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Married at 20 years old and I'm not happy...did I marry too young?

Tagged as: Marriage problems<< Previous question   Next question >>
Question - (14 December 2005) 9 Answers - (Newest, 11 April 2008)
A female , *tacey nutthall writes:

hi. i got marrried 8 months ago at the age of 20. now i can't help but wonder if i made a mistake. i know that my husband loves me and i love him, but not in the same way. we recently moved and i began an affaire with someone we both worked with. now i'm afraid that i love this other man more than my husband. i ended the affair and my husband has no idea that it happened. i knew it would hurt him so much if he knew, but i don't think i want to stay married to him. i really don't want to hurt my husband but i don't want to be unhappy for the rest of my life either. this is wearing me down and i was recently diagnosed with depression. my husband knows that i'm not as happy as i should be but wants us to work things out. this other man loves me as much as i love him. i feel like two people living one life. i don't want to hurt my husband if i don't have to but i don't know what to do. please help.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (11 April 2008):

what God yoke together let not men seperate it.In the first place ask yourself what made you love him i mean your husband.Also remember its not fair to do this to him he needs to know the truth,it will hurt him more from the monthof someone else.

My last advice remember you will reap what you sow.Don't sow bad for your husband.Else if you do this to him then it will happen to you and it will hurt more for you

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2008):

i just got married at 20 years old too. i love my husband with all my heart but i had to move anyway and give up everything. i used to think happiness is to be in love with someone but happiness is within you. make sure your happy with yourself before you try to make someone else happy.

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A female reader, Orange_Blossom Canada +, writes (24 September 2007):

Orange_Blossom agony auntIf you're not happy with the person you have been married to fo 20 years, this means communication needs to be brought into the equation. This does not mean you married too young. Take a moment to think about a few things in your relationship. You could also make a pros and con list. Ask yourself why you married this person to begin with. Do you still see any glimpse of this. Are you genuinely still in love with this person? What is it about your spouse that makes you smile when no one is around? If you've had an affair, ask yourself why. Reflection helps to find your center. What is it about this new person that attracts you. Is it the way it reminds you of the old times with your spouse, or is the newness more attractive. Be honest with yourself and the one you're married to. The best way to find out how you really feel is by talking to your spouse openly about your feelings, and the recent or, long time thoughts. This worked for my husband and I. I was at one point convinced we could never go back to where we were or improve for our future. But we did. Now, our relationship is even more stronger. I am so much happier than I previously was. Please keep my advice in mind. I'll be praying for you. I really hope things work out between the two of you. Good luck!

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (5 August 2007):

I just got married and i'm also 20 years old, and the only thing I have to say is that you probably did get married too soon. Its a relly short life though i'm sure it feels longer, if your not happy then don't play pretend you'll end up hurting your "husband" and yourself. You've already damaged your marriage and it will effect you for as long as your married. Where there's no trust and no loyalty there is no love. Think about someone else for a change, you obviously had this other guy because you dont care for your "husband" so why not let him find a GOOD person to be with.

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A female reader, anonymous, writes (4 March 2007):

i think you posted this looking for the answers you want to hear. be responsible. be proactive. i guarentee that you leaving your husband for this guy, will not make you happier in the long run. its about you being the right person, not finding the right person. that only happens in the movies.

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A female reader, stacey nutthall +, writes (17 December 2005):

Hi. I just wanted to say thankyou to all the people that gave their advice on my problem. It's really helped alot!!!!! Thankyou all xxxx

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A male reader, kakaman United States +, writes (14 December 2005):

I agree with the answer above. You are going to have to be selfish in this situation. If you end up sacrificing your happiness for another's all you are going to do is resent that person because it will feel very one-sided. You are going to have to go with what makes you happy but try to let the other person down gently. Really do some soul searching on who you love the most and make sure they love you in return. You could be losing the one that would love you with absolute loyalty to the one who would keep you around until the next best thing happened along.

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A reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2005):

I can totally see where you are coming from. I am in the same situation, I'm 24 married for 2 years with one son. I have the same awful feeling that I may have married the wrong person and divorce is such a dirty word where I come from even though 50% of marriages end in divorce. I am in love with someone else and he loves me but at the time I got married I didn't know this. I only found out later after the wedding how this other guy really felt. My husband and I got got married before a lot of people found out including this other guy. I am not happy where I am and I want out. But you marry one person and divorce another. If you decided to leave your husband, be prepared. Get together all important documents and make copies and start putting money away because when your husband finds out about another guy, he definitely won't be the guy you married. If you decide to stay with your husband, get into couples counseling and do what you can to distance yourself from the other guy after you explain to him that you are going to try to make your marriage work. Someone will be hurt no matter which you choose, you've just got to decide which would hurt you more. You've got to be a little selfish. Good Luck.

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A female reader, xxxsoulsistaxxx United Kingdom +, writes (14 December 2005):

xxxsoulsistaxxx agony auntWe all make decisions in life, some turn out ok and others seem to be a complete mistake and we can't believe we ever dreamt of doing what we did. However, life is too short to be unhappy and I think you need to follow your heart.

People always get hurt when it comes to love, things are never straightforward but you have to think about your happiness. He'll get over it, whoever you don't choose, no matter how hard it will seem at first.

I know you care about them and don't want anyone to get hurt but sometimes, you've just got to be selfish and say 'i want to be happy', take a risk and live with the consequences. 20 is very young and very few people will have met the person they will spend the rest of their lives with by this age. But that doesn't mean your life is over; you have to bite the bullet and make a decision. You can't punish everyone involved for the rest of your lives. Good luck and I hope you make the right decision.

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