A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I have been married for 12 years. We have two kids 8 and 3. I have been a stay at home mom since the eight year old was born. We built a house in 2004 and moved in right before the 3 year old was born. So, I haven't done a whole lot around the house since we moved in due to being pregnant when we moved in then had a new born, etc etc. I had told him that I wanted to take an online course and I actually never completed it. I was then going to get my contractors license due to he works in construction and it would help us to have the license. I never completed that. Right before Christmas he started acting very distant to me. He would stay outside on the phone or hang out at the building with guy friends. We finally had a big blow up fight and he admitted that he loved me however he was not in love with me. He said that it had been coming on for two years, which is when I started studying to get the contractors license. He said that I had let him down in so many ways. I am not the best housekeeper in the world and there was clutter everywhere. I do admit that 100% and I do agree that with me being home my house should look great. He bust his tale for us to have what we have and he said over the last two years he just felt like I didn't appreciate anything he has done. I haven't followed through on anything that I said I would do to better us from where we were when we moved in this house. I do agree with this. I have been totally wrapped up in being a mom, I also was in slump about myself for quite a while (feeling fat,ugly, just low self esteem about myself). He says these are just excuses which they are but that is how I have been feeling though. Well I have now cleaned the house out of everything. Four trips to Goodwill and three to the dump. He said he loves how the house looks but it is going to take time to heal the hurt he has inside for the way I have made him feel. I am looking for a job and have some good prospects just waiting on them to call me. He has been going out with his friends on the weekends, sometimes coming home and sometimes not. He said he needs to miss me and wants to fall back in love with me. The attraction between us is there and the sex is not a problem never has been. He said that he wants more than that, he wants the in love feeling back in his heart. He told me last night that he has found a little house to move into and that he is cleaning it up now and will probraly move out in two weeks however he has been staying there already (last two nights). I feel this may very well be good for us because it will give him time away from me. In our house, I am always here, so I do understand how he can't get away from me. He said he wants the kids as much as he can get them when he gets settled in the house. Is there hope for us??? I am sorry this is so long, I could actually add more. We have never been a couple that argues, we get along so good, but with construction down his finances have been down sized and we have struggled more than ever. He is feeling that if I had followed through on what I was going to do we would have additional income coming through and he would not feel like he had three kids instead of two or a tag along. He said time will tell if I am going to make a change with my life and find a career.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 February 2009): Honey I am in the same boat although I already work. He's got a girlfriend. He is just trying to control you by telling you he needs time apart. Dump the bastard.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): I had the same like yours, I did give my husband a break from me. He moved out and never really cheated becuase he does work a lot and work a lot of OT. I read so much that relationships mostly comes to this, and the kids were the reason why couples are together. It takes so many years, the first time he left I felt miserable, but that makes me change me and realized all my shortcomings. I was sports and just let him go, he spent more time with the kids better. I just told him if you need me (sexual) I am always here. He said first that it is not fair to me. I told him, if i did not make it right to him, I don't think I can make it right to other man, so I said, I will be here. We are a really good friend, we never got divorce, I just gave him a break and at the same time, I figured out what I needed to do. I am working at the same time supervisor in one big company, the kids understands 8 and 9 years old, that sometimes parents needs some break. We are good to our children and we always agree for the best of our kids. It hurts, but he likes me more now, even though he won't say he loves me. That was last year, on valentines day I said, my gift for you is to let you go.I don't know what if you can take that but you have to talk to each other about what is good for the kids, and for both of you, bec kids were suffer also if you are together because they can feel it. I would say be open for everything and don't judge him for what he becomes.I don't like what is going on now, that we have separate lives but we talk more now than before. I don't really ask where he is, I just update him or get update for the kids. Our sex life is great as well when he comes over. I just take care of myself now and lost more weight.
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A
female
reader, Mrs the Same +, writes (29 January 2009):
I had the same like yours, I did give my husband a break from me. He moved out and never really cheated becuase he does work a lot and work a lot of OT. I read so much that relationships mostly comes to this, and the kids were the reason why couples are together. It takes so many years, the first time he left I felt miserable, but that makes me change me and realized all my shortcomings.
I was sports and just let him go, he spent more time with the kids better. I just told him if you need me (sexual) I am always here. He said first that it is not fair to me. I told him, if i did not make it right to him, I don't think I can make it right to other man, so I said, I will be here. We are a really good friend, we never got divorce, I just gave him a break and at the same time, I figured out what I needed to do. I am working at the same time supervisor in one big company, the kids understands 8 and 9 years old, that sometimes parents needs some break. We are good to our children and we always agree for the best of our kids. It hurts, but he likes me more now, even though he won't say he loves me. That was last year, on valentines day I said, my gift for you is to let you go.
I don't know what if you can take that but you have to talk to each other about what is good for the kids, and for both of you, bec kids were suffer also if you are together because they can feel it. I would say be open for everything and don't judge him for what he becomes.
I don't like what is going on now, that we have separate lives but we talk more now than before. I don't really ask where he is, I just update him or get update for the kids. Our sex life is great as well when he comes over. I just take care of myself now and lost more weights.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): I am the origial poster. He has said that he wants to get the kids as often as he can. He also said he will continue to pay the bills here because that is his resposibility. He is still very attracted to me physically but wants to be emotionally attracted to me when sex is not so important years down the road. Hope that makes sense. I do think this will help. I have checked his phone records and there is not females on there just friends and business calls to other men. I feel since the physical attraction is still there that there is no one else. I have no proof at all. I have recently went from 134 pds to 110 pds and feel really good about myself. My confidence is 120% except for the knots in my stomach from the hurt of my marriage being in such a mess. He did call this morning to check on us and told me he loved me when he hung up. I am going to back off and let him call the shots and take care of myself. I just wanted some other opinions. I do feel I have let him down it just hurts so much to let him go and give space. I have smuthered him when he is home because I want this fixed over night. He said he wants to see if the time apart from me will make him miss me and I think it will because physically we are so together. I have become dependent on him for everything in my life and lost myself and that is what he wants me to find. Who I am?? The person he fell in love with and the person he married. I am on the right road towards that now and with him not here for me to worry about impressing or wondering when he is coming home I can really focus on that 100%. I am looking for a job currently and I know that will help me as well.
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A
male
reader, Leonardo  +, writes (29 January 2009):
Ok, I will give you a man's perspective.
American men don't like lazy people, and they don't like people who don't keep their promises because they are lazy. So you have given him some real good reasons for him to be bitter.
Age 35 is a hard time for a man - no longer young, but not too old to find a pretty young girlfriend who he can impress. Most American men regard age 40 as being "over the hill", and in a way, it is. His wife is showing signs of old age and he is showing signs of old age - this is a hard time to say married for a man. He may view this time as his last time to break free - if he ever is going to break free.
I am not hearing any contrition on your part. You want things better, but the only thing you did was clean the house. Come on - get to the gym, or do some serious exercises. They say "Men age with dignity and grace... Women just age!" The woman's magazines have all the tips on how to look better - time for you to take a serious look in the mirror. Kids are no excuse, except to the lazy wife who doesn't care want to waste her time looking good.
Here's how to handle the new house. He's probably thinking it is his new Playboy penthouse. Ok, just make sure every 3 or 4 nights you offer to bring over dinner wearing something tempting but not too lacy or cheap. If you have a hope of getting him back, he will remember how good you are in bed - and act out on those urges. Don't hang around afterwards - just go back home. He probably likes your body - but don't bore him with the same old chit-chat he has heard for the past 12 years. All men like to sleep alone where they can keep their own schedule and fart in bed without worrying about it :-)
The other thing I would suggest for you is to talk to a real psychiatrist (not psychologist, not therapist) about depression. Your failure to follow through on many things could be a sign of depression, which is a clinical disease (ie, you are really sick, not just sad). It can be treated with drugs. Don't fail to act on that possibility, because you may be fighting against an illness and loosing your husband because of it.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): I think he felt taken for granted when he worked so hard and came home to a messy house, and you didn't follow through with the on-line courses. Of course, were you doing this with 2 kids in the house? That's a BIG job too. A woman has to have discipline to take courses at home with children. Not all woman can juggle it.(myself included) Some woman need to 'go' to a library or somewhere they can focus. It sounds like you don't have family to help out or kick start you when life gets overwhelming. That's hard, I know! But like the other poster said, you need to get your 'power' back, and feel good about yourself. This will be attractive to your husband. I have a little feeling he may have met someone (if he's gone alot), but the odds are in your favor. You have a history, children, a bond. Whenever I see someone say, 'we've never been a couple that argues, we get along so good', or 'best friend' couples, I see red flags. These kinds of couples tend to avoid problems for fear of confrontation and go into denial to pretend everything is fine. But it's sooo wrong. You will drift apart. Couples that are Honest and bring up subjects, concerns, problems (even if it's uncomfortable),and are mature to talk out solutions grow Closer and keep the love Alive. hope this helps. And Great Job! giving the house a makeover! :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 January 2009): Has he met someone else but does not want to tell you? It is quite possible that what he says are his reasons are true, so don't take everything I say as the true situation. It's just that I had a friend in your position and even though I tried to suggest she may benefit from a little digging, she refused. She insisted that her husband would never do that and guess what, he was. Yours may not be doing it, but if you don’t know how can you fight the reality of the situation.That "being in love feeling" always fades after awhile and develops into something else. The something else is what true love is. The first bit is infatuation.The fact that he is speaking of wanting to be "in love" makes me feel that you may be being hoodwinked through all these weekends away, telephone calls etc. You could find out by checking his phone and email but perhaps you are not the type who either wants to snoop, or wants to know. I think these circumstances make that reasonable. If you want tips on how to find out you can ask me, I have never used them but I was once tempted.If your relationship stands any chance of surviving you need to know the truth. Fine, if it really is all about you letting him down, but you have been really busy raising kids. There are plenty of reasons you should be proud of yourself. If he is seeing someone else you need to be able to confront him with the truth and tell him he is free to go. The worst thing is to find out an unexpected truth like a betrayal and then beg him to stay with you, that just causes pity and resentment. Men like to strive towards goals, if he does not have to seek your approval or fight to keep you, where is the value. Perhaps he simply needs you to strive to win him back and show you care about him. Keep your self respect growing and keep going with your plans for yourself. I really think though that you should make a couple of things absolutely clear. You can say you regret him feeling let down, that you are trying now to develop your own life. But, since he has decided to leave, although you would like to think you would be willing to have him back, you can not guarantee whether you will feel the same. You feel unsure whether you trust the relationship any longer. Really, this is a two way street and unless you show him that you have your own judgement to make about what is in your best interests, based on what he is doing, you won’t get that far.At the moment you are chasing red herrings. If he chooses to try and win you back that is fine but it won’t happen until you get a bit of power back and at the moment you have none. He knows you want him so he doesn't have to fight for your relationship and can take you for granted. If he sees that you have standards and will not take him on any circumstances unless he is worthy of you, he won't do anything except head towards another future. I use this saying a lot. “When there are cookies in the jar who wants cookies?” I know you have some reasons to reflect on your own behaviour but very often these type of criticisms are used to divert the wronged person from what is really going on and makes them blame themselves instead of seeing the true picture.Now you need to get strong and face up to what the real issues are even if you have to discover them yourself. This time is crucial because if you don’t make a stand and he is considering moving on, doing nothing will prevent him questioning what he is doing. Being strong will make him wonder about you again and re-ignite his interest. Be calm, don’t fight or cause scenes or beg but be absolutely determined and matter of fact. I guarantee you that will bring you the best chance ever.Please let us know what happens and the very best of luck.
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