A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife is finally recovering from a year long battle with yeast or bacterial vaginosis (dr's never figured out what it was). She's been feeling comfortable for about 2 months, and after over a year off from sexual relations I tried last night to see if she was ready. She got upset and said that even though she was not feeling any symptoms, she would feel terrible if she made me go through what she went through. How do we work through this?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): I'd probably be the last person in the world to say that a lack of sexual desire is in a woman's head, (as it's usually hormonal, and I've been there myself) but in this case, I think it's true.
I'm skeptical about your wife, because not only am I woman who has had such infections in my life, but also because I have a history in medicine. It's not too difficult to diagnose a bacterial or fungus infection of the vagina. It's not hard to treat either. And tt certainly shouldn't limit one's ability or desire to have sex.
In fact, I'm shocked that she has been using this excuse for a whole year. Clearly, she just doesn't want to have sex.
Besides, whatever her reason, you two don't necessarily have to have intercourse in order to have sex. There are other things that you and your wife can do. By refusing all sexual relations, your wife is hurting the intimacy in your relationship and you two, if you haven't already, will start pulling away from each other emotionally.
You two need to take some action now to repair this damage and get closer by spending some quality "intimate" time together. And if your wife is having problems with sex, she needs to get some help. If the condition truly is medical, then she needs to get evaulated by another doctor to find out the cause.
If she's unwilling to do these things, then you're going to find yourself in a miserable, sexless marriage.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): I wonder if using a condom would help? (if she really wanted sex, she couldn't very well say no to a condom, could she?) It sounds to me like she's using her fears as an excuse to avoid sex.
I think the help of a sex therapist or psychologist is in order. I would NOT force yourself onto her (wouldn't that be rape?), since she may have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) as a result of her illness. I had a bout with interstitial cystitis years ago, and just the idea of getting back into having sexual relations was awful.
If ordinary doctors didn't find a cause, you may want to suggest she try a naturopathic doctor.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 December 2010): Your assurance and comfort is important to help her let go of her fear and insecurity. Sex is an integral part of a relationship. Obviously you want your wife. Let her know that you want to be with her, regardless of the symptoms, through your actions. Actions speak louder than words. You can try to talk her through it or you can just take charge and push forward with your actions (which I think would be of more avail to the both of you.) When you try to have sex with her and she resists keep pushing forward. Undress her, go down on her, caress her, kiss her and keep going forward. When she resists tell her you don't care and keep trying to seduce her.
Cause right now she feels self conscious and unwanted. She is going to continue to talk you out of it unless you show her that you really don't care, that it really is not an issue for you and that it is not stopping you from wanting her. When she sees that regardless of her condition you still want her and it is not an issue, that you both can continue to have a good sex life, she may drop her guard more.
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