for you . I certainly feel sorry for the women involved , she is a classic example of a person who cant rid herself of abuse.
But you sir are a genuine racist and I have no sympathy for people like you.
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A
male
reader, martini +, writes (11 October 2007):
 Would you agree that at least 99% of all Chinese, Chinese-descendents, and any Asian women are horrible drivers? If you say "yes", congratulations, you have just won a one way ticket to the EXIT. EXIT NOW, please, before I find some way to boot you off for having such horrible, terrible, nasty stereotypical comments laced with racism.
How did this even get approved? Huh?
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A
female
reader, baby duck + ♥, writes (10 October 2007):
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Buddy! Whew! First of all, don't lump people in categories like that! I know you're upset but all Mexicans don't beat their women and all American women don't fall for abusive Mexicans. I happen to know a lot of people in both categories (Mexican and American, not abusive and abused).
Okay. Now. If we're going to use labels, let's use the right ones. The woman you love has serious issues, but it's because she's got a co-dependent personality. The creep that beat her is an abusive man. You'll find co-dependents and abusers in every color, religion, social-class ...
Okay, I digress. Now ... let's talk about you because you are the one that's reaching out for some guidance. Something about you was attracted to a 'victim'. Take a look inside and see what you can change about yourself so that you'll be attracted to healthy, assertive women that won't tolerate abuse. With those changes (whatever they are, do you see yourself as the prince out to rescue the damsel in distress? that has got to go!), you will attract healthy women and they'll be attracted to you.
Okay now. Good luck to you and get a hold of your frustration because, even though we do have all kinds of fallout with the whole illegal situation-run-amok, bigotry is just a fancy word for hate ... and it's going to hurt you and poison everyone around you. Hate the situation, but don't hate people. =)
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 October 2007): Most American women don't like Mexican men in that way..I think you are dating women who are all pretty much the same & that is why you think that..but it's definetly NOT true.
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A
male
reader, confused.about.everthing +, writes (10 October 2007):
confused.about.everthing is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCentral United States, no where near the boarder, they are spreading
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