A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been in this long distance relationship for 16 months.... We started out that way so I have accepted the fact that we're thousand of miles apart and that is not a problem for me to handle. I believe that long distance relationship is like any other relationship. It's just harder given the circumstances, without the physical presence etc. But the problem is I can't accept the disconnection. I can't accept the complete absence of him and still convince myself that this is the relationship we are in.Well, he was clear from the beginning that he wants exclusivity.. and I know that we love each other and that he wants a future with me... so that part was clear.But it seems like our viewpoint on how to handle this is so fundamentally different. And the thing is he just decided to disappear and disconnect himself from me without considering how his actions would affect me or us..When we're apart (which is most of the time, we only saw each other twice in 16 months), he would distance himself from me. At first I would try to text him or talk to him online a few times a week. I would try to call him occasionally... But it's always been me who had to reach out.. with less and less response over time. After a while, I got tired of feeling like I have to chase after him for his love.. so I started doing that less and less. It is very confusing... I tried to be understanding of him and go along with what he wants (maintaining his distance) but his actions hurt me... I could never understand how he can love me and leave me like that.. So I tried to let go of him... pulled myself away. But once in while he would email saying how much he misses me and loves me and that he will be here soon... And there I go again.. couldn't let him go..I was so conflicted and confused... I thought once he's here things would be different, things would be better.And when he was finally here, it was the strangest feeling... I know I loved him but he felt like a stranger to me and I told him I had to get to know him again... while he was exactly the same where we left off... I can tell that he loves me just the same.... I told him I didn't like this on and off thing.. he said it was never off, that I was always with him. And that he's here now and we should make the most of our time when we're together. So I tried to let go of the past and focus on the fact that he's here right now. But deep down I still feel the resentment towards him for leaving me... So the time we were together, I tried to not feel too attached because I know he's gonna leave again. I was also a bit cold and distant... we would fight on silly things when I could have approached it differently. But with this feeling inside.. any little thing could turn into a big issue so I can be mad at him... and I don't think he knows what the real issue was. In fact I didn't even know about it myself until recently. This is all in retrospect...He said he has accepted the fact that we're living apart right now so he has accepted the situation because it's the only way if we want this relationship to grow... But how can this relationship grow when what he's doing makes me feel so unloved, uncared for, and forgotten?!! I hate him for doing this... I hate him for leaving me... How can I tell him that? That I hate him for leaving me here all alone and ignoring me and not being there for me in good times or bad times. That I hate him for making me wait while he was gone and didn't want anything to do with me... That I hate that he came back and expect everything to be just fine... Yes, now we're apart again and things are back to the way they were before... I just want a normal relationship... I need consistency. I need his presence. I want the communication, connection. I want his time, his attention, his love. I want us to be there for each other. I want everything that should be in a relationship. I mean am I not normal here to ask for this? Why doesn't he want the same from me? I don't even need to stay in touch every day. I'm not the needy and clingy type.. at least I think I'm not... But I need to feel the connection.... It's not ok for him to disappear for months and come back like it's nothing. I can't deal with this on and off thing. We're supposed to be in this together... but we're so disconnected that I don't see a place for me in his life... I have been dealing with this problem for over a year and I don't know how to fix it.... this is really affecting me.. I don't know how to approach this... I don't know how to communicate this to him... But I know that something has got to change..one way or the other. Because I cannot go on like this... But I don't really know what to do now.....
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2009): LDR is a tough one. My situation is frustrating as well. A person I care about has disappeared and I really don't know what to do. It's so hard to get over a person who did not manage to explain his oponion on our relationship. He disappeared silently. And it's killing me inside.
I guess you should be ready for LDR to be within it because if not it's getting tougher with every single day of not seeing the person you are willing to be close to. You are not asking too much. You need attention and support - that's natural. I hope your situation will be clear for you and you will manage to make up your mind what you really want (whether fight for your LDR or get over) as soon as possible.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 May 2009): Long Distance Relationships are far from easy. For more advice about it I suggest you check http://www.waiit.com the Long Distance Relationships community website.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 May 2009): I kinda know how you feel, I am currently in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend of 8 months and it's so difficult sometimes cos the emotions change as over time you can become detached from each other and without comstant bonding it becomes hard to communicate and feel the same thing all the time. When we see other I feel like I can't get too attached to him cos I know it won't last for long till we part again. I guess some long distance relationships work but you just have to keep fighting for it like I am but I don't know much longer I can cope with the constant heartache I get from not seeing him. Anyways good luck!
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