A
female
age
41-50,
*ondonBaby
writes:I was seeing this guy on and off for 3 years. It ended badly with me never wanting to see him again. He kept trying to start things up again and I gave in about 3 months ago. Things were great, we have been dating and having a great time. I finally thought we'd got over all the issues and I had dealt with the hurt he caused me before. The problem is, the last couple of times we've been out we've had a row. I am the sort of person who stands up for herself and what I believe in and if I need to fight back or say something, I will. He says I just cause trouble and ruin his night and when I try to talk to him about it he literally turns on his heel and walks off which is even more frustrating. I miss him when he's not around and we do have a good relationship otherwise but I don't feel I should apologise when I have done nothing wrong and I certainly shouldn't have to chase him down the street to listen to my point of view. I am so confused about what to do. Help? Reply to this Question
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male
reader, omon  +, writes (8 December 2007):
 Hello there,In a relationship, understanding must come into play from the onset till its end. If he doesn't understand you enough to know how you stand for your right anywhere, then there is a problem because for that long....3 years.., he wasn't taking enough time to studying your person...maybe he is carried away with his own interest.On the other hand, he might be the kinda person that dislike public awareness/ violence of any such, if you have failed to realise that about him, then you should swallow your pride and make him at least know you are sorry.
A
female
reader, TasteofIndia  +, writes (8 December 2007):
 okay, sister. Been there. This is going to be a long reply, and for that - I am sorry.
I know that with me and my boyfriend, I'm the type who wants to talk out our problems as soon as an issue arises. So I'm sort of like you, I want to talk, I want to stand up for myself and my point. He, however, just shuts down and walks away. AND IT DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!
But, I've started to learn something. The way I solve problems is talking them out. What he needs is some space to cool down before he can talk. So I've learned to let him walk away for a little bit when he walks away. I let him chill out for twenty, thirty minutes. Then he is able to talk with me, we've both cooled down and can be open.
I know there are a lot of times where I feel like (or KNOW) I'm in the right. He, somehow wants to apologize for something, and I'm like "are you kidding me? I don't have anything to apologize for, you jerk!!" and we start up again. But NOW, I have found that sometimes just gritting your teeth and saying you're sorry for hurting his feelings can cool down an argument.
I am not saying that you need to tell him that you were wrong and that he was right. No, no. Just start off by saying, "I'm really sorry that I made you feel that way. I'm sorry that your feelings got hurt and that you felt I was out of line. I'm sorry." - he'll feel a little better.
Then you say, "now, can you see why I got mad?" and then tell him why YOU'RE upset. Hopefully he will apologize as well. Then both of you will feel heard, you'll be cool.
Sometimes someone has to be the bigger person, just grit your teeth and apologize. Even if you think that he was the only one out of line, if his feelings are hurt you can at least apologize for that.
Oh my God, this is so long. Did I make sense? Did I get what I was trying to say across? If this is a load of crap, I apologize (see how easy apologizing can be?).
Good luck, sweetness. I hope you get your apology! It sounds like you deserve one.
xxIndia
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (8 December 2007):
 You need to apologize. You're trying too hard to be right. Your point of view is how you perceive and the same with his. We all like different things, our points of view are the same as if it's a like or dislike. You don't try to push your point of view about why you enjoy a certain flavor of ice cream that he may not care much for. You're right in your perception but that doesn't mean he has to change his to meet yours. That's where compromise comes in. The saying goes "seek first to understand" Understand the other persons point of view and don't judge if it's right or wrong. Another one says "God gave us two ears and only one mouth, to tell us to listen twice as much as we talk." It sounds like you have communication issues in this relationship and from you saying you shouldn't have to apologize tells me you really have a desire to be right. I hope this helps.
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