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female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Hi,I need some advice with how to deal with my mothers constant put downs.I consider myself a good daughter-im 26 and live at home. I have never been drunk,never done drugs,i have never even tried a cigarette. I've always been honest with my parents when going out on dates and i always ensure im home early so they dont stay up worrying (they are very protective). Over the past couple of years my mum has been quite nasty towrds me...she always says-in front of my boyfriend that he is to good for me...i do agree on some level as he is very calm and patient as im quite fiery-like my mum. She also always moans that im boring because i dont like travelling (i have over the years suffered with panic attacks and have been on and off anti depressants ).On her birthdays and xmas i spend alot of money on her to go to shows in london and i hire Limos so she doesnt have to get in a cramped train etc...For her 50th i got a loan out and got her a personalised number plate as well as other treats.But yets she never seems to be happy with me..always nit picking that my room is a mess or i didnt emepty the dishwasher (i work full time as well 2 nights a week college -she isnt working). Also i get compared to others peoples kids.she is the type of person whenever i decide to do dsomething she will try to convince me out of it and then say "well if it goes wrong dont come to me for help".She didnt even want me to do my college course as a beautician because the pay will be poor and i will have to work weekneds etc..so when i applied and got in to the course she didnt speak to me for a few days for "defying her".Its got to the point that i just want to give her a good slap.HELP!!
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): Yes, I think it's time to gain some independence. You can do it! It's really not healthy to live with your mom at your age. 2 hens in the hen house as they say. You need a life of your own. I think it's wrong that she's cutting you down and making you feel insecure. She wants you home and safe, but at the same time wants you to have a life. Well she can't have it both ways. That's being selfish. Why don't you look in your local paper for options on apartments, duplexes, townhouses...etc? This should be an exciting time in your life...take care
A
male
reader, anoms  +, writes (23 February 2009):
 thats a very accurate description of my relationship with my mother, i dont do or take any of those things you described and i look out as best i can for her, but i guess some people just have overactive imaginations, im always busy doing my thing and minding my own business, personally i think our parents just need the drama so its pretty pointless arguing i just nod my head and ignore it these days lol, good luck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): Sorry, perhaps my engtlish is not so good, but your situation meets mine. When I read your text, I got the impression that you are caught in this situation? In one hand you love your mother and want to help her, but on the other hand you cannot live your own life. Then, you have dreams. Dreams in order to enjoy your life. One of my parents had a problem with alcohol.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 February 2009): You can't really do anything to change her attitude towards you, as it sounds like you've done everything possible already.
It seems to me that it might be time for you to fly the nest and become independent of your mom.
That's probably the underlying reason behind her behaviour.
She probably thinks you shoud have done it ages ago, she sounds like she's trying to make living with her so uncomfortable that you'll want to leave because your her daughter and she doesn't want to actually kick you out.
I was in pretty much the same situation a few years back and my relationship with my mom became fantastic once I had moved out and set up my own independent life. She went very quickly from putting me down to falling over herself to help me.
I know it might not seem like it, but she's probably trying to motivate you by saying you'll fail, perhaps (like me) you are a person that works twice at hard at something when someone tells you that you can't do it.
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