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female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes: Here is the situation. I have been dating this guy for about a year and a while now, everything (to my understanding is great). The only big discussions we have had is about his ex girlfriend. My boyfriend ended his previous relationship very badly which lead to hatefulness from his ex. However his ex seems to always be coming back into his life, by phone calls, random meetings, emails, etc. I found out about these conversations by accident, by actually catching him in a lie. Therefore I confronted him about it and said I was really uncomfortable with him still being friends with his ex but if he didn't want to end their friendship all I ask is that he tells me when he calls her, goes to she her, emails her, and vice versa. He agreed. I have caught him at least three times since then, talking to her without informing me. He tells me it is to not get me upset. But I feel he his going against my wishes. What do you think I should do?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 March 2007): There's 2 ways too look at this the right way and the sneaky, behind the back way.
The right way, first I would suggest sitting down with him and talking things out and tell him how much it disgusts you. Asking him to be up front and honest with you about all the contact is good, you need that trust to keep a relationship strong. I don't think it's overbearing at all, because fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.......
And the not so right way to handle this: If you happen to share the computer with him at times, install a keylogger program that will take screenshots, record all images, audio, and whatever is typed onto the computer. Then you'd be able to read everything he's done on the computer. Maybe that will give some closure to the situation. Or even set up a fake e-mail/myspace to see if he falls for the bait.
If you think he's up to more than being friends, then I'd do option 2. It worked with one girl that cheated on me. Granted I felt bad, pretty much having access to everything of her's she looked at on the computer, but I found out the truth.
But too be sensible the right way is the way to go. Start cutting him off from things the both of you share if he's not upfront or telling you everything. You decide.....
A
female
reader, dragonette  +, writes (13 March 2007):
 How often does he talk to his ex? Maybe if he's not talking to her more than once every two weeks you don't need all the rules about him updating you whenever he calls or emails her. I'm a bit concerned about the rules because it makes you come across as insecure and a bit controlling, but I don't have all the facts so I can't see the whole picture.
When he tells you he was in touch with his ex, do you get upset? If you do, then maybe he was telling the truth when he says "I didn't let you know because I didn't want you to get upset" and there is nothing in their conversations that would threaten your relationship.
In any case, if I were you I would be much more concerned if your boyfriend went out with his ex without telling you. That would actually be really bad.
I have one question though: If things ended badly between him and the ex-girlfriend, how come he still wants to be her friend?
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