A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I need some advice please about my nephews.I have 2 nephews (my husbands brothers kids) aged 10 and 14 and both have no manners and don’t socialize. They are just always engrossed in their phones or iPads etc…. They ignore you when you speak to them etc….Before anyone starts saying they might be autistic or anything else- they aren’t- they just unfortunately have never been disciplined and can do what they want.We recently had a birthday party for my 6 year old son. We had a barbecue and lots of fun activities in the garden, I hired lots of games - like bowling, football, bouncy castle, plus more….so there was everything for all ages. We both have big families so there was quite a few of us. When my nephews arrived I did my best to try to get them to join in the fun and engage with others but like usual they were just not bothered. I took them outside where everyone was and showed them all the fun activities there were to do. My husband got them a drink and I left them to it- thinking they’d get involved in the games. As time went on I noticed that I couldn’t see them and then found them sat in my “good” living room. I have 2 living rooms and one is off bounds (which they know) - I have a lot of sentimental items in there and some very expensive antique furniture which I inherited - which I don’t want touched. My other living room however is fine to use but they chose my good living room. They had also literally finished all the snacks I had put out - they just grabbed bowls of crisps and peanuts, pickles, crackers, cheeses and took it with them (I had to get my dad to go to the shop and buy more snacks as they demolished everything).They also spilled their drink on my carpet and had their trainers on my coffee table and crumbs everywhere . I told them they shouldn’t be in there and that they should’ve come to get me or my husband to clean up the spill. They didn’t even apologize, they just got up and left. It’s not the first time I’ve had to speak to themabout things and it makes no difference.Now if this was an isolated incident I wouldn’t be here asking for advice. Unfortunately every time they come over they do something they shouldn’t. Once I caught them in my en-suite bathroom and they had made a mess in there- towels on the floor- water everywhere- there’s a guest bathroom on the ground floor which they know to use but decided to go to my en suit. On another occasion they decided to help themselves to some food in my kitchen (without asking) and left it a complete mess.The list goes on….I’ve told my husband several times to speak to his brother about the kids but my husband doesn’t think it’s an issue. It’s getting to the point I don’t want them in my house anymore. I have a couple of times tried to talk to their mother about it but she kind of shrugged it off. I’ve also approached my brother in law and he too wasn’t bothered saying “they’ll grow out of it”They basically do whatever they want in their own home - they have no chores or responsibilities- their parents cater to their every whim and need.They behave the same at their grandparents houses and once again no one says anything - they just do as they please - which is fine but when they are in my house there are rules. What do I do? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2022): Get a backbone, and tell your husband and their parents you will not deal with it anymore!!! Don't let them come over; unless your husband wants to handle and sit them. While they visit, you can find somewhere to go, or get a spa treatment; while they visit with their uncle. Don't clean-up one mess they make. Let your husband clean it up, and leave it there until he does. Take photos and send them to their parents.
They do the same at their grandparents? Good! They raise hell until somebody steps-up and does something about it!
Your fear is of everybody being angry with you. Nobody cares about you, or what you're going through. You nag and b!tch about it; but you don't really set boundaries, or let everybody know that you're done, and this isn't going to happen in your house anymore. You let your husband ignore you like a child; while you whine and complain about it. He just lets you go through your hissy-fits, shrugs it all off, and the whole thing just repeats itself. Boys will be boys! Well, they ain't your boys, and it ain't their house!
Your house has rules? Then who's enforcing them? Why do you allow unruly children over, that you can't control in the first-place??? Why are they there?
This will stop when YOU put a stop to it! We don't have to tell you what to do. They're YOUR nephews! You'll have to figure it out. Being nice or fussing isn't working is it? Unless you have the "courage" and fortitude to implement what we advise you to do, there's little point in offering you our advice.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (7 June 2022): If you let people abuse you and your home and run riot there then this can happen. It should be your home your rules.
My husband has some kids from his side of the family.
He used to be quick to let them roam about everywhere with no thought to what might happen. We bought a new Nintendo Switch and he said oh when they visit they can use that. I insisted they cannot because I know games can disappear, things get broken and all sorts. I just will not take those risks.
But I am friendly, have a laugh and a joke with them, make them very welcome in every other way. The way grandparents are is up to them, very often they are bending over backwards because they are blinded by love or they are scared they won't want to visit anymore if they are strict.
They buy their visits with presents and being lenient.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2022): Your house, your rules. If they're going to act like brats, don't invite them. And if their parents kick up a stink that you didn't invite the kids, don't invite the parents either! Or arrange the party in a public place where they can't damage your furniture. They sound so disrespectful.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (6 June 2022): Hi there. I am a 14m. If I did the stuff your nephews did, my dad would beat the crap out of me. He does not literally beat me. I just mean i would be in big trouble. When I was younger he would spank me and then when I got older grounding from stuff I really cared about like electronics and now if I messed up he would probably ground me to keep from seeing my GF which is like my lifeline. He was kind of strict but basically i think i am a decent person and have manners and stuff and my GF's parents think I am like awesome. So I give credit to my mom and dad 100 percent. Someone needs to beat the crap of them (or something). I agree they should not be invited back until they apologize and can act human.
Your friend, Calvin (alias)
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  + ♥, writes (6 June 2022):
 What do you do?
Stop hosting gatherings at your house IF these kids are going to be invited.
If you HAVE TO host it in your house LOCK the doors to rooms you don't want the "brats" in. It might take a bit of effort but yeah, that is probably what I would do.
OR... Host it at a nearby park, or have dinners at a restaurant (that way you also don't have to cook, clean, or worry about your stuff).
Or simply do not invite your brother-in-law and his brood. That can probably cause a rift so that has to be done with some delicacy.
We have some kids in the family on my husband's side that are (for lack of a better term) acting "feral". I swear. They will go through the fridge 5 minutes after they get there. They get pissy when you tell them that the upstairs (2nd floor) and basement are off-limits. (because they USED to go into my daughters' rooms take stuff and break stuff. Last birthday there were fingerprints all over the cake with missing frosting because they wanted to "taste it" and couldn't wait. Wiped said frosting off on my couch. I can not get the dye out. They then decided to play soccer in the yard, all fine, right? Well, the back end is just grass or lawn 1/2 acre (so fairly big) up near the house I have several flower beds that I have spend the last 2 years planting and building. Guess where they decided to play soccer? Yep, around the flower beds so most of my peonies, iris, roses and other flowers are now trampled, and broken. They are now semi-banned from my house. I will NOT host anything at my house where these kids are invited. I'm not fancy. My house is not fancy but what tween and teen do not know to NOT wipe blue frost on a cream-colored couch? Or to just NOT stick their fingers in the cake?! I know they did it on purpose. And no, I'm never mean to them or have a million rules. I have babysat these buggers, made their Easter baskets, School start baskets, Christmas stockings, etc, etc. I'm just done. Thankfully, my husband agrees. I just can not be arsed anymore.
YOU need to get your husband on your side. HE needs to be the one dealing with his brother. United front.
If these kids can't abide by the rules in your house, well, then they can't VISIT your house.
Figure out how to host without having to HOST at YOUR house.
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A
female
reader, RitaBrown +, writes (6 June 2022):
Stop inviting them round. Any get-togethers can be in other venues so at least you won't have to clear up.
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