A
female
age
51-59,
*inaMG
writes:My husband is bi-polar and a manic depressant. He refuses to talk to me about anything. He will small talk about something someone else does. when we use to talk about problems, he would and does always make it about him only and its all my fault because he get mad. He remembers nothing about the talk except that I blamed him for everything and that it is his fault and I tell him hes always wrong. I do not do that to him at all. I am always calm and understanding to his needs but I fail miserably.I learned early in our relationship never to blame or say he is wrong cause it goes downhill from there.It never works. I still get told that I always tell him he is wrong and its his fault. It is to the point now. He doesn't talk to me at all except to ask me a question about dinner or money.He sees me cry all the time and he tries to not notice. He does not even help around the house any more except make the bed in the mornings and cooks dinner maybe once a week.He tells me to make the decisions in the house and relationship and when I do alot of the time he doesn't agree, then the rest of the day is silent and he complains the rest of the day about me and my dicisions under his breathe or goes where I cant here him. He even wakes up every morning and goes outside on the deck and is severely complaining about me mostly and his like and how bad it is.What do I do? He refuses to talk to anyone and I'm at my wits end. I need to talk out issues and can't. I'm dying in this relationship.What do I do????????????????????
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female
reader, TinaMG +, writes (27 July 2011):
TinaMG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionmy husband has been diagnosed Bi-Polar and is a big time manic depressant. He quit taking his meds cause we lost insurance. They were not really helping. He had finally agreed to start class A drug list. He tried one of them and he didn't like the way it made him feel. So, he refuses to go anywhere to be seen and he said he would never talk to anyone about his problems cause the last time he did talk to a professional, he brought up suicide and what was in his head. The professional said she would have to report his suicidal thoughts and she might have to hold him for observation for a few days. This was when his first wife was divorcing him. She was 8 years younger than him and sleeping around. It devastated him.
It was a great relationship for us until we took in his brothers kids (3), then in 06 we went to go get my disabled father and down syndrome sister to live with us. We talked and talked about my father and sister. I told him all the ups and downs of them before we agreed to get them. Now I do everything except work a real job outside the home. Which I miss terribly but I new what was expected of me. He just makes the bed in the morning before he goes to work.
He regrets the decision we made and complains constantly that we dont have a life.
I tell him we do, its just not what he wants as a life.
I use to laugh and smile all the time and now all i do is frown, cry and get angry. I havent talked to anyone about anything in almost 3 years.
I THINK I'M FLIPPIN CRAZIER THAN HE IS NOW. :(
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2011): hi, your situation sounds just like my previous life of living with my bi-polar ex-husband of 18 years.
Being bi-polar (in my experience) means that they seem to have the world revolving around themselves, they can be extremely selfish people at times too. My exhubby also could cleverly turn around situations so that everyone was to blame except himself. He was argumentative to the point of bieng aggressive, emotionally abusive, sometimes physically aggressive too. i spent the first 10 years of my marriage thinking.. 'i should try harder!' because he was so manipulative and critical of me.
He was finally diagnosed after our separation and sees a phsyciatrist regularly, and takes appropriate medication.
Has your husband been diagnosed? If so, he should really be following medical advice, and probably take medication to help with his moods.
You should also have someone to talk to and even consider counselling yourself, you really do need to take care of yourself too. It can be very damaging to live with someone who has bi-polar, my exhubby is someone who will never be happy, he simply hasn't got the capacity in his personality to know what happiness is. For my own sanity, I'm glad i left him even though when i married him, it was for life.
Since being single again, i'm being suprised by discovering emotions which have been buried for many years, almost as if his personality or unhappiness had numbed me.
I would never suggest to anyone they should leave someone, except in dangerous circumstances, but you really can't change your bi-polar husbands's ways. I'm sure his illness is what is making him the way he is..it all sounds so familiar in a way! Maybe counselling is the way forward, as a couple, but it should be as a part of his treatment by a professional.
Sorry to sound so pessimistic, but your not dealing with a reasonable, normal person! He has an illness which shapes him the way he is.
I wish you luck, and hope your husband finds the help he needs.
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (27 July 2011):
 If you can, get yourself into some counseling with a marriage therapist. Even if he will not go, a counselor can guide you thru your thoughts and feelings, help you sort out your options and a plan for the next steps.
So sorry this is happening, I know how draining and painful this can be.
If he will not help himself, it is like he crawled willingly into a black pit and he is not even looking up to see how to get out. Instead, he blames you for the pit being there.
Remember, it is not really about YOU, he just needs someone to blame, because turning inward in some accountability is too painful..and he can not see how he is contributing to his own madness.
You are going to have to love YOU a bit more than him right now and not seek him out for reassurance or affection. He has none to give. Accept that he WILL complain. That is his coping mechanism right now.
Do not let him be the final say in YOUR personal value and do not let him make YOU responsible for HIS personal happiness.
When someone will not help themselves, you do not get in the pit with them. You can talk to him calmly but you probably will not "reach" them until he wants to hear.
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A
female
reader, VSAddict +, writes (26 July 2011):
 If he's not willing to change, then it's time for you to leave. You don't deserve to be treated like this. Why stay with him when you're not happy? You've tried your best and he doesn't seem to care. He's not willing to listen, compromise, make you feel loved, or welcomed. And that isn't something you should put up with. Don't feel you have to stay because of his conditions. He's the one not willing to change. So leave and get out of this relationship.
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