A
male
age
41-50,
*ave2012
writes:Hi,I am a 31 year old male and still have not had my first kiss. No matter what I do, however many social clubs I've joined, all the internet daing sites I've tried etc, I can't even find any potential girlfriends. Virtually no single girls seem to exist out there, and the few who do (in my experience only those on daing sites) quickly lose interest in me, however funny, original and genuine I try to portray myself. I'm not behaving too needy or desperate, I'm seriously monitoring my intensity of interaction with these people. Nor am I only going for the most attractive women, at all! Many of the women I contact are average or less, and they still lose interest! I don't know what's going on, this feels like a curse, and I am practically at the end of my rope. I've been through numerous forms of therapy, and nothing works.I really don't know what to do anymore. I can't even appreciate life until I manage to accomplish a relationship, because it all seems meaningless in comparison.Could it just be something to do with my worldview or my attitude?Does anyone have any suggestions?
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2010): A relationship is not an accomplishment. You will need to learn to appreciate life & not base your existence or happiness on a relationship that hasn't come your way yet. It will. I can promise you that. Put your efforts into building a better person emotionally & physically & relax on the girl thing for now. Woman are attracted to life experience, confidence & independence. If your happy in your single life, it will show & woman will pick up on that & ask you why a great guy like yourself is still single? Then you can tell them this: Three other girls asked me that same question this week but for for some reason it means more to me when you ask it... :) Be sincere & honest always. Make a woman feel special. Woman act differently when there is a mention of competition between other woman.
There are plenty of single girls are out there. Your just not attracting there interest or getting into their psyche. I suggest meeting them in places that you like to go to so that there is more of a chance to instantly have things in common with them. It makes sense, right?
Let me ask you this:
How many girls do have that are just your friend only? Girls that are just friends (especially the hot ones) can help build your confidence because you will start to get comfortable being around them & talking to them. Other woman will pick up on this & notice that your easy to be around. Make friends with the hot ones & ask them the questions you need answers too.
Do girls ever think your gay? If they do, ask them why they thought that & change accordingly. Unless of course they are attracted to that.
Do you like yourself & who you are as a person? It's that old story, if you love yourself first, others will follow suit.
Ok, here are the secrets to building attraction. I know this because I have been following these rules for sometime & I haven't had any problems since.
First: What do you look like? Are you well groomed? Do you smell good? Are your shoes nice. All those things are important. Especially the shoes. Get a styled haircut. Your confidence starts here.
Second: Stop being a wimp. You are being too desperate. What I mean is don't kiss up to a woman. Be yourself & share your opinions. Be a little cocky/funny but not an a hole & show her who you are vs something that your not. Explore her world by showing real interest in her life. Ask many questions & build the conversation up from there. Be her friend but don't mention the friend word at first. She will put you in the friend category if you mention it. Hang out is a much better word.
Third: Be unique & do something that no other guy has ever done before. I took a girls song, remixed it, added some additional parts & sent it back to her as a gift. It cost me nothing & she flipped out. I could have looked like the elephant man but in her heart I was #1.
Fourth: Always end your emails or chat with a question so that there is still a chance to continue trying to build chemistry.
Fifth: Playful reverse psychology. Be original & funny. I told a girl once that if she was a stalker, I wouldn't be able to consider giving my her my number. I then said I better play it safe & get yours. She laughed & gave me her number.
Sixth: Body Language: Do not sway, fidget with your hands or hesitate when talking to woman. Read up on body language. It's one of the most important things to know when first talking to a woman. It's pretty much make or break in that first meet. She knows within 1 second of looking at your body language if your potential boyfriend material.
The best place I've met woman are at thrift stores. I can't tell you how easy it is to meet them there.
One last bit of advice. Do not ever ask for a kiss. Use the force luke & your instinct & just go in & plant a nice sensitive soft one on her lips if the mood & chemistry feels right. She will move her head inward to meet yours if she feels it too & will like that you made the move. She will back away if she does not feel the same but don't get hurt over it. It just life sometimes.
Remember that if you feel sexy, you are. If you feel confident, you are. It's as simple as feeling it & things will start to fall in place for you.
Good luck champ!
A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb  +, writes (27 May 2010):
 You know, that is very interesting, Cerberus - also very true!
As I said before, hadn't had a kiss since I was 13 - my last boyfriend. After spending years in school trying to find love, after I graduated college, I just gave up looking and decided to be content with my life and hope love would find me. I am now in love with the greatest man in the world and when I walk to eat or something, I'm getting more attention to strangers; something I never got while I was looking for love. I wondered for the longest time why that was until I realized that being in love with this man has made me abundantly happy and I guess it looks attractive to others.
So to the OP, just be yourself, don't try so hard and enjoy life! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 May 2010): You know what's funny about life OP, it's when you stop looking for women they seem to just appear in your life.
That's kinda what happens all the time, I was single for years before my current girlfriend and she appeared in my life at a time when I was thoroughly happy and satisfied both with myself and being single. After reading your question I had a chat with her about why that is.
She said that for her when it came to me specifically she wasn't initially knocked off her feet by my looks but I seemed to be confident and happy with my life and who I was. She found this to be a very attractive quality in the sense that it made her interested in finding out why this was and who I was. Most importantly for her though was that I never gave her the impression that I was talking to her or any girl with any romantic intention I treated everyone the same and was always myself, I never seemed to be trying to impress anyone.
She said this made her and the other girls in our social group feel comfortable around me this made it easy for her to get to know me and become attracted to me.
As the other posters have mentioned women can sense desperation, it's obvious from the way a person acts around girls that they are this way and it more often than not makes girls weary of such guys. It's hard to get to know someone if you can sense they view you as a potential partner that kind of behaviour makes people put up their guard even if they are attracted to you, trying too hard is a huge turn off.
Learn to love yourself and learn to be truly happy on your own, stop looking so hard for love and just let things happen naturally. Treat every woman as a potential friend and nothing more, you'll soon find that they like spending time with you and then when things start to happen.
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A
female
reader, Nelsiwe  +, writes (27 May 2010):
Don't worry u are not alone in that.I have a problem of dumped by the people i love,now i'm single and i'm used to it,so dont be hard on ur self true love will one day.dont rush things ur time will come.
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A
female
reader, MonksDaBomb +, writes (27 May 2010):
You're trying too hard - I'm willing to bet you go to these clubs and social gatherings TRYING to get your first kiss or a potential gf. Just go there to have fun and don't think about love. Love comes when you least expect it. I am almost 27 years old and have only had one kiss - and that was when I was 13! Just relax and let yourself loose and have fun :)
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