A
female
age
30-35,
*t1012
writes:My bf of 8 months dumped me almost 3 months ago, because "we are comfortable but it doesn't mean it's going anywhere." He's been "thinking abt it for a few weeks" and "I am getting obsessed with the relationship." He's my first bf and I really loved him. However, sometimes I still think about the break-up, looking for what I've done that could have triggered him to start thinking about breaking up, wishing I've done things differently.1 month before the BU, my friends all said that I should talk to him about "him from time to time play with his phone when hanging out together, sometimes for really long, and I am always the one going all the way to his place", even if he's being defensive abt talking like "we are not talking about sh*t". In the end I did and he's pissed because he didnt want to talk and I ruined his weekend with drama (went to his house but then cried - I couldnt help it :/), he can do whatever he wants and I shouldn't date and this is not fun. Things went back to normal, he's texting me everyday and initiating hang-outs for 2 weeks, though I did bicker for 1-2 lines while we were texting and he said "you need to relax"/"drama queen"One time when he texted me after drinking till late that he's going to wake up early the next morning to go to gym, I just questioned whether he could wake up that early and he didnt seem to wake up that early after drinking till late except for work, he replied "you are a great support. Why do I date you...haha" and "you really don't know me well" After I initiated hang out twice on third week, he became distant then on the fifth weekend, he broke up with me :/I kept feeling so stupid for making us talk about that problem when he's never into talking about our problems, and that maybe he didnt play that much when we hanged out. also those bickering texts, and i should have just be less sarcastic at times (though a lot of times he's sarcastic and offended me a few times). He probably saw me as a crazy, emotional, nagging drama queen, and I felt so disappointed about myselfWhenever I see things like relationship talk, or words like nagging, crazy, whiny, b*tch, obsessive, drama queen, I will get triggered to loop the memories again.How long will this last? How to cope with it?
View related questions:
broke up, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (28 October 2013):
 As much as you don't feel this right now, breaking up was the BEST thing for YOU. (and him).
He wasn't a very good BF and you were a inexperienced GF. Which really isn't that strange since this was your first relationship.
He didn't want a relationship, where he HAD to put in any work or change HIS routine. He just wanted to be able to say he has a GF. And the thing is when you tried to bring up subject that is pretty NORMAL things to talk about he turned it around on you, telling you that YOU are crazy and a drama queen, that you nag and he really don't know why he is dating you. WHICH all makes YOU question YOURSELF.
Honey all you did was make a mistake dating a VERY immature lad. And you seem a little to insecure in your own way too, try NOT to please everyone all the time.
One thing though, LEARN from this relationship.
1. Don't ARGUE over texts, that is ridiculous, for several reasons. Firstly it's pointless, and hard to express what you are really thinking and feeling and can be interpreted in many many ways that you NEVER meant to convey. Secondly, IF there is an issue, it is MUCH better to talk about it face to face, so you can express yourself and read each others body language.
2. Crying because he doesn't want to talk. Honey, that IS a little drama-llama like. If he doesn't WANT to talk. Tell him to give you a call when he DOES want to talk then, Go home. When you get home you sit down and think about what you WANT/NEED from him. Learn to communicate and negotiate and compromise.
3. If a guy texts you telling you, I'm getting up early (and you know he probably won't - instead of telling him (like a parent to a child), "I don't think you can" - remind him to set his cell phone alarm and have a great day at the gym. Be supportive. You would want a BF to be supportive of you, right?
4. Do expect to CHANGE a guy. Or FIX him. He is who he is. (and you are you). Little things can change BETWEEN you two, as to how you communicate and treat each other but in general, don't date a "fixer-upper" a good guy who would be great if only XYZ was "fixed".
5. Guys are not mind readers. So you might have thought you were being sassy and he read it as sarcastic (again that is what you get with carrying on a relationship where the main communication is through TEXTING) - I know it's the "norm" for your generation, but I also think that is why you guy (not you specifically but people your age) SUCK at communicating with each other.
6. Stop BEATING yourself of and STOP reliving the drama that was a short stupid relationship. Trust me, there are better things on the horizon then a guy who rather play on his phone then interact with you.
7. Accept that it didn't work out. Then LET IT GO. WHO CARES what he thought of you, or thinks of you. You are no longer together. Screw him.
8. NEVER let a guy call your crazy or a drama queen, if you don't feel like you ACTUALLY did anything crazy or dramatic. That is a guys way to try and make you feel like YOU are wrong. He did that and well, it worked didn't it?
9. Listen to your friends, but TAKE what they say with a grain of salt. IF YOU didn't have a problem with him playing on his phone, why would you have to "discuss" it with him?
10. Let a relationship be organic. Let it grow and evolve. DO things together, have fun together, but also know that it is healthy for him to hang out with HIS friends and you with YOURS from time to time. Give each other a little breathing space. You are dating, not joined at the hip.
11. YOU are RESPONSIBLE for how you let others TREAT you and TALK to you. If your BF offend you, let him know it's NOT OK. And that actions have consequences. Not saying you should give him ultimatums or threaten him, but put your foot down and stand up for yourself.
12. Don't date for a while, but stop wallowing in "Woe is me, I sucked as a GF, no one will EVER date me phase or funk you are in now" Because the truth is you and your BF weren't compatible and you were both pretty immature (to be honest, I would have guessed your age to 16-17 not 22-25).
Living WITH regrets is POINTLESS. You can't go back in time and change a thing so why keep going over it and thinking if only I had done this or that? POINTLESS! LEARN from and don't do it again if you KNOW that it wasn't the smartest thing to do. THAT is how we all grow and mature, we learn lessons in life. Some are simple, others, not so much.
So all in all, was it all your fault? No. But it wasn't a healthy loving relationship either. It's better that it's over now then years of misery for both of you. You don't need a BF who puts you down, you need one to LIFT you up.
Chin up.
|
