A
female
age
36-40,
CG
writes:My husband says he no longer has feeling toward me. Does he means he no longer love me? Then why did he marry me in the first place? He says he is afraid to see me now. He does not know when and how to mend the crack in our relationship. Are all these just excuses? Does he mean he wants a divorce? What should I do? We were in love over 10 years and married for 8 years with a 2 yrs old son. Anyone out there experiences this kind of agony to help me out?
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female
reader, DiovanLestat  +, writes (18 June 2008):
 Unfortunately the friend is right. He has had an affair, he has left you and his son, he has moved out. It now looks like he has made his decision and decided to leave your marriage. I am sorry, but if he loves this woman more than you and your son, you must let him go. You deserve better than the treatment he has been giving you. Your marriage is now finished, there is nothing you can do to get him back, and I don't think you should want a man like this. Go and see a solicitor about a divorce, and sort out custody and money arrangements for you son. You cannot delay this, he may already be planing to take your house and money to give to his new woman. I'm sorry that it has ended like this, but you are now a single woman and have to start making plans to end your marriage for the best happiness of you and your son.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 June 2008): It's time to make steps towards living a happy life, without this man messing up your heart every time you start to get used to life without him. The more you respond to him, it seems, the more he pulls away again. Let him go!
You deserve much better than this. Cut off contact for now (change your mobile number) and consult a counselor about your happiness and a lawyer about a divorce.
Eventually he has to be let back into your son's life (it appears that he still loves the boy though not you) but you and your child need stability. This half-life can't be doing either of you good.
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A
female
reader, CG +, writes (16 June 2008):
CG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionAfter received his text, I replied to him that we can help to restore our live and our boy's live. He didnt replied. There is no news of him...after this text.
Recently, I met up with his closed friend. I learned that my husband has intention to abandon everything he has now in Singapore and restart a fresh live in China with the woman. He is so ungrateful! Can he really disown his mother who brought him up? His only son? Many believed no man can. But his closed friend says he could since he has come so far. What should i do? To tell the world? To stop him? Or to let him go?
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (13 June 2008):
Dash... This is the make or break moment I think. Now don't worry, everything will be ok. Your strong at the moment. Your independent. You've lived without him for a little while now. If you have to, you know you can live without him and do the best for you and your little boy. You can find happiness, you don't need this man to do this.
Sorry he's text has brought everything back again. He's thinking about you and the boy. We know this. He's reached out to you. I don't understand that bit about "He will punish those who have sined and unfaithful". Sounds like a little bit of guilt to me, but who knows. We can't read this mans mind. He probably dosen't understand himself. But no matter. This is not about him, it's about you and the boy. Only your happiness and your son's happiness matters now.
You now have additional choices.
1) Ignore the text, and wait for him to contact you again.
2) Text him back telling him the boy is ok.
3) Text him back and ask if he would like to talk
The choice is yours baby. He's gotten in touch, but he may not have made his decision yet. He may have decided that he dosen't want you and wants a divorce. We don't know, but you now have additional choices.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2008): Stay as far away from this maniac as you can. You must not be drawn back into this. The man will ruin your life. Ignore him and dont fall for his lies anymore.
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A
female
reader, CG +, writes (13 June 2008):
CG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi,
It has been quite a while that I have not been contact with him. I have begin to live on independently with my son. Recently, he sent me a text saying : I am truely sorry for causing so much pain in your live and in boy's live. Pls forgive me and may you be blessed. He will punish those who have sined and unfaithful.
I begun to cry when I read it. What does he mean? May I be blessed? He does not want to continue our relationship anymore? All the questions start to pour out again.
Till then, he has not see or call me on his son. What shall i do?
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (31 May 2008):
You've been given the same advice time and time again. He needs time to think about if he wants to stay married. If you ignore him it will make things worse, if you chase him and harrass him, it will make things worse.
Talk to him only about your child. Act like a single woman. Try, very hard (I know it's difficult) to accept your situation and live as if he had divorced you. Don't call him, but don't hang up on him. Keep your discussions short and sweet and to the point. If you love him and want to wait, then that's what you should do. Not getting angry, not hurry him, not demanding he come back home and not using your child to make him feel guilty.
You want him to come back because he wants to be with you, and because he misses you when your away. To do that he will have to miss you, so break contact. Will this save your marriage, will he come back. I don't know, he dosen't know, all we can do is wait and see. But in the meantime you have to accept your marriage is over and start to prepare your life as a good single parent.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (30 May 2008):
 Be civil to him and act like a friend.
It could be he missed his kid.
You should allow him to talk to his kid and slowly develop from there.
If you love him , try not to put barriers in between you two.
Don't put any pressures on him.
Give him more time .
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A
female
reader, CG +, writes (30 May 2008):
CG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionlatest update...he finally sent sms to me on Wednesday. But it is all about the boy. "can you tell me whether boy is doing well?" 2nd sms "pls tell boy that i have ordered a big motorised car for him". Both sms received and I didnt reply at all. Then he followed up with a call and then put it down, just to check whether I am in overseas. He tested it by hearing the ring tones.
Yesterday night, he called once and I cut off, thinking that I shd sent him the msg of me not desperate of him anymore. Then he called the 2nd times, I answered the call this time. I feel he has not changed his attitute or make any decision. The 1st things he asked is Where are you? I replied "at home". He asked "which home and where is boy". I replied "at home with me and now sleeping". He talked to his boy a while and his boy kept quite, pushed the handphone away. I asked "anything to say". He replied "No". Then I cut off his call.
What does all this about? We seem like a total stranger and has nothing to talk abt it. What's in his mind? If he want the boy and the woman, I shd not give in. It is not the kind of father which my boy deserved. I regretted. I shd not bother to answer his call. Let him to the thinking himself until he realised his mistake. Or else, he is nothing to me. Am I in the right path?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (28 May 2008):
Do not call him even if you feel the urge to do it.
You need to restrain yourself because you would give him the wrong picture.
Wait for him to call you and just talk normally and do not show your eagerness.
Treat him like a friend.
The ball is at his feet.
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A
female
reader, CG +, writes (28 May 2008):
CG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI did try to show your concern , understandings and love for him. But he didnt reply. instead he says his handphone battery is flat.
Times passed a week and did not hear from him. I miss him. I know if I will to contact him, I will feel rejected again. He now do not even bother to check out or want to see his son anymore.
Sad... Should I call him. What if he gets agitate? Or I should hold back and allow him more space?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (26 May 2008):
Both of you are lost at sea.
You should give him more time to think over.
He is confused and unstable and he needs more time to see his mistakes.
He will come around when he can think clearly.
If you love him , don't push him away.
Try to show your concern , understandings and love for him.
The child will soon be happy with his new surroundings and will get along well without the father.
Just sit tight.
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A
female
reader, CG +, writes (26 May 2008):
CG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn fact, I am hestiting whether to contact him. Somehow, I got the phone and called him yesterday. He didn't want to answer saying his handphone battery was flat.
Does it mean he has wanted to end our relationship? Or should I allow some more times for him to think through and decide? I am confuse and worry. I misses him a lot. I know I am still in love with him.
It is getting harder to forget him when my son is looking for his father...
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (26 May 2008):
You did not answer his earlier SMS. He got your message.
You have to forgive him and move on with your life.
The less you talk about him or mention him ,
the better you will forget about him faster.
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A
female
reader, CG +, writes (26 May 2008):
CG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHis last msg to me was on 22 May. Until now, he no longer call and find out whether his son or me are doing well or not. I am very disappointed with him. Can he be happy?Does he enjoying his life being single again? It does not matter to me anymore, right? Since I have stay with my mum and my son is happy with my brothers around. I should be happy too. But I still cry at night when he came into my mind. Reminding me of all those happy moments together. I wonder he can forget all these memories.
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (22 May 2008):
He went off to think, well now you've given him something else to think about. Your behaviour has changed, he can longer make assumptions about what you will do.
He will need to think vey fast, cause it looks like your thinking too and maybe you may decide to leave the relationship before he has made up his mind.....
Looks like your sending him a sign, your saying to him, I am no longer available to you. Your telling him to hurry up and make up his mind, because you might just leave the relationship before him.
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (22 May 2008):
He went off to think, well now you've given him something else to think about. Your behaviour has changed, he can longer make assumptions about what you will do.
He will need to think vey fast, cause it looks like your thinking too and maybe you may decide to leave the relationship before he has made up his mind.....
Looks like your sending him a sign, your saying to him, I am no longer available to you. Your telling him to hurry up and make up his mind, because you might just leave the relationship before him.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (22 May 2008):
He could be having second thoughts or some remorse over his abrupt leaving you in the lurch.
Being in a strange land and far away from one's family can make him feel nostalgic and that something is missing in his life.
It would depend on you whether you still want him back or not.
You can either be civil with him and reply his SMS or you could just cut him off totally .
The choice is yours.
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A
female
reader, CG +, writes (22 May 2008):
CG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI have stopped calling and sms him since last Sunday. He sent me an sms on Monday saying "Can u tell boy that I have missees him. Boy sleeps well?" I didnt reply.
Today morning, he called me twice and put down the phone. I knew he is trying to find out whether I have went overseas. He then sent me an sms saying "Are you ok? How is boy doing at mum's place?" I ignored. I didn't reply his msg.
Does it mean he has begin to miss us when he feels lonely? It does not mean he has changed his mind. right?
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A
female
reader, Laura1318 +, writes (21 May 2008):
Your husband is irresponsible , childish and have abandoned you and his son.
You have to pick up the pieces and start your own life without him.
You may give him a time period and if he does not come back
for you , you will have to accept the stark reality that he is gone for good from your life.
Stay with your mother as you will have emotional support and safety for you and your son.
It is better than staying in your own house with a nanny.
You can rent your house out or sell it.
Until you meet another one , then you can move out from your mother's place.
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A
female
reader, CG +, writes (21 May 2008):
CG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi DiovanLestat, thank you. Let me share with you further. I had a talk last 2 weeks ago. He says if I does not want our own home for the boy growing up home. He will sell it away. I told him it is more cruel if he will to leave us alone at the house where he is not there. He replied. Fine, I will be physically there. You want to wait for me to change my heart for over 10 or 20 years. then wait... I got so angred and he asked him to go away and leave him alone. He does not want to make any decision which lead to regret for life. He just want to concentrate in his work and settle his huge debts. He does not want to care and think of relationship. Because the more he think, he will do things unnecessary out of anger and then regret...
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (21 May 2008):
Good. He wants out or at least time to think. You got the kid, so you should have the house. Let him get his own house to think in.
However if you feel supported and happy at your mothers... well, what do I know.......
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A
female
reader, CG +, writes (21 May 2008):
CG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, my family home is in Singapore. My son and I currently staying at my mum's house. I am looking for a nanny around my own home in order for me to move back. A friend of mine who went through this agnoy 2 yrs ago has advised me to stay with mum and be happy there. Leave him alone totally which mean no contact with him at all. Let him make the move to call you and see what can be work out. Currently, it is safer for me to stay at my mum's house. I am confuse and worry. I very much wanted to move back to my own home but I am worry that I unintentionally causes him to move out the home. Sad... painful.
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A
female
reader, CG +, writes (21 May 2008):
CG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi, my family home is in Singapore. My son and I currently staying at my mum's house. I am looking for a nanny around my own home in order for me to move back. A friend of mine who went through this agnoy 2 yrs ago has advised me to stay with mum and be happy there.
Leave him alone totally which mean no contact with at all. Let him make the move to call you and see what can be work out. Currently, it is saver for me to stay at my mum's house.
I am confuse and worry. I very much wanted to move back to my own home but I am worry that I unintentionally causes him to move out the home. Sad... painful.
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (21 May 2008):
I'm a bit confused, where is your family home? Signapore or China.
You need to move back into the family home, no matter if he lives there or not. You need to follow the advice give by eyeswideopen. Move home, sort out a normal family routine for you and your son. Start living your life as a single parent (minus the dating). Bring normality, back into your son's life. This will keep you busy, give you strength and make you feel more in control of the situation. Forget about your husband for the moment, develop interests and hobbies that keep you busy, until he is ready to talk.
Write your husband a letter to sort out arrangements for him to see your son. He dosen't want to see you at the moment, fine... Arrange for him to see your son without you, in the care of somebody you trust. You can do no more.......
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A
female
reader, CG +, writes (21 May 2008):
CG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLast weekend, I brought my son back home and he ran away in the middle of the night. The next day, I realised that he has left and flew to China. I am so sad and disappointed. My intention is to let my husband to spend some times with his son because he has not seen him for over a month. Yet he chosen to leave.
I asked him why he has to leave, he says he is not prepared, he does not hate me, pls don't force him, pls leave me alone.
I am so disappointed of his behaviour. Someone advised me to leave him alone then. Since he is not ready, let him be. It could be his excuses. But do not make any wild guess. No point. He says he is reflecting. True or not is not a matter anymore. If you will to move back and forces him to go China. It will make things worse. What do you think?
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (20 May 2008):
You don't want to finish the relationship and are willing to wait. This I can understand. This is a gamble, he may come back, he may not who knows.
All I know is that whatever happens you must build a life for yourself where you and your son can be happy and prosper. You need listen to your elders and move back to your home. If and when your husband decideds to give you his decision, he will find you very much changed. You will still be a woman in love, but you will also love and respect yourself and be able to be strong and find happiness in your life no matter what.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (20 May 2008):
 He's the one who has let go of your relationship, and he is the one that has caused you all this pain. It's time you get busy about you and your son's future. Move back home and be with your friends and family, you will need their strength to move on with your life. If your husband realizes he's made a horrible mistake by leaving his family then and only then should you think about getting back together. Be warned though if he's cheated on you once he may do it again and again.
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A
female
reader, CG +, writes (20 May 2008):
CG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm so reluctant to let go our relationship. We have been through so many hardships in order to be together. How can he did this to me? I know I cannot changed what has already happened but I have shown him my forgiveness in his unfaithfulness.
I'm advised by the elders to return home with my son regardless of he is there or not. I've to make him feel the warm when he is home after tiring work and the bonding of his son will change his mind to stay.
Does it work?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 May 2008): I've had this experience myself, and can give you the most truthful advice. After 2 weeks, yes thats all it takes, it is unlikely he will want to come back. Once they are over that initial stage and get a taste of freedom, these cowards then start to erase you and your children out of their minds completely. My husband left me 10 years ago with four children, I went through all the agonies you are going through, it was hell, but now I can honestly say he did me a favour. Im now married to a fantastic man, while ex husband has made a mess of his life and non of us speak to him. Hold your head up, dont contact him and get on with your own life. You think you cant do it, you can. Millions of us have. My children are all happy, so can yours be. Forget this pathetic man, for thats what he is.
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A
female
reader, DiovanLestat +, writes (20 May 2008):
Your husband sound like he needs time alone to decide whether he wants to continue your relationship. I'm sorry that things are going this way for you. He had an affair with another woman and may still have feelings for her and want to be with her. He needs time to be alone to make his decision. This you can do nothing about.
How long will this last? I don't know. How much can you stand? If you push he may decide to leave your marriage and repent his decision at his leisure. Either way he may need feel he needs space away from you. He has no right however, to treat your child this way. Write him a letter, sticking only to the issue of your son. Make arrangements for your son to meet him. He must be terribly hurt and missing his father.
You have a right to feel happy and secure too. Start planning your life as a single woman, find something else to do rather than waiting around until your husband decides. Go out with friends and keep yourself busy. He may not come back, but at least he will start to see how you intend live your future life without him. This may cause him to reconsider and find reasons to stay and work hard to heal your marriage.
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A
female
reader, CG +, writes (20 May 2008):
CG is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you. I am so glad someone like you out there gave me some advices. You are right. I should give me some space. But How long? It has alrdy been 4 months. Probably, He is running away from something. He has not been seeing or show care to his son and me for months yet he keeps on saying he loves and misses his son a lot. Last weekend, I brought my son home with the intention to let him spend some quality time with his son. Unfortunately, he ran away to China on the night when we are back home. I asked him why he has to leave. He replied he loves boy, but leave him alone, pls. And he don't hate me. He ask pls don't force me. Am not prepared. Leave me alone. Will shut down his hand phone. The next day, I realised he actually flew to Fuzhou, China the woman he has an affair since Jun '07 residing. I asked him : U want me leave u alone so u can enjoy with someone else? He replied No, I missed boy a lot. Am reflecting. Did he or did he not reflecting? Why he needs to be prepared to see his son and wife coming home and have to run away? I am confused. What shd I do?
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (15 May 2008):
It does sound like he's going through that 7 year itch that affects some marriages. He may or may not have another woman who has caught his eye. I think what you need to do is to try to stay calm, give him some room and time to think about things. Also I would try to find out if he is indeed seeing another woman because that changes this from uncertainty on his part to adultery on his part. Big difference. Good luck honey, and keep us posted.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2008): He's either got a woman lined up, because men rarely leave without feathering their nest first. He could be a rare exception.
Or like a child that can't get his own way he's stompping off to sulk hoping you will come running after. Offering gifts to bring him back. o.k i'll give you more blow jobs, breakfast in bed, i'll shine your shoes.
Sounds like he can't win an arguement.
Just let him be, don't go running after him, he's the one that left.
Eventually he will see his reaction was childish.
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