A
female
age
36-40,
*narch
writes:My boyfriend and I have been having trouble with our relationship for about four months. We've been together for around 4 years. We care about each other very much, but sometimes I wonder if this is enough. There was an incident where he was dishonest with me, he didn't cheat, but I am unable to get over it. In my opinion it was a serious betrayal, and it has put a major strain on our relationship, causing me to be mistrustful of him, and causing many, many arguments. In these arguments, it seems that I am more aggressive, he rarely gets mad at me, and when I am frustrated I feel like we are doing the wrong thing by being together. But he doesn't want to let me go, and I too am afraid of letting go.On the other hand of the spectrum, when things are good, they are very good. We get along spectacularly, we laugh and feel very comfortable around each other, which is the MAJOR reason it's difficult to let go. If I cannot get over this betrayal, if there are things he does that do not live up to my expectations (He says that he is not good enough for me, but I am everything he has ever wanted), should we stay together simply because we care about each other?
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female
reader, Aunty Audrey  +, writes (11 May 2013):
 Yes, getting away and finding time to think away from distractions can really help clarify your thoughts and the direction you need to follow. Thanks for your follow up.
A
female
reader, Anarch +, writes (28 April 2013):
Anarch is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your responses. Aunty Audrey, truly I do think taking space from him might help, and yes it is true that he does have self esteem issues that I wish he would sort out.
But I too need courage to take space as we talk to each other every single day.
He has promised that he will change, he has sworn he will never lie again, and a part of me believes, another part doesn't want to, or just doesn't. I can say that it is all his fault that we can't get past my suspicions, but it is also my fault, because I am afraid of being hurt again.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (27 April 2013):
 If his betrayal is having this effect on your relationship, it might be better to leave him. Different people have different definitions of cheating. For me, emotional involvement with someone else is a form of cheating.
You've been together for four years, which is a long time, but four months is also a long time to have problems in a relationship. I have a friend who has been with her boyfriend for six years and they have rough patches that last for up to a year, where they're fighting and being jealous and checking each others phones. I wonder if it's worth it but she tells me that when it's good it's amazing.
Yes, things are good when they're good, but when they're bad, they're really bad and you're having a difficult time. Caring about each other or loving each other is never a reason to stay together.
Also, you say that he tells you he's not good enough. I find that a lot of people use that as an excuse. "Oh I'm sorry I lied, I'm a bad person who doesn't deserve you." Everybody has the potential to change. Instead of making excuses and putting himself down, he should be putting that behind him and working hard to become the kind of person who deserves to be with you. If you don't see any change in him then you do need to let go, however hard that is.
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A
female
reader, Aunty Audrey +, writes (27 April 2013):
I am very sorry that this tension has been continuing for 4 months as that would be emotionally draining. If it were not for the cheating I would just suggest you try doing a few more activities together to rebuild the trust between you. But it is bigger than that because he was dishonest with you. Sure he didn't cheat but he lied and that must have hurt you a lot and yes it was a serious betrayal. If you had not discovered the lie would he have revealed it? What other lies might he be hiding? I can see why you are rattled.
Would you consider taking a short holiday without him? That is not as confronting as telling him that you need some space and asking for a temporary separation. But a short holiday away might help you see what it feels like to not be interacting with him. See if it feels better or worse. See if he misses you or he is casual about it and just takes the short separation as no big deal.
A short holiday is not letting him go. It is an opportunity to enjoy some other activities and distractions so that you can think things through without his presence.
How sincere was his apology for lieing to you? Maybe that is part of the problem? Because in other ways it sounds like this relationship has a lot going on that is good. and that it is lieing issue that is unresolved. Has he ever explained his feelings, because perhaps he has a lot of built up guilt about the lieing.
How often do you tell me he is everything you ever wanted. Maybe he needs to hear that more often and in multiple variations of the same message.
But if he is shielding you from other lies then that could be why he feels he does not deserve you. Lieing to you might even be his way of sabotaging the relationship because he does not feel good enough for you. If that is his problem then together you can work on his self esteem issues, if he is to be your long term partner. you do seem very committed and caring towards him. Finding a person who cares about you and where you feel the same way is a really important factor to take into consideration.
Tell him the truth is more important than shielding you from the truth. But if he has apologised sincerly then accept his apology and do not keep on punishing him after you have accepted the apology. If you cannot do the latter then also consider some counselling to help you forgive him, if you are prepared to forgive him.
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