A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:How do you get over trust issues? I'm in a relationship with an amazing guy but i cant trust him. You see in every single one of my relationships I have been cheated on and its had a serious affect on me. I get paranoid on where he's going and who he's with. He uderstands and doesnt mind this. But I do. I sometimes get angry. Like he told me today he's bringing his friend out for a meal for her birthday. The used to fool around so it drove me bonkers I got so angry and so upset. I love this guy but my anger is getting the worst of me I don't know what to do. I don't want to lose him please help :( Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 August 2013): best advice wiseowle!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 August 2013): Pending more information, I may add to this advice. I do know that sometimes there are unresolved issues we have leftover from childhood; which can carryover later into life. Childhood is where most insecurities originate.
If your father had a pattern of cheating on your mother; your grandfather against your grandmother. This often makes girls grow up with the belief that men will always cheat on their partners. It will be reinforced; if they witness this trait in other close relationships, such as those of sisters and their boyfriends.
So this reinforcement will be misinterpreted by a younger mind to believe that this must be the norm. The unhappiness seen in response to this behavior will register in the subconscious memory; thus you will not trust men, and fear abandonment and betrayal.
Popular publications often give false impressions of what men should be, so girls don't always have a good male role-model. If they have absentee fathers or papa-tools (aka jerky-dads); they don't know all men and boys aren't the same.
Girls often go for popular boys, jocks, bad boys, or boys they notice get a lot of female attention.
He's considered a trophy-date; if she's able to get his attention. These types of boys get off on getting so much female-attention, that their egos will urge them to by-pass respect for any one girl. He knows he can get attention in abundance. You'll always hang in his shadow; while he openly flirts, and chats with other girls on Facebook.
He has little encouragement to stay true; when he has the selection of lots of girls vying for him. He has to show the other guys how much of a stud he is.
All boys ARE NOT like this. You have to be picky and not turn down the less popular type. Easy-going nice guys aren't boring. They usually treat girls better, and you can trust them. They can be handsome, smart, and cool guys. They may not stand out and impress your friends so much; but that can be a good thing.
Teen boys are just discovering sex, and their hormones will often overrule their responsibility to stay true to the girl who has really committed her time and attention.
He really cares for her, but he's afraid to pass up an opportunity to be with another pretty girl. Sometimes she isn't prettier or nicer; just more willing to offer sex.
Once he gets the sex, he doesn't want her anymore.
Therefore, girls are highly competitive against other girls looking for his attention. Hoping he'll think she's more special than the next.
Girls are a lot more aggressive than they may have been in the 20th century, and they have access to social media to by-pass shields girls used to put up, by just being at his side. They can text or e-mail him in secret. So I know why girls might feel nervous all the time. It will drive you crazy if you don't get a grip on it.
He cares for you, but sometimes a guy will think with his penis before he thinks with his immature male-brain. So the frequency of cheating in your age-group is pretty common.
I think when you meet boys, they match a certain criteria you look for. As Tish-1 says, each of these boys share some common personality traits. So when you lose one, you look for his replacement. You just keep getting the same type.
They sometimes even look alike, talk alike, or can often pass for brothers.
It will help you if you don't get so deeply attached to a boy too soon. You have to allow enough time from the time you meet, to get to know what type of person he really is.
1) Don't go for boys who quit a girlfriend to come to you, she will fight to get him back.
2) Don't go for boys fresh after a breakup; he isn't over his old GF yet. They still have things to work out.
3) If he's popular, expect him to be a show-off, and may not settle for just one girl.
4) If you give up sex too soon, he'll lose interest in you too soon. If he leaves because you don't put out, he was a jerk to begin with.
5) Never brag to your friends how much you love him, and how nice he is to you. They'll get jealous and go after him.
6) Insist that boys respect your feelings and are nice to you. Learn to leave him if he doesn't. Even if it hurts.
Follow these rules and maybe you can cut down on some of the jealousy and discomfort you feel; because you pick the obvious types most likely to cheat. That keeps you always feeling insecure and jealous.
Be realistic. Girls are far more mature than boys at your age. It's hard for him not to be nice to a pretty girl, or his flirting ex-girlfriend. You let him know when he's being too friendly and you feel hurt by it. If he can't stop, be a woman; and drop him like a hot potato.
There are plenty of other boys, if you found him. No boy is worth breaking your heart.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (28 August 2013):
 He's amazing but you can't trust him? Usually those two sentiments are mutually exclusive. Is there something all your previous cheating men have in common? Why were you attracted to them in the first place? What did you learn NOT to do in your boyfriend selection process?
More info would help the aunts, you see. Can you answer these questions?
Are you going with them for this meal? If you are not, then invite yourself. If he won't include you, then assume you've chosen another man just like the others and move on.
Maybe it's a bit too soon for you to be dating, if you get angry and irrational?
How do you get over trust issues? In your case, I'd need to know if you have some sort of pattern going on that you cannot see. If you don't know then ask your friends and family.
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