A
female
age
36-40,
*oman23
writes:My Husband asked me if we can go to his brother's who is visiting for four months has invited us to eat dinner, i told him that yes i would love to go, but that the bookclub was that night, so i told him that i may cancel so we can go. i contacted the bookclub and i felt i had to go because it is once a month and half and some friends joined because of me so i should be there with them, I told my husband that we wont make it for dinner and he got really upset that i just decided without consulting with him first. I agree but he took it real serious and he called me a push over and he said the he is jealous of other wommen who have greater opinions and stick to their beliefs and values. He also said that his brother sees tension in our relationship and i apologized and his response was" I knew it would come to this but now you have to suffer the consequences of not talking and having more tension". What should i do?
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female
reader, woman23 +, writes (4 June 2008):
woman23 is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thank you guys for your postings and advices, i feel more comfortable to hear your opinions, they help alot!!!
A
female
reader, Queeny  +, writes (3 June 2008):
 Gosh! you are not able to make a decision and stick on it. there are probably other instances this has happened and your husband is getting really upset at it coz you don't have a firm stand and you are very spontaneous. you can improve this by askin your hubby to be telling you of any arrangements in advance so that you plan yourself. it seems the bookclub is well organised such that there is specific days of the month when you and your friends meet. let your husband also know that you have plans as an individual unless for some very exceptional instances when you can both bend your plans to fit each other. he is getting upset because you agreed then later changed your mind only to even get away without his awareness. this isn't fair lol..
on the same note, i also feel that you fear saying no to your hubby and you feel pressured to meet his demands. this is an issue you can both work on and his brother should just keep his nose out of your marriage business. he is very annoying he has just come for 4months and he wants to cause the tension between you and your hubby. (don't react this way infront of your hubby, he may think your against his brother)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 June 2008): You can't be in two places at once.
I've no idea what happens at a book club meeting, but from your husband's perspective I'd say it comes second to a family gathering.
What should you do? Well, if the book club meeting hasn't happened yet I'd say to give them your apologies, apologise to your husband and go to dinner at your brother-in-law's place instead of the book club. They probably won't miss you all that much, especially if you explain to them why it is that you won't be there.
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A
female
reader, Upenn_09  +, writes (3 June 2008):
 sorry forgot to mention as to what I think you should do:
I say you give him "love coupons" I know it might sound cheesy but they do MIRACLES!!!! and he'll probably find it somewhat funny, that way you can ease tensions and just talk about both of your feelings...
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A
female
reader, Upenn_09 +, writes (3 June 2008):
Hello darling!,
I don't really much about marriages but whoa!....here's what I think:
First, would you cancel going to your mom's funeral because of bookclub?. I'm assuming you'll say no, for some people family is THAT or EVEN more important. My brother's the perfect example: he's a total jock, loves hanging out with girls and his football/wrestling friends but when our mom's sick, he'll drop even the most anticipated party where his "potential gf" will be, just to stay at home with mom.
Now, let me turn the tables on you. If your mom were to come and you could only see her for a limited time and your husband cancelled on you, (when he had already said IN ADVANCE that he'd go with you) because he had a poker tournament at his buddy's, would you be ok with it?.
I really have to side w/ur husband because you never even told him of your new plans until hours before? (am I understanding corrently?).
Now concerning what he said to you, I think that we all say things that we don't mean to say when we are angry but at the same time we DO say things that we feel, whether we say these things are being said consciously or not... I don't mean to make you feel bad but maybe you really should dig deeper, why did he have that specific complain about values and stuff?, why did he even bring up what his brother said and finally the phrase "more tension"?? ... hmm I don't know that's a red flag to me...
Like I said take my advice for what it's worth... I'm not relationship expert but I don't know thinking about how I behave when I'm angry and why I say things when I'm angry, just makes me wonder...
Hope it helps!
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