A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 18 years and together with my wife for 21. We have three great kids aged from 10-16. My wife is a wonderful person who loves me unconditionally. The problem is that I truly am not in love with her anymore. I care about her tremendously and love aspects about her but for the better part of two years, my desire to share my time with her has diminished almost completely. When we aren't together I don't miss her. I have basically zero desire for her sexually and our tender, intimate moments have been few and far between. Now this is a one way street as she feels as she always has about me so it makes this all so much more difficult. We have gone to counseling, had heart to hearts and I/we have truly tried but I really feel like I do not want to spend the rest of my life with her.....the dilemma is that a family would be breaking up and that is tragic and I am petrified about what it will do to the kids and to be honest both her and myself as well. I do though think that she deserves back what she puts into the relationship and I cannot give her that. I also need to feel like I have a mate that is all a mate should be (best friends, lovers, confidants, partners in all ways). We are at a crossroad in our lives and I/we need to decide what to do. I can honestly say one thing...if there were no children then I would have already left. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009): same here my friend,when she asks what is wrong answer is nothing.Those love sessions are getting shorter and shorter.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 January 2009): Is it the passion feeling that one has for their mate missing? Do you crave to be passionate with someone other than your wife because your so use to the way she is that it's not spontaneous anymore? Either your going through a mid life crisis or your not in love with your wife anymore. Do what makes you happy. But think about the happiness of your children too...are they old enough to understand that love isn't forever between man and wife and that it's not their fault..think about the values you are setting for your children..but don't lie to yourself either. It's hard, I know, because I'm going through the same thing with my husband for 8 years and two kids.. I love him but not in love...anymore...So sorry if I didn't make it easier. it isn't what it seems until you lose the one things that keeps you together ,happy and satisfied..in other words...you don't realize what you had until you lose it. As for me, I just want to be alone with my kids but don't have the heart to hurt him.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2008): I can feel your pain, this is what is called male menopause, I went thru this for approx 10 years, (42 to 52)
I am blessed to have a very understanding wife who understood what I was going thru and let me search for my lost youth thru this time,i bought the motorcycle and went on solo trips which helped clear my head, i went on vacations with friends and alone and enjoyed all of it.all of my travels were short periods of time but was very helpful.thru it all I never cheated,but I can't say that i was not tempted.then one day i saw the wife that I have and my children and grandchildren and saw how life has evovled and accepted it and now enjoy every moment now and so will you,Hang in there it wil get better,talk to your wife and let her know how you are feeling and take a
little time out for yourself. she most likely will be glad to get rid of you at times so she does not to have to hear you complain.
Good Luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): There are many forms of love. There is the mad passion that you feel when you first meet someone new and there is the comfortable love that comes after many years. No relationship is perfect and as we get older and experience friends passing away and moving on in their relationships we come to re-evaluate our lives.
You say that your wife is a wonderful person - why not try and regain some common ground and try and make her your best friend. It does sound as though you've met someone else who may at the moment fulfil all your needs. What happens many years down the line when you realise that she no longer meets what you're looking for? Will you then regret leaving your wife and children for a relationship that will probably end up no better than your current marriage.
You have some soul searching to do but it is never wise to leave a marriage with the hope of a happy ending in another direction - you may end up single and miserable or in a relationship that leaves you pining for the woman you have spent the last 21 years with.
Don't make any hasty decisions - take time and try and rebuild the love. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 July 2008): 21 years is a long time to spend with one woman, that's a lot of memories and lot of shared happiness and pain, that is nearly a quarter of your life you've been together. You also have 3 children that you both love. You present as 41-50years (overage) and currently living in the USA.
You now have fallen out of love with your wife, you find yourself trying to avoid her and your marriage bed. This situation is not good. She must know something is wrong, this must be hurting her as well. You said you went to counselling, was that recently? What problems were you having in your marriage so that you needed some help? You've both tried, but what is the main problem that you both have? Is it your lack of love for her or something else?
You say your wife is a wonderfull women, you care about her and love things about her. Is this not a form of love. Why then can't she be your mate, best friends, confidant, and partners. She's probably one of the closest people to you in the whole world and she knows all your habits, just the way you know hers.
You say you've felt like this for two years? How did you feel about her before that? What happened two years ago to make you feel differently towards her? I can't be that you married the wrong woman, you've had 21years to find out that, what has gone wrong with your marriage?
You can't bear to spend the rest of your life with her, is there somebody you prefer to be with instead. Have you met someone else, or do you hope to be a single man looking for the perfect mate. As you know marriages often have rough patches after several years, and couples who marry young can often feel like life is passing them by, are you feeling like this, or is it really a case of you can no longer stand living with your wife.
Please think this thing over. We would all love if you could update and give us further information about some of the questions we have asked here. It is a very stressfull thing to leave a wife and kids after so many years. You will be financially worse off, you will have to find somewhere else to live, you will have to learn to be single again, when many of the people arround you are married or are part of a couple. You may leave your wife and never find this perfect partner you seek, you may find yourself lonely and alone, and may come to regret your decision.
Please update, it would be intresting to know why your marriage is breaking down and why you have fallen out of love with your wife. Like Trish has said, is there anything that she could do, could she change to make you happy. Unfortunately there are too many questions outstanding to offer you usefull advice. Ultimately the choice is yours to make. You only have one life and you (and your wife) deserve some happiness, but will that be with her or without her. Take care of you, I wish you well.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): Would you be happier alone? I agree with the rest of the posts that it probably has more to do with you than the relationship. Is there anything specific about her that makes your life miserable? Does she not support you? Is she too different?
I would give it another chance. Maybe go to counseling on your own, and maybe take a trip or something to figure out what it is you feel is missing in your life.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 July 2008): What is missing in your relationship?Here's a kind of checklist, with some suggestions for their solutions1. Has she stopped surprising you? Is her conversation boring?Answer: Do new things with her, like taking classes, traveling to foreign countries, training for a marathon together, joining a book club. In a new environment, new facets of your wife (and you) will come to light.2. Is she not attractive enough anymore? Answer: The spa idea is a good one. Getting joint memberships in a gym is an idea too. 3. Have you gotten used to her face or sexual style? Answer: how about giving her a gift of money to junk her old wardrobe and buy a whole new one, maybe even dye her hair another color? How about roleplaying where you both try out new looks and personalities? Also, see a sex therapist or get a bunch of sex manuals for new ideas (not porn, which may dull your appetite and give you unrealistic expectations.) 4. Does she have habits that annoy you? (an embarrassing laugh, fake phone voice, leaves underwear in the bath)Answer: help her get rid of these habits one at a time.5. Finally, how many hours a week do you spend a week just talking to each other or doing fun things together, that are not related to children or the household? If you're spending under an average of 2 hours a day (or 14-15 hours a week) interacting positively with your wife, you can't expect to stay in love with her. If you've done all these things, please let us know and we'll brainstorm some more. 99% of marriages seem to go through this. Some people learn how to make love stay, others don't, hoping that a new partner will bring back love. But jumping from person to person isn't a recipe for happiness. Hang in there and give it another good shot!
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A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (11 July 2008):
 The spot you are at is called mid life crisis. Without even realizing it, you have it all. You are bored, not out of love. You need to rekindle what is missing. This happens to many people. You have arrived at the point where the umbrella that covers your relationship with your wife,your family and your world should bring comfort. Do not mistake that with not being in love. You have reached the point of unconditional love. You are just tired of the "sameness" of it all. Do not mistake it for not loving. It is just that you feel a lack of something new. New is not always better. We need to be constantly reinventing the wheel when it comes to marriage. There is no magic wand to wave. She is the same old person day in and day out. So are you though. Often we forget to dote on each other and become resentful. Try to find what is missing in you. It might be something easy to fix.
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female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (10 July 2008):
 Sorry, I'm not quite understanding what she is missing in your equation for a happy marriage. It sounds like you are at the crossroads, and she is not. What is it that is lacking that counseling did not cover?
Best friends?
Lovers?
Confidants?
Partners in all ways?
Is it that she has stagnated and has become frumpy and boring? And you don't want to be tied to a woman who is not moving along with you and keeps up with you intellectually?
Look, I don't have children, so I know nothing about how taking care of them changes a marriage or a woman who is responsible for their welfare. But I do know that a woman of a certain age may lose her appeal to her man if she isn't keeping up with him in personal growth and physical maintenance. And I also think that a man of a certain age may find himself bored by the woman he worshipped and adored when he married her because she no longer excites his passions.
You said you've done the counseling, you've had the heart to hearts. Be honest now, what is it that she has not done to make this better? Is she really overweight? Is she really boring?
Again, I don't have any children, so I'm not really in a position to advise on this. But I have a wild suggestion for you. You book the best spa you can afford for her for two entire weeks. She gets to go and have her body tended, she loses some weight and builds some muscle, she relaxes and improves her mind and her spirits. You take care of the kids for those two weeks. I know, it will be inconvenient. But it's only for two weeks, surely you can manage that?
Then after those two weeks, and another week after your wife gets home from this fabulous spa, and hasn't had to wash dishes or vacuum or pick up after you and the kids for another week, you're still doing that, you come back here and ask this question again.
Honestly, is it possible that you are going through a midlife crisis? Or has she stopped taking care of herself because she does not feel valued or desired by you or the family?
Again, I don't have children, but if I felt my husband was slipping away from me because of something I wasn't doing or could be doing, I'd be all over that like white on rice. But if he didn't tell me that, I wouldn't know and couldn't change what I was doing. And if I had children and all the responsibilities for taking care of them, and didn't have a chance to improve myself, I sure would feel taken advantage of by a man who I'd given my all to.
So tell me, why did you marry her in the first place?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): The grass is always greener on the other side? No it isnt once the initial honeymoon is over. if you have a good wife I would stick with it becasue you dont know what youd be getting into next. It seems everyones life gets boring at some stage and they think they do not love their partners any more-but it sounds as if you need to talk it over with your wife and see if she can cope with having a husband who no longer loves her. But be careful about giving soemthing good up!!!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 July 2008): You either leave or you don't, it's your call. Ain't no guarantees either way. Personally i'd stick it out till the youngest was eighteen, but thats just me.
Good luck
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