A
male
age
30-35,
*sito
writes:i've been in a serious relationship with this really amazing girl for almost an year now. when i started this relationship with her we made our respective past lives as transparent to each other as possible. i assured her that i had no problems with her past relationships or sexual activities and everything went pretty well for almost 8 months and then she told me that she had a problem with all the stuff i had done before i met her, so i told her that i was sorry about it but in all fairness there was nothing i could do about it. now she keeps telling me how it hurts her to think that even though i was the first guy she slept with, i have slept with other people before. worse still ever since then she keeps changing her statements about her past sexual activities and for the life of me i'm confused, sometimes she says she never let her past partners touch her in any significant manner and other times she claims that she's done a lot of raunchy things with her ex's. i have no problems with her past and i love the girl like crazy but i hate to think that she might be lying to me or screwin with my head, peersonally i lean towards beleiving that she was quite intimate with her ex's cuz thats what she told me when i told her about my past but i dont know whats the truth anymore. my friends tell me that either she has really done all the stuff she claimed to have done earlier and is only changing her statement now to mess with my head or that she only said those things in retaliation to my past activities cuz they pissed her off and she wanted to incite a simillar reaction in me. i love her but i can't be with her if she keeps changing her statements, to me thats like a breach of trust. idon't know how to handle this situation and i don't even count myself mature enough to sit down and be able to solve this mutually, i need help desperately cuz i really want to continue this relationship, please could any one help me out?
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her ex, her past Reply to this Question
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male
reader, osito +, writes (18 March 2009):
osito is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni've sent u the PM. thank u for all ur help.
A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom  +, writes (16 March 2009):
 Oops Osito! I accidentally clicked "vote to remove unhelpful or hurtful answer" under your last reply! Oh well I'm sure the site will read your reply and say "That's not hurtful!" :D Sorry.
Yes, PM me with the details if you like. I hope I can help.
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A
male
reader, osito +, writes (14 March 2009):
osito is verified as being by the original poster of the questionim really messing up my english sorry, im not very used to typing on the comp. there should an "i"between "if" n "were" in the 4th last line. oh n would it be OK if i sent u a private message to give u the details about her?
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A
male
reader, osito +, writes (14 March 2009):
osito is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni sat down to talk with her n it went well to start with, she understood that i was sorry about the things i'd done before n that i couldn't change my past, we settled that isuue but when it came to the subject of her past she didn't gimme any straight answers n kept avoiding the topic, she's still changing her statements n i'am just as confused as before but thanks to ur advice i've dealt with her issues regarding my past but i still need ur help in dealing with the remaining problem also if were to give u the details about her outlook n behaviour regarding sexual matters could u gimme ur opinion on which situation is more likely? once again thanks a lot.
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A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (14 March 2009):
AWWW! What you said was really loving. I think that would work.
Okay, say "I have something important I want to talk to you about. Can we sit down for a few minutes?" Then you can say what you just wrote about how you love her and don't care about her past. And how you're very sorry that your past bothers her, but it's in the past, and you're with her now, and you want to have as happy a time as possible with her. Then take a breath, and say, "But there's one thing I'm feeling kind of sad and confused about. At first, you told me you had x experiences, and later you seemed to tell me you didn't have those experiences. I want to emphasize I don't care what you did or didn't do with anyone else; I just want to understand and feel there are open lines of communicaiton with us. Maybe I misunderstood at some point, so I want you to straighten me out now."
Something like that. Does that sound doable?
The main technique for not making someone defensive is to keep YOUR focus on YOURSELF. So instead of saying "You told two different stories," you would say "I thought you said this, and after I thought you said that, and that confused me." So using "I" a lot helps keep you focused on your own feelings. don't fall into the trap of saying "I feel that you let me down" or something similar! Because that's still making an accusation.
You may not be able to avoid putting her on the defensive, but if you stay calm and focused on expressing your good intentions and your need to understand, I think it will go better than otherwise.
Good luck! And update!
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A
male
reader, osito +, writes (13 March 2009):
osito is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks Mrs. Mom i really appreciate ur help n i'll definately try to sit down n have a talk about the issue with her, although i'd really appreciate it if u could gimme an idea about how to bring the issue up in the least offensive manner, i really don't wanna hurt her, she's really sensitive n more over she probably loves me more than i love her, i just wanna let her know that her past is not an issue for me n that i'm sorry for the things i indulged in before i met her, i wanna tell her that she's the most important thing to me n the only thing i care about is what we have between us right now.
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A
female
reader, Mrs. Mom +, writes (13 March 2009):
The only way out of this is through. So though you fear you're not mature enough to face it head on, give it a try. I bet you can do it.
Sit down with her and tell her what you told us. Make it as neutral as possible. Don't accuse her of anything, because that will just make her defensive (it would to most of us!). Tell her you're confused, and you really just want to know the truth so you can trust her and feel close to her.
I guess this is the reason why many people have a policy of not discussing past relationships with their new loves. "Full disclosure" can be very tricky when it comes to love.
Good luck! Please update!
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A
male
reader, osito +, writes (12 March 2009):
osito is verified as being by the original poster of the questionoops that should be a 'personally', its either my language skills eroding or the stress is really getting to me.
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