A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi,Basically my problem is that I have scars on my upper legs from self-harming a very long time ago ( 10 years ago). The reasons behind this don't really matter as they no longer exist and don't explain anything about the person that I am now. So why am I online writing about it? Well, I recently met a guy who I have started to date. I'm interested and at some point we're going to sleep together and he will see the scars. Although the scars are old they are still there and realistically I have to tell him before we are intimate. This is pretty scary.Thing is he's not the first guy I've had to tell but this time it's different - both of my previous boyfriends were friends first. When you're friends first and you get together you're past the decision making stage and know each other well. New guy is someone I've only just met so I'm worried that this will have a strong impact on his opinion of me. Also, previous boyfriends were college/uni boyfriends but this new guy is in his early thirites (I'm mid-late twenties). When a guy that age meets a girl and a month or so in she lays down all this info - surely he's going to take that completely differently to someone younger who has known me well before a sexual relationship develops. He's going to run a mile - or (he's a nice guy) feel compelled to sound like he's ok with it then extricate himself from the situation he's found himself in.I am a confident, successful person who bears no resemblance to the person who needed self-harm to cope back then. I don't recognise her, don't want to describe her/her problems but the scars mean I can't escape my past.Thoughts very much appreciated. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, just wanted to say thank you for the responses! They are all very sensible and well reasoned and whilst I'll ruminate further I think a sense of perspective has been restored! It was especially useful hearing from the guys with personal experience (from the other side) here.
I only stumbled upon this site last night and it is incredible that there are so many people kindly giving the benefit or their wisdom or experience. I hope the agony aunts/uncles realise how amazingly generous that is of them. Very much appreciated!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2008): I wouldn't rush to tell him until necessary. Then tell the truth when the 2 of you are relaxed. My wife had to tell me 3 things about herself as soon as we atarted dating in our early-mid 30s. She told me 2 while at a nice restaurant and I held her hand and told her that it was OK and that I didn't think any less of her for it. She was nervous and was afraid that I would leave her. Neither one of them ever bothered me at all.
The 3rd thing that she had to tell me she did by hints that made her sound really bad. She finally told me the whole story after some weeks and her behavior bothered me for a long time. Perhaps if she had told me this one at the same time and in the same straight forward manner she told me the first 2, I might not have had such a problem with it. I'll never know.
Just tell him when you feel comfortable doing so and just say it straight out. My guess is that he will be able to accept it and will not be bothered at all if he knows the entire story at once.
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A
male
reader, Replacement  +, writes (29 August 2008):
 Well you don't have to tell him yet, you could wait until he sees them and asks about them. If they aren't too high up on your leg, you could show him them when you are wearing shorts or a skirt, and hope that he comments. This is the easiest way to initiate a natural, un-awkward conversation about them. If you act like you are totally cool with them and they don't bother you then he will probably feel the same. You don't have to tell him before you're intimate. You should really tell him at a time when it feels natural to do so, don't force it or make it a huge, dramatic confession.
I dated a girl who self-harmed in her youth and had many scars on her legs and arms. I noticed them, but didn't say anything until the right time. They were obviously from self-harming and I didn't want to make her uncomfortable by drawing attention to them, so I waited until after a relaxing evening together, after we had made love. I asked her about them in 'the afterglow' and she told me the full story. They never bothered me, turned me off, or made me feel uncomfortable around her. They were part of her and I, at the time, thought she was beautiful, so I thought they, too, were beautiful.
All in all, it is part of your past and he will likely not have a problem with them.
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