A
male
age
41-50,
*axed out
writes:Hello everyone - i guess we are all here with our own problems and dilemmas. I wish that everyone will overcome their hard feelings but we all know that it is impossible for all to do so. Anyhow we are here to help each other - and writing is a great way to heal.Well I am really confused and I feel like I am being eaten from the inside out - my brain is in overdrive! Please honestly give me sound advice no matter if it hurts as I need to rest these demons. Around 7 weeks ago me and my partner broke up - it was a mutual decision! The reason being that I was feeling pressured from her to have a child.I was not feeling 100% ready to commit - there were many reasons why. Besides the normal stuff that we frett about in relationships there were many other things that were bothering me I was trying to do everything to make her happy and give her what she wanted. I needed some more time but time was somthing she did not have as she is 40 yrs old this year she never had kids either. So it seems like my sub conscuios mind was instigating me trying to break off.Selfishly enough I started to feel like I was not aattracted to her as much;many things on how she looked bothered me.I was feeling insecure scared etc etc I was obsessing with all this also and felt stressed on what we should do. We had a great time together we really loved each other and we felt comfortable together. There were a few issues but no relationship is perfect! The reason we broke off is because we were having arguments that stemmed from the pressure I was felling and me not being ready to commit NOW then. I always thought that in a year it would be different.Well we broke up - I thought at the time it was good for her to go and find someone so I dont waste more of her time - it hurt us but we said its better. After we broke off I started having doubts if it was the right decision or not ..... and the vicous circle started.I asked myself .... was I stupid to loose such a woman. Will i ever find someone like her. Was it a mistake etc etc ....after a week she sent me an email saying that she met someone and that she feels great with him. This killed me!Some jelousy anger and all emotions overwhelmed me. More questions .....how come? How is it possible? Why what etc etc I am still in pain at the moment but doing better as i am reprogramming myself with positive thoughts etc etc but still there are times that I get really down and still wonder if i did the right thing - if I lost the woman of my dreams because I was scared etc etc Was I a chicken!? She seemed to have moved on but I cant the demons seem like they are here to stay for a while. This is the viciuos circle i am in - what are your thoughts on this please.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, maxed out +, writes (8 May 2010):
maxed out is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really would like to thank you - for your kind words.I am feeling the demons leaving me everyday that passes...you all gave me something to grasp onto...as I felt like I was drowning in my doubts. I do feel reassured that I made the best decision - thats what I felt children are a massive responsability and it would not be fair on them if I did it because of pressure.
I wish you all the very best
love and peace
A
male
reader, maxed out +, writes (8 May 2010):
maxed out is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your answers - I totally agree with what you say. aybe I did clear it out but I did send her and give her the freedom that she needed and even I did see some red as you put it but I also gave her my love with that also.I believe taht what ever appens to us good or bad accept it and wrap it in with love. What ever it is we will feel better if we do so!
I am having doubts in my own head sometimes whether I did the right decision to leave her go! Our relationship was good we loved each other we gave alot.
I keep thinking that I maybe lost a soul mate! I am never going to find anyone like her etc etc. All I want to do is to stop my brain thinking as it is. One question that keeps on coming to me is this - maybe you guys can see better into it. if there were all these hiccups etc and we did get bac to gether again would those issues have come up again and made us break up a second time?
I thank you all and wish you the best
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 May 2010): hi i understand how u feel the thing is if she really loved you she would have understood you were not ready to comit to having a child if she has moved on be happy for her but the thing you have to remeber is the happy times with her and tell yourself it wasnt your fault because children r a massive responsibility and you were right to do what you did dont worry you will start to feel the demons will go away
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A
female
reader, raiders  +, writes (7 May 2010):
 You are being a man and sadly buy true most man are scare of a committed relationship, they worry to much of being a father, having a wife, having responsibility. The truth is that she wanted a family and you were unable to give her that and the best thing you could have done was to give her back her freedom. She moved on I wish her the best and that she achieves that pleasure of life she wants so much to become a mommy and a wife. As for you, you shouldn't feel bad over this decision because if she achieves it, its because you step aside. You cannot force yourself to be in a relationship when you are not ready..because if you were ready you would not have hesitated. It could be that you feel a little down because she was able to find someone else and was able to move on.You yourself will be ready one day and when cupid points that arrow and actually hit you with it than you will do whatever it takes to be with your love and you will be ready for a relationship, a commitment, children, marriage, the whole nine yards. But remember you can't force love, and you might feel bad right now but it could be your hurt ego. Be happy for her.
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A
female
reader, rainbowmaker  +, writes (7 May 2010):
 Well...being a wee bit younger i hope you dont feel like your getting advice from someone who "hasn't got a clue" but...just wanted to tell you what i thought of your letter.I think it's really quite normal especially for a man to have issues wth commitment. Even for me when i started my relationship with my now fiance i was sooo scared to "let him in" moving in scared me, marriage scared me, and dont even get me started on the kids thing! I was terrified of commitment! Now of course its a different story! The problem is, natuarlly when we break up with someone and they find someone new, someone who offers something we were scared to give, we tend to feel a bit of as failure and feel jealous of what they now share that WE couldnt give them. Does that make sense? The question isnt so much how you feel towards you ex (as we seem to have established that you love and care for her deeply) But how you feel about committing yourself to her or any other relationship.Ok, so she's found someone else and this makes you see red. Your thinking of what you had and maybe could have had in the future but what you have to do is sit and think about wether its her you miss or the opportunity to settle dowm and have a family. maybe its both?Once you figure out what it is then you can start to take a step forward and be happy again. if you want her and the whole package i suggest you get down on your hands and knees and explain, if its just her you miss then i guessyou accept she's found someone else and start the healing proccess on your own.things WILL get better either way.....i wish you the best of luck!
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