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female
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anonymous
writes:I need advice about how to deal with my boyfriends past. He was open when we met about his past sex life and there has been a lot of girls. This didn't bother me at first but, like it has with exes, it soon got out of control the more I fell in love with himI am obsessed with who he's slept with and when we see someone he's been with, I'm nasty to him and go in a mood with him for days, even though he didn't even know me then!! I just can't bear the thought of him sharing something so amazing with anyone else at any time in his life, especilly not when I have to see the girls all the time. I found out the other night that a girl in the pub we were in was someone he'd slept with when we were seeing each other (we weren't a proper couple, I was still with my ex). I was so into him for ages before we got together and thought he felt the same. I based a lot of our relationship on this time we secretly shared and now it seems he wasn't bothered about me, he was out being his normal self, sleeping with everything that moved.I don't want to be that pathetic, protective, clingy girlfriend who is suffocating and annoying whenever another girl is around but I can't cope with seeing other girls he's been with. And let's face it, it's near enough every other girl we see!! I love him and don't want to lose him but why am I like this? I trust him completely, I just hate the fact that he's slept with so many people before me and torture myself whenever we see one of them by picturing it all the time. I don't sleep at all and go on at him for days!!! I don't want to lose him, please help.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2005): my bf has slept with lots of people in his past, i was not very happy when he told me about this but i did not get jealous about it or dewl about it. i can understand having them in the same city/town as you 2 can be very akward but your bf should have really kept his sex life from the past to himself,but the past is the past and maybe just try focuss on whats going on now, maybe take up some hobbies or something to try focuss your thoughs on that instead of your bf's past sex life, i do think nagging and bugging him bout it will make the relationship fall about it you dont see some help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2005): If you stay with this kind of man, your doomed for misery the rest of your life. But if you dont care about his promiscuity then, it still doesnt guarantee that he will one day keep you or dump you. The choice is yours, next time choose who to fall in love and sometimes it doesnt work that way, buy at least weigh the matters. If he marries you, it doesnt mean that it will go away, thats his lifestyle and its hard to change, unless he is willing to change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2005): You are not pathetic-you are unsure, scared and uncertain of a future with this guy. I would be too. You have seen a portion of his core values and character that is quite questionable and it's making you feel uneasy. How does a man have so many consecutive, sexual intimacies with other women.. and then pledge commitment and fidelity to you? We all hear how some men (not all)are able to have no strings sex with no need of any emotional attachments in their past. As a result their behaviors, emotional maturity, or attitudes about women should be addressed and considered. If he was promiscuous, then there is a huge disconnection here between emotions, sexuality and a moral foundation. This could be really behind with what's bothering you. If it isn't-I would think about it. Although, he's deserving of a healthy loving relationship, he made the error of regaling his past conquests to you. Who, what, where and how..were not necessary. I wonder why he felt you should know this? Basically, for health reasons, you did need to know he's been with many women..so just a number should have sufficed. Which brings me to another crucial issue. Women can lose their reproductive capabilities when having sex with men who have had so many partners. Silent sexually transmitted diseases can cause Pelvic Inflammatory Disease and sterility. Has he ever had a complete venereal workup as well as HIV tests. It doesn't matter if practiced safe sex and he was protected. Protect your future and have him do it, anyway. But I do think you are stuck in a tough spot. You will need to detach yourself totally, from his past and move forward if this relationship and him..are important to you and you want to make this work. It's up to you..everyone can change-work hard at this. Good luck and take care
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male
reader, kakaman  +, writes (14 December 2005):
I have had this same problem. I actually posted a question about it on here. I've had some time to think about it and I have even gone to counseling for it. It has helped a lot and I reccommend that you try counseling. You sound exactly like I was five months ago. It will get better with time, trust me. In the mean time maybe you should let him know that seeing all his old flames is making you fall apart with the feeling you have been betrayed. I know it is difficult to go out because you will most likely run into "the past" so maybe you both should try new things in a different place. Nothing like forgetting the past by creating a new future. I was in pain for months knowing that my girlfriend had slept with so many guys in such a short period of time, but I came to realize it was a test of some sorts. If you really love the person you have to love every part of them including the past. If you cannot then maybe they aren't what you are looking for. This doesn't mean you have to meet or like they people they have had a past with. Also remember that something didn't work out with those past relationships that may be working out with the one you both are in now. Don't distance him by starting fights or getting into a bad mood because you may just be loosing a good thing. Try to understand why he did what he did and try not to lose respect for him either. This is all based on the assumption that he is a good guy and he treats you well.It could be a lot different if he isn't.
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