A
male
age
,
anonymous
writes:I am dating a woman who had intercourse with a man for 8 years, who she continues to represent as one of her best friends. They sometimes went to live sex clubs together. She tells me that she just did it for the sex, until he decided to date a another woman. Aparently, they had this agreement that they will continue to have intercourse until one of them met someone that they wanted to date. He met a woman and she was emotionally distraught, but said it was only about the sex. I did not agree with her answer about the sex and found that relationship very unhealthy and dysfunctional. My problem is that if we are out and an attractive woman walks into the room and I notice her, I'm accused of being a womanizer. I'm not gazing or following her path. If a man or non-attractive woman walks in and I look, there is no discussion. FYI, I am not turning my head to look. These people are simply in my visual field. I am not ignoring her company or shopping around. I tell her that she is insecure, because she has been hurt several times in prior relationships. This can happen in traffic, shopping, etc. I am walking on eggshells when I'm with her and just happen to look toward an area where an attractive woman is standing. We have been dating for 16 months but she represents herslf as devoted to God, Family, and Monogamy, but had this prior relationship? I look forward to any constructive advice.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): It wasn't just about the sex...your gf is fooling herself. She probably agreed to go to sex clubs with her ex because, she thought that was a way of keeping him, but as you can see, he found someone else he wanted to date and ended the relationship with her. Your gf was doing whatever it took at the time to keep this guy around even after he may have showed her that he wasn't interested in anything long term; she became emotionally devastated after he left her for another woman and to ease the emotional and mental pain she is feeling, she is trying to convince herself that it was only sex...which is far from the truth. What may ring true is that your gf loved her ex and wanted the relationship to work thus, she attended sex clubs with him.
Your gf was never ready for a relationship as she is unhealthy mentally and emotionally and the likely hood of her changing anytime soon is slim to none esp. if she is in the age bracket that you are in (41-50). She has been jaded by previous relationship(s), she doesn't appear to have gotten over them as she carries around the emotional and mental baggage of being afraid and concerned about the guy she is dating looking at other women, cheating or doing something else that will not benefit the relationship.
I think she needs to seek therapy of some sort, read relationship books and really work on herself---YOU are NOT the issue, thus you shouldn't take this problem as your own. This is your gf's issue so don't get drawn into the drama....you haven't done anything, thus you don't have anything to prove. This is her issue, let her solve it. If you guys need to take a break, then do so.
A
female
reader, Cherry91  +, writes (3 August 2010):
I'm sorry to have to say this but I've known plenty of guys enter relationships with women like this (which sadly never worked out), and the girls were still as insecure in the end as they were at the start. I really do hope I'm wrong but from every relationship I've seen that was like this, nothing you can say will change how insecure she feels, at least not forever. She's been burned, that's for sure. But the aftermath of that is that whenever you happen to just gaze in the direction of another woman, even if you aren't looking at her, the woman you're dating will be upset about it. It's entirely up to you to decide whether this is something you can deal with or not. You could always try telling her that you're completely happy and aren't looking for anyone else, but even then I doubt she will believe you. Maybe suggest (in a gentle way) that she seek professional help about her issues. This is the only thing that I think will work. That said, I can understand how upsetting this must be for you when all you want is a happy relationship with her. Good luck with whatever you decide to do
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): It looks like she got stung in that last relationship. The one she's now trying to completely be different from.
It's my feeling that her last relationship was more about what he wanted. I think she was a reluctant participant, that loved him and wanted to please him but was deep down hurt that he wanted to look at others etc.
You have to have a serious and frank discussion about this with her, that you feel like your being punished for what others have done to her. You can't avert your gaze from other people 24/7 that's impossible but she needs to trust you that in your heart you only want her. That you looking in another woman's direction means nothing and is creating a situation that doesn't exist. If she can't curb her insecurities and let go then this will just snowball into something worse.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 August 2010): It looks like she got stung in that last relationship. The one she's now trying to completely be different from.
It's my feeling that her last relationship was more about what he wanted. I think she was a reluctant participant, that loved him and wanted to please him but was deep down hurt that he wanted to look at others etc.
You have to have a serious and frank discussion about this with her, that you feel like your being punished for what others have done to her. You can't avert your gaze from other people 24/7 that's impossible but she needs to trust you that in your heart you only want her. That you looking in another woman's direction means nothing and is creating a situation that doesn't exist. If she can't curb her insecurities and let go then this will just snowball into something worse.
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A
female
reader, cocoqueen88 +, writes (3 August 2010):
 sounds like she has something to work out within herself. so she may have to talk to a professional about her issues because there is no reason for you to pay for others' mistakes. If things don't get better she'll only push you farther away and that's no way for a relationship to be.
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