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female
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anonymous
writes: Dear AllI need some advice in dating! How can you just "be yourself" when you have been badly hurt in past relationships?I have just met a new man who seems really nice. However, I have a problem with keeping men - have no problem in attracting them. I have come to realise that I have become quite guarded due to past devastations where I simply was treated badly by men. I can't now help but assume any new man i meet is a potential b*stard. And for this reason, whilst trying to get to know someone, I am fearful of being seen as a sex object (I do look quite sexy, in a classy way)...and do my best to avoid all sexual contact and try not to entertain flirty texts early on in a relationship. Not at least until my relationship becomes sexual.However, this new man I met (we've only been on 2 dates - have just kissed!) has started sending me flirtatious, suggestive texts, of which I have simply brushed off, and not flirted back. My best friend tells me that its no wonder he is losing interest!But then, I don't want to be with someone just as a sex object!! Am I being too conservative here?Can anyone give me advice on how I can try to "hook in" a man once he shows an interest?!I'm 33, by the way and pretty smart/intelligent and successful in my work - I think I'm a good catch! My only problem is my paranoia over men, due to past treatments.Thanks All.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi everyone
Thanks for all your answers.
Well, I did finally succumb to pressure from my mate and sent him a flirty text on New Year's Eve - told him that I was stood under some mistletoe, and was a little tipsy (drunk) and wished he was there for a snog or two! I'm a bit embarrassed as this isn't something I would normally say. I don't believe in "throwing myself" at someone. Anyhow, I got a response immediately back - but an odd response - he just replied back "wow" !! I guess he probably doesn't know how to respond as I have ignored all the flirtations in his past texts.
Anyway, I'm not sure what to think about this guy - time will tell, I guess. I'm not planning on sleeping with him until I feel things are moving on nicely, though...
Thanks for all the advice - any more is welcome! And Happy New Year!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): http://www.drphil.com/articles/article/513
I also think when you have been hurt alot in the past and feel mistrustful of men, it is most important to decide what kind of man wouled make you feel the way you want and need to feel when you have found him and when you are with him.....check out this article above for some help with that.....I love this doc, don't you?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): I dunno if I agree with sending back suggestive texts, but you could send back a playful one....I really don't like the whole texting thing, it is really difficult to communicate without the help of body language and eye contact and facial expressions and it leaves open for a whole lot if interprettion....I uually tell men I don't have texting services on my phone, so if you want to talk to me, please pick up the phone or look me up for coffee...
I think one response that you can give a man to hook him in, is when he says something flirty, to look him in the eyes and in a flirtatious sexy way, ask him, "so, what kind of women do your RESPECT?" and see what he says...I think it is always best to become friends before having sex, doesn't mean you can't be feminine and sexual, make out like mad, but just take things slower than you might feel like at first to get to know him better and to see how interested in YOU he really is...
Just my opinion, there are no rules in dating really, though, so just use your best judgement and don't decide a man is a schmuck until he proves himself otherwise.
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female
reader, rammsteinfan  +, writes (2 January 2007):
 I think that not responding back to the flirty texts that are sent to you might suggest to them...or your current guy that you might not be interested in him. Relax...and go with the flow...responding back might be be good for you. Men usually don't like unresponsive women. At least the ones I knew. Try it, you might like it....and you might see a difference. Let me know how things work out for you!!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): 1) Is your friend a slag, per chance? If this guy is sending your suggestive texts after 2 dates then he probably does it to every girl he goes on dates with. Don't listen to your friends, follow your own moral-code
2) if you are still fearful of being used as a sex object by men then you are not ready to have a relationship. This is especially true for a guy who is sending you sexual texts - clearly he does not know you well enough - and clearly, therefore, he shouldn't be sending those texts.
Well at least you see your self as sexy, classy, smart, intelligent and successful. You probably are a good catch, you just need more "you" time to really put your past hurt in the past.
Also I replied to a similar question about an hour ago that touched on women not having to "hook in" a man. If you really are such a great catch, it would be more a case of seeing if he is right for you, not visa-versa.
So sexual text messages after two dates? Maybe not such a good idea. Personally, that would turn me off a girl very quickly.
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 January 2007): Always be yourself you should not have to change for the right person. If it helps wait until he asks before you tell him about past relationships. Remember you may think that the relationships breaking up are are your fault, but you forget that if it did not work out, you're probably saving yourself from disappointment later (maybe after its to late- after marriage or children are involved). Just some food for thought, I wish you the best!
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