A
male
age
30-35,
*rendan
writes:There is a girl Ive been with for a few months now. I have never met anyone like her. Theres no way to describe it but I love her. I assure you its not infatuation, far from it.I think the feelings are reciprocrated because shes told me she loves me. and one time she said that she loves me more than i think. But Im not stupid, and I know if love isnt maintained it can quickly be in the past.. But my quesiton lies, how much maintenance before it turns to a suffocating and smothering relationshp where she cannot breathe?Now I feel insecure sometimes (bad experiences), although we still see each other once a week (on weekend). Everythings been smooth until the last week - I feel like theres some sort of tension or somethigns wrong. I asked her if she was feeling good abotu this relationship and she said yes. She explained that due to a past relationship which was really emotional/serious that it affected her way of being. This is understandable. She said she doesnt miss people and when she cant see me its nothing personal. She said 'I dont want it to be serious, not that its not , but when i cant see you its nothing personal. I kinda understand because shes a real smart girl who wanta to do well at college and has heaps of other things to do. She said Im much better at expressin myself than her (which I take as a cop out because this is wat may in fact be leading her to think about the seriousness of the relationship.)She sends msgs much less, she said shes on a a reali restricted plan (like $30) and so doesnt send too many. I am paranoid that maybe shes seeing her ex or someone, but this could be my own exxagerated insecurities. I get along her dad real well and I see she does seem to try. the other day she asked if i needed help organising a party as well as compiling music. Ive talked to a friend (whos a girl) and she told me that it sounds like shes waiting for the next best thing. I talked to her boyfriend however who told me to go along with the ride and make the most of it. Who knows it actually may make things better than being a pussy guy. I think i need to man up and stop letting my insecurities get to me. what do you guys think?
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female
reader, birdynumnums  +, writes (14 May 2009):
 I think that you already know, from exactly what you have written to us in your letter, that you are crowding her a bit and are expecting her to reciprocate your feelings, when the facts are that she has made it quite clear that she wants to remain friends, and concentrate on her studies right now. She does have a valid point, you know. She will have plenty of time after school is over to start thinking about relationships and marriage, which is what you seem to be thinking of if you are using the word love in describing your feelings for her. If you do love and respect her, then take your cues from her and bide your time. She actually is being quite sensible about finishing school first.
As far as your insecurities go, she actually hasn't committed to you and therefore doesn't owe you lengthy explanations, and her time is her own! The fact that she has introduced your to her family is a large step in trusting you, so I would think that she trusts and respects you too, as a friend, for now. You shouldn't be gossiping and making speculations about her with anyone else. If it got back to her, you would definitely lose her trust!
You actually gave yourself the best reply in the last sentence that you wrote in your own question - "I think I need to man up and stop letting my insecurities get to me." I think you are right. None of us have a crystal ball, and it's hard to predict the future, but you can try too hard to hold on to something and in the process, lose it. Take it slowly, that's all that she has asked you for, for now. Take your cues from her. Hope this helped.
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