A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HelloI've had quite a few bad relationships in the past, and I think the issue was because I had low self esteem I didnt think I was worth better. I've had intensive therapy over the last six months to raise my confidence and at last I get it, and feel better than I have done for years, if not ever. In the past, I would ignore faults and hope things would improve or not be bothered enough to do something about it. I therefore thought dating would be a good way to practise this, because I could try out some guys before I committed. However I have met this man, we have spoken a lot, probably at least 15 hours worth of chats! We met up last week and ended up having a 24 hour date. He has asked me for 2 more dates, one this weekend and one the following weekend. The problems Im having are:-he seeems too straightforward! Im looking for faults and havent found anything significant at all- I feel as though I am too excited about him and thinking too long term at times. I keep checking my phone etc and feeling a bit giddy! What should I do?PS He is very positive about me and also quite open about talking about things in a longer term, nothing scary like, just little things!
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female
reader, Fiona xxx +, writes (14 May 2009):
 Just have fun, see how it goes. Have lots of laughs, making the most of the time together. Don't give eachothers life stories too soon. Find out what you have in common, enjoy socializing together just the two of you, and in a group on other occasions, plus have some days out together and some walks. Don't look for faults, but assume if there was something major, you would have noticed it by now. Accept the fun and make the most of it, but have a slight step back, just in case it doesn't last long. There's no reason to expect the worst, but look out for the obvious, gambling, violence, excess alcohol, drugs... Just be yourselves together.
There are two aspects of taking things slowly. I have explained the emotional aspect.
Otherwise people assume waiting to have sex keeps a distnce. Not necessarily, a lot of guys would then say they love you all the time to get you into bed. I would find that offputting. Some people like to have the sex really early, to get that out of the way, to be spontaneous. That way they can focus on the relationship/what else they have in common. That's without every week, the guy paying you loads of compliments to get you into bed, or saying he loves you and getting really intense with that objective.
It's not if you have sex, it's how emotionally involved you are and how soon that happens.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): Enjoy that's what i would do. Enjoy every single moment.
You are trying to hold yourself back from the sounds of it. This is a good thing. Enjoy - sometimes miracles happen.
Go out and see him spend time - try and slow it down (if you can) and walk through it and not run - There is no rush if its meant to be it will be ....
Hugs, star.x.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): Please calm down and watch out for yourself. Without meaning to be negative alot of guys are this keen in the beginning- probably genuinly- but it is your job to play a little bit hard to get. Curb your enthusiasm and dont let him think he's got you 100% or he'll either lose interest or stop trying so hard. I speak from experience. My b/f was all that yours is, and we are still together, but I do feel if Id held back more in the beginning, it wouldnt have taken him so long- 18minths and a break up- to tell me he loves me!! I am still not convinced he realises how lucky he is to have me and its very hard to back track once a guy knows you love him and are his totally.
You dont have to play-act or be mean, just dont let him set the pace of the relationship at break neck speed only to put the skids on later and hurt your feelings. Good luck and enjoy- your worth it!! .
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): "-he seeems too straightforward! Im looking for faults and havent found anything significant at all"
That's a good thing! Obviously nobody's perfect but there is no reason to keep on thinking the worst with the expectation of finding it. Not everyone is a borderline basketcase, so don't expect them to be. You two seem to get along well and that's really all you need to 'worry' about at the moment.
"- I feel as though I am too excited about him and thinking too long term at times. I keep checking my phone etc and feeling a bit giddy!"
That's just cos you really like him and the vast majority of people feel EXACTLY the same sense of giddiness and excitement when they meet someone new. So just calm down and enjoy this rush of chemicals. Just don't be TOO forward too quickly or you might scare him off.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2009): Get to know him more before you go too far.
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