A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I fell in love for the first time of my life when I was 23. This was 11 years ago and it was of course magical and exhilarating. A transitional time, where texting still consisted of pressing a button 3 times to get your letter. I loved him so much. And he loved me so much. I’ll chalk up our issues to my inexperience and immaturity and general only child spoiled princess tantrums. And his childhood abandonment issues which lead to a very independent and stubborn prideful character with a stiff upper lip who only exploded with emotion til it was too late. Communication clearly missing in our relationship. And after fights it wasn’t spoken of. A lot of resentment grew on my part because of this and within my explosion, singed his feelings and emotions, and as he has a difficult time trusting, said I broke his heart. We never fully recovered after that, shy of a full year of a wonderful relationship we went into on and off territory for 6 whole years til did he’s trademark “peace out” text and my long letters of explaining my feelings. I’m now married to someone who I can rely all the time and doesn’t come and go as he pleases. And who ensures we communicate and try to understand each other. Except I still keep thinking about my first love. It’s very haunting because I will still cry, mourning the loss. The loss of him? Of our innocence? Or a simpler time? Of my youth? Of romance? I don’t even know anymore. There’s some things seriously incombatable between us I know logically. Or, that things will just never be the same, it’s an unsalvageable burnt piece of toast. Do people ever get over their first loves? Can I not get over i because I unconsciously do not want to forget it? I always have this urge to contact him again although I will not. Or am I just curious because i know nothing of him for years? Any insight would be helpful! Thanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 April 2018): It sounds like this was not just your first love but also that you were involved with someone who was emotionally unavailable. The "come and go" that you described, the explosive outbursts, the difficulty processing emotions and in trusting people - yes, they are all signs of someone who has had their trust broken and this also means that they are emotionally unavailable to you.
The problem with this is that emotionally unavailable people have a way of being extremely seductive and lure you in, but then things go no further, and they tend to 'back away' either literally or emotionally, or both, over and over again. It's a roller-coaster of fights and make-up's, confusion and attempts to resolve things (usual in a one-sided manner).
For you to experience this as your first 'love' could mean a. that you had your own reasons for being drawn to an emotionally unavailable person without you even realising this is what you were doing; at an unconscious level, he will probably have said and done things that registered in your psyche as 'familiar' somehow. This can tend to happen when we have experienced emotional unavailability in a parent figure and we are trying to resolve it. If this is the case, you have basically 'side-stepped' (I think wisely) this need to resolve an unavailability from another person, by ensuring you are with a reliable partner now - but it may be that there are lingering threads of this unresolved, deeper level issue, and thinking about your first partner dredges them up again. OR it could be b. that you did not have this kind of experience with a parent and simply fell into this relationship through complete naivety, tried your best (as a still developing human) to work through the problems, but couldn't because HE didn't have the emotional repertoire to work this out with you. In this case, you will still probably retain some of the original hurt, because this was your first experience of this and you still haven't made sense of it.
I don't think it is anywhere near as mysterious or complex or doomed as you are saying - it's quite simple (though sad, I guess) - he was emotionally unavailable and HE will need to sort this out, but you haven't made sense of this yet and so it feels like it has a lot of power over you and HE will seem like he still has some magical power over you and this is why you are drawn to him. Sorry but if you look at the cold facts, it's just not as fanciful as it seems at all - and realising this, either with a counsellor or without one, should free up emotional space to really move ahead with your current partner, into the future.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 April 2018): You're over-romanticizing that old relationship. Nothing you described about it was really all that special or unique from most. The obsession is going to ruin your marriage; so it's time you see a therapist.
Counseling will help get to the root of why you're constantly ruminating and grieving over a long-over relationship that didn't end well. You're not getting what you need from your current relationship; because you're still living in the past. It's time to grow-up.
First-loves, losing our virginity, and many other things in our youth that are unforgettable; will always standout as milestones in our lives. Maturity redefines our youthful-past by helping us to redefine, sort-out, and distinguish fantasy from reality.
Memories are sometimes much better than the actual experience. Blocking-out the less appealing facts and exaggerating the pleasurable moments. Often recalling events better than they actually were. "Magical" isn't a realistic reference to anything. It's bigger than life.
It's fine to hold-on to fond memories; but once they become an obsession that haunts us daily, it's time for some professional-help.
You're over-due some counseling to help you move on and clear your head. You should be focused on your marriage and your current life. The past is gone.
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A
female
reader, Andie's Thoughts  +, writes (4 April 2018):
 You don't have to forget your first love, but you shouldn't still be hung up on it either. It would do you some good to find a therapist and discover the reason you won't move on and keep it as just a memory.
Do you love your husband? If not, that may be part of it, though you and your ex weren't compatible and still may not be, so pining for a "dead" relationship is unhealthy and taking away your energy and effort from your marriage.
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