A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have a question to anyone who can help my situation. I am 38, I have 3 beautiful daughters. I am no longer married to there dad. About 2 years ago I got back with my highschool sweetheart,we were engaged in highschool, but his parents thought he was to young to get married and made him break up with me. 20 years later we got back together and fell in love and got married. Even though 20 years had passed I never got him off my mind. I am now 4 months pregant. I recently quit my job so now I stay at home. To make a long story short, one week after we got married he started telling me where my place is as a woman, He told how it was my place to keep the house, cook, and to keep my mouth shut. If I disagree with anything he says, or he dont agree with what I say it starts a agrument. He tells me I shouldnt talk back to him. He yells at me and wont let anything go. He always threatens to leave. The agruments arent over anything, I ask him to go to the store for me and he went off. I mean went off. He didnt want to so he decided to blow up. He called me every name he could think of while yelling in my face, and telling me how stupid I am. As long as I go along with everything he wants and dont ask him for anything everything is great. He has the worst temper I have ever seen. I cant put into words how bad it is, and how stupid the agruments are. He says things to me when he gets mad that I wouldnt say to someone I disliked. He also has me over a barrel, My car tore up so I am driving his. He takes it from me when he gets mad. He convinced me to put him on the deed to my house and get a morgage so he could build a garage and pay off his cars. He complains that he has to keep me up since I quit my job. Now that Im pregant no one will hire me. Before he got the loan my house was free and clear. Now if he leaves I am stuck with a house payment I cant afford, no car, and no job. He loves holding this over my head. He had never been married and has no kids. When things are good they are great but when he gets mad over anything I have hell to pay. I have no family, I lost both my parents 5 years ago, so I have no one to turn to. I love him dearly till he gets mad.
View related questions:
engaged, fell in love, got back together Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, KittieS  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 My dear dear lady,
I'm usually wordy with my responses, but get out now.
This is not right, it will soon turn into violence please seek immediate counciling for yourself and remove yourself from this very volatile situation - good men do not treat the ladies in the life like this - they just don't.
My heart is with you and I wish you the best
Kitties
A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (16 September 2011):
 Sounds like you married a Jeckyl and a Hyde. It is sort of surprising that his actions didn't surface during the dating process. Are you sure there weren't any signs of this sort of behavior beforehand?
It sounds like your husband is stressing out over the financial situation that you are in. He sees you staying at home and thinks to himself that he is working and you get to stay at home all day and he takes out his frustrations out on you. Sometimes working men forget how hard it is to raise a family (and you have a large family). He may also be resentful that he has 3 step-daughters that are in his house that aren't his.
From your question, it appears that you don't have much of a voice in this relationship. In a positive relationship, there must be give and take on both sides. He's obviously using his earning power and the fact that you are dependent upon him as a reason to bully you.
Your choices aren't good at this point, but here are some for you:
1) Try to work it out with him. This may involve professional counseling. If you have problems talking to him, why not write a letter to him. Explain to him how you've known each other for so long and how you hate to see what you've become. Tell him your feelings and leave the letter for him to find and allow him to read it by himself, without distractions. Be sure the letter is non-accusatory and filled with your positive feelings towards him. The letter should be about getting to where you were, not a letter damning him.
2) Accept the situation (assuming no physical abuse). It sounds like financially, you are stuck. Until the baby is born, you may have to take his tantrums and do what he says until you can do whatever you need to, to go out on your own. This won't be easy but if you learn to diffuse your husband's temper by not responding to it and appeasing it, you may be able to make your lot easier. This really isn't a viable long-term solution, but until you can get back on your feet, it may be the way to go.
3) Begin researching a way out. There are shelters and government agencies that can help you leave this situation. There are hotlines that you can call or a church that could refer you to community outreach centers. They may be able to provide low cost shelters or give you the tools to help you deal with the situation.
I do sympathize with you and I hope you find a solution to your problems.
Good luck.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2011): Wow. Sounds like domestic violence. How does he treat your daughters.? You do not mention that at all. If he treats them that way as well, then I would leave him. Part of domestic violence involves the aggressor isolating his partner and controlling them. It sounds like he has control over your life as now you are dependent on him for your survival.
You say that you quit your job, put a mortgage on your home and are pregnant with his child. My guess is that he keeps you away from your friends and other family members as well.
You say you divorced your previous husband. Why? Oftentimes we are trapped in a cycleof abuse due to our own childhood experiences or what not and do not even realize it.
I would say to you to get some counseling and to consider how the effects of his behaviors is having on your other 3 daughters and to get them and you to a "safe house" as soon as possible. Goodluck.
...............................
A
female
reader, sweetiebabes  +, writes (16 September 2011):
 I am sorry to say but I don't think your husband respects and loves you. If he does, he will not treat you this way. Do not allow him to treat you this way just because you love him. Yes, you are his wife and you have responsibilities to take care of at home and him but he has to respect you.
Your situation is difficult since you are pregnant and no work but time will pass and you need to pick up pieces of yourself again and live independently.
Just the thought that you have no one to run to is a sad, sad feeling but you need to be strong again for yourself, and I mean for yourself and for your children.
Since you are telling he has temper and is only good with you if you go along with him, the idea or the plan of talking to him and tell him of your sentiments I feel will not work simply because he doesn't respect you. I am sorry if I am blunt on this but I cannot think of any word that describes his attitude towards you.
Be strong for your children and for yourself. Make the right decision for yourself.
...............................
|
