A
female
age
41-50,
*lexa123
writes:Hi,My husband was a virgin when we met although I didn't know at the time as because he was 25 at the time was embarrased and told me he had slept with one other woman I had two kids and a few previous relationships.later in the relationship we briefly chatted about past relationships basically he quizzed me I just told him I'd had sex with a few other men didn't go into any detail.He confessed he was a virgin before and had not even kissed another woman as he was saving it for the right woman apparantly I was her.We went on to get married and had another child but now he has become obssed with my past and searches the Internet for past boyfriends I have mentioned he gets snappy with me if something reminds him like a name on the radio and he also gets upset sometimes. I feel dirty and like I have done something wrong I feel on the verge of leaving him just to spare him any upset and also for me to not feel like I've done wrong I don't know what to do please help!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 March 2011): same as my husband, we been married for three month now. but the problem that i used to get angry al d time when i need his attention for a moment, since d tym i know he was slept with another women when he was a virgin...but after marriage i just know ...which now become of my nite and day mare ....i used to get angry straight aways and feel out sometimes, feel unloved, and not cared...
A
female
reader, Alexa123 +, writes (7 March 2011):
Alexa123 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi and thanks to everyone so far.
Your answers have helped me alot in understanding this.
To the person that asked.
My oldest children do not see their biological dad and we have been married 5 years , I have not just had a baby and nothing has changed at all I think he has felt this way for a number of years but he has only just told me. I am gonna have a talk with him and see how we can sort this out because i do love him. Thanks again much appreciated.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): The posters are absolutely correct: He has retroactive jealousy, a painful form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, and it is common: It's hard-wired in the biological development of the brains of men (and women), who essentially want to be sure that they have children with you, and that they don't end up raising some other dude's kids unknowingly. (Adoption etc is very different today, of course.... obviously modern, loving families, but I am talking about psychological and biological hard wiring here....) Women also have a negative view of "easy" women because they are a threat, these easy women could take away their mates and have kids. On the bright side, your husband is jealous, and that means he loves you and cares for you. The BEST thing you can do is: (1) REASSURE him that you LOVE him, and only him; (2) tell him that he is the BEST lover you ever had, that his manhood is impressive, the biggest and the best; (3) be an interested/caring lover and make him feel like King of the World. I know women think this is funny, but if you do this, you will have a VERY happy marriage, and he will adore you, and be your slave. I have told other women friends this advise, and they initially that it was hilarious, and patronizing, but when they did it, their marriages improved 500%. Your man WILL positively believe you when you tell him that they are your best lover. Such a simple solution!!! I guarentee that after a month of moaning loudly, and stroking his, um, ego, your problem will be largely solved. Keep us posted!
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (7 March 2011):
 You have not done anything wrong. Do not let him convince you of this, or let this idea settle in your mind. What your husband is going through is a problem he has with himself, not because of anything you did or didn't do. Remember that. How does he respond when talking about this, about how his searhing makes you feel? Has he properly expressed why he is acting this way? Or is there a lack of communication, or impossible to talk about it due to the argument getting heated, or him shutting down?
For how long have you been married? Has anything recently happened that caused a change in your living situation? Did you give birth recently?
If he wants to know more about your past boyfriends, has he not asked you questions? What about the contact you have with the father/fathers of your children from before your marriage? Are you still in touch with them? Have they talked to your husband, said anything?
I am unsure about calling everything under the sun retroactive jealousy. It's not apparent that you husband is jealous, or feeling threathened. Exactly what is going through his mind, or what his intentions are, seems unclear. What exactly does he do, or say, when you say he gets upset, or snappy? I suggest you do not try to understand and accept this as a de facto state, but instead see that apparently your ex boyfriends were not a problem before. So something has changed, since now he expresses some sort of obsession. The most important factor in this however is the impact his actions have on you. Make it very clear just how he is making you feel, and that his actions have a consequence: you feeling low about yourself.
There are too many uncertainties here to make a clear statement about your situation. Try to answer these questions, you can give a feedback here on dearcupid if you wish to.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (7 March 2011): I would tell him you can't doing anything about the past - you want to be with him but if he can't get beyond past events that then there is a big problem. If he were to go on to meet someone else at some stage, they would have a past too. This is something he has to deal with himself. Whether he is going to be agonized by past events, or live for today and tomorrow is the key here. I would make it clear this is the situation and only he can decide to forget your past and be happy living in the present.
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (7 March 2011):
It's a very common problem, specially with virgin males, but not limited to them. And it's not like he's doing it on purpose. It's related to an obsessive character and he's living a hell.
He has basically two problems: he has a moral conflict with you for having sex with other men in the past, and he's obsessed with that.
Whether you have to leave him or stay with him depends on how much you love him. Of course he loves you, otherwise he wouldn't be obsessed. But there is no too much for you to do with this. He has to see a doctor (therapist).
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (7 March 2011):
This is called retroactive jealousy and it happens often. Just browse the site, there are many guys who are dealing with what your hubby is dealing with, asking how to overcome it. Here's an example:
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/retroactive-jealousy--how-do-i-overcome-it.html
By reading it you may get some insight on his POV and then maybe this relationship can be salvaged. Personally, I never understood it, so my first thought when I read this question was to advise you to leave him. But I think you should try and talk over things with him first and tell him how sad it is that his insecurity has taken over in this way. Because that's all it is. Tell him he should either accept you WITH your past or it is over. You do not deserve to be punished when you haven't done anything wrong.
People like him often walk around with the idea that if they even out the count (as in: he cheats until he has slept with as many people you did) everything will be allright. So be careful and know when there's nothing to be done.
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