A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:What should I do?My husband of two plus years has told me he no longer loves me yet he can't leave me. He is no longer sleeping in the same bed. He has spent some nights away from the house. He says he needs space away from me to decide if he loves me or not. He refuses any counseling or any kind of help like marriage books. This has been going on for a few months now. I have spent the time reflecting on our marriage and I love him very much and I have come to realize the reasons why our marriage has fallen apart and where we both went wrong. Yet he refuses to listen to me and doesn't think that we can make things work. And constantly says it's too late. Yet he's still here and he still hasn't made a decision. He has been very mean to me and called me names and said mean things to me. But I still love him. I feel like he is purposely being mean to try and force me to be the one to leave.I know he has thought seriously of leaving. But he hasn't made the move. He still cares for me but he doesn't love me. I've told him that marriage takes work and he just says that he doesn't feel like it should be hard. He is in serious depression about this himself. He is never happy and hates being around me but misses me when he's not. I feel like I have actually dealt better with it by reading marriage help books and talking to a few close friends. I I don't want him to leave but I don't know how much longer I can stay in this limbo. I can't force him to make a decision but it's all his to make. He knows what I want and that I'm ready to commit to fixing the wrongs but he refuses to listen or contribute. I need all the advice I can get...
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female
reader, MsVick +, writes (3 November 2010):
 He has all but physically left the house. You can go to counseling without him, but I would say this. I he won't do anything towards making things work, he isn't interested. Sounds to me like he may have found someone else. I would say tell him if you want to live here you have to go to counseling with me if not leave. You have a right to a full life and not being put on hold and that is exactly what he is doing, putting YOUR life on hold in the hopes he will come around, which he probably won't.
Good luck
A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI hate the whole never miss it till it's gone idea. Like if I sent him packing would he quickly realize he wants to be with me and come back begging for forgiveness. That sounds dumb but maybe there is some truth to it.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (2 November 2010):
 I'm sorry, but you can't force him into doing something he doesn't want to do. I can tell that you love him, it comes through strongly in all your responses, but right now you are in love by yourself.
Put him out. Make the decision he cannot.
Best of luck to you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIt's been almost 4 month since this started. And he hasn't made any decision. I'm frustrated because He says he doesn't love me anymore and he doesn't wanted to be married to someone he doesn't love and he doesn't feel like love should be work. I feel like he's just waiting some amount of time to just tell me it's over. But then other times I feel like he is there and happy. I tried to ask him what I could do an he didn't have an answer. I want to be his wife agian more than anything. He also thinks I don't love him. But i told him. I have had a lot of time to think this through and I do love him. I know it. But it's hard to love when someone doesn't love you back.
I think he wants to take the easy way out. How do I convince him that marriage takes some effort. And that there are also good things about marriage. He is only thinking the bad things right now for some reason.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (31 October 2010):
Let's start with three months. That will give you both time to think over things and decide if the separation is working for you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo how long do I let the space go on? I feel like if he is going to make a decision to stay with me he would just make it. Or atleast try. But he hasn't left either. And I feel like everything I do is wrong. Everything I try to do to help just makes it worse. So I've stopped trying. But now I feel like I've given up. And I don't want him to think I've given up because I haven't.
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A
female
reader, QuirkLady +, writes (26 October 2010):
If he won't make a decision you have to. If he will not listen nor compromise, then you have already done all you can do. If it's space he needs, give it to him by asking him to leave. Limbo isn't good for anyone, and that passive-aggressive tactic of trying to get you to leave is too losery for words. Let him be mean and miserable on his own. Perhaps he will come back around in time. In the meantime, he's got to go.
Good luck.
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