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male
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anonymous
writes: About ten months ago I started dating my girlfriend.When she asked me about past relationships and why I hadn't had a long term girlfriend or very many girlfriends, I said that I wasn't attracted to them.But that was a lie. I was afraid and felt that I wasn't allowed to be attracted to anyone in the past.This is mainly because she is very jealous and gets quite worked up over the topic. We have had many discussions about it since then, but I still feel unable to tell her the truth. She says that if she ever finds out that I was attracted to anyone else in the past, she'll leave me.I feel terrible about this. What should I do?
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female
reader, Bev Conolly  +, writes (18 November 2005):
 Beware of any relationship that's so fragile that the truth could kill it.
Of *course* you've had attractions to other girls and women in the past. You'd have to be an automaton - or gay - if you didn't! What kind of rubbish and lies is your girlfriend insisting on? She wants you to pretend that she's the ONLY WOMAN in the world and that you never thought about a woman before she arrived on the scene... is that it? Puh-leeeese! Did she never have a boyfriend, ever, before you two met?
I think you deserve a medal already for spending 10 months tippy-toeing around a woman who's so insecure and irrationally jealous that you can't tell her about your past without her threatening to leave. Honestly. Think about this: she's afraid of what happened in your *past*. What would be her ideal... that you go back and change your history? Then she says she'll leave you if you admit to something that you can't change? That's just ridiculous.
Hon, if I were you, she'd be eating my dust. Personally, I can't bear manipulation and threats, especially from someone who claims it's because of their love. No. Someone who really loves you, trusts you and feels confident in your love for them. The way this woman is acting is only going to get worse if you continue to pretend.
She really, seriously needs some professional intervention, so that she can learn to deal with the fact that people - even those in loving relationships - can have superficial attractions to others without betraying their partners' trust.
Right now, she's holding you to ransom and insisting that you continue to lie to keep her happy. Ask yourself how long you're prepared to keep playing her mind games. Forever?
If not, you need to have a nice long talk, and point out that you're a normal man, with a normal history, and yes, whether she likes your past or not, you've liked - even loved - other women. Just as you expect that she has. Then you should point out that she, too, has a history and that history doesn't bother you.
If she's not strong enough to deal with that fundamental truth, then give her a little kiss on the forehead and let her go and find herself a, perfect, straight boyfriend who has never so much as lusted briefly after a strange woman on a street corner. And good luck to her.
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